Question:
This one is definitely still a work in progress. I have several alternate versions that I wrote before this one, so it might change even more, but I'd like to get some feedback on what I have so far. This is a pretty strange song in terms of structure. Lots of changes, not a lot of repetition.
The Edge of the World
In the summer, we will pray for rain
In the winter, we will pray to wither
The sun has set
Place your last bets
How long before we sail off the edge of the world?
When will we join the waterfall?
When will we hear the siren call?
Wear your heart on my sleeve
And your head on my shoulder
It's hard to conceive
A better placeholder
For that ring on your finger
Let your hand in mine linger
Let our eyes interlock
As we head for the dancefloor
No one will know
All that we have in store
For the end of the evening
As everyone else is leaving
I know you want me to be honest
I break like so many promises
I bleed profusely from a spear into my side
Just another thing for me to hide
So tell me what you want to know
I'll gather every seed I sow
The scars on my back will match the scars on yours
{repeat}
The sun has set
Place your last bets
How long before we sail off the edge of the world?
When will we join the waterfall?
When will we hear the siren call?
[dance breakdown outro]
Answer:
It's almost been a month: any critique?
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter It's almost been a month: any critique? Indubitably.
Originally Posted by Skeeter This one is definitely still a work in progress. I have several alternate versions that I wrote before this one, so it might change even more, but I'd like to get some feedback on what I have so far. This is a pretty strange song in terms of structure. Lots of changes, not a lot of repetition. I'll keep it in mind. Nonstandard sorts of songs are, I think, tougher to critique.
In the summer, we will pray for rain
In the winter, we will pray to wither Nothing sticks out in either direction about this opening. It isn't brilliantly ear-catching, and it isn't bad, either. The second line definitely has me intrigued as to the rest of the song's lyrics.
The sun has set
Place your last bets
How long before we sail off the edge of the world?
When will we join the waterfall?
When will we hear the siren call? I like it. The final line, though, doesn't especially stand out, with the others. If you mean siren in the mythological sense, one would naturally expect to hear sirens prior to placing last bets, sailing off the edge of the world, or joining the waterfall. If, of course, that's what you mean by sirens, I think it would work better to switch the last two lines, and adapt the sentence structure to fit.
That said, the way you have it now would seem to imply that you didn't mean mythological sirens at all, in which case, I still don't like the line.
Wear your heart on my sleeve
And your head on my shoulder
It's hard to conceive
A better placeholder
For that ring on your finger
Let your hand in mine linger
Let our eyes interlock
As we head for the dancefloor
No one will know
All that we have in store
For the end of the evening
As everyone else is leaving "Let your hand in mine linger" is a terrible line, especially with the way the rest of this part is written. I like everything else in this part, but that line grieves me. I simply can't imagine a punk band like The Neverknown using it. With the rather casual language of the rest of the song, something so archaically worded doesn't fit at all, and smacks of forced rhyming.

I know you want me to be honest
I break like so many promises
I bleed profusely from a spear into my side
Just another thing for me to hide I'm not entirely catching the metaphor here, which is fine, but you have some nice wordplay going on, and in general, I can find essentially nothing to criticize here.
So tell me what you want to know
I'll gather every seed I sow
The scars on my back will match the scars on yours
{repeat} I like it. As dramatic climaxes/resolutions go, it's a pippin'.
[dance breakdown outro] Perfect.
Overall, I can see that it's a little bit of a work in progress. Some continuity throughout, some polish, and some good ol' Skeeter lyrical magic, and it could be an excellent song.
Answer:
I've experimented with switching "waterfall" and "siren call," and sometimes I accidentally sing it that way, so it might end up switching. You make a good point about hearing the siren's song prior to "crashing."
I like "let your hand in mine linger." I thought it was a good line.
That said, I'll see what I can do about magicking this one up a bit.
Here's a really crappy acoustic recording of this song from a little while ago. I don't know why I didn't post it here before, other than the fact that I screwed up a couple times in the middle. Anyway, it gives you an idea of how it will work.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter I've experimented with switching "waterfall" and "siren call," and sometimes I accidentally sing it that way, so it might end up switching. You make a good point about hearing the siren's song prior to "crashing." You could even interchange them, if you like the original order better.
I like "let your hand in mine linger." I thought it was a good line.
That said, I'll see what I can do about magicking this one up a bit. Well. Take my opinion with a grain of salt, because I have a wild, knee-jerk reaction to switching up wording, as in, taking "Let your hand linger in mine" and making it "let your hand in mine linger". Something about it drives me insane, so I'll always get crazy-eyed when it comes out.
Here's a really crappy acoustic recording of this song from a little while ago. I don't know why I didn't post it here before, other than the fact that I screwed up a couple times in the middle. Anyway, it gives you an idea of how it will work. Right. What with getting up and leaving the computer to tend to bread, my playback has been weird, but it seemed rather potential-laden when I listened, especially the first two parts. The second section wasn't as impressive, but I enjoyed the classic-rock touches on the "I know..scars on yours" portion.
Answer:
It isn't the best song I've read, nor is it the worst either.
I've heard some pretty bad ones, I think
I don't like the intro at all. It didn't make sense to me.
I like the chorus though, that's the main part of a good love song,
Course some of that could be changed, I think.
Overall, I think you need too work on it.
Answer:
One small Improvement I can see, the line "Place your last bets" is more personal and dramatic to me if it is "Place your last bet." It is more of a clamatic personal line than the generic call of "Place your last Bets."
Answer:
I'm thinking "I break like so many promises", the way that it's worded doesn't match what you're going for in this song. Try something like, "I've broken so many promises." Great song, though.