Question:
Not really happy with this song yet...tear it apart so I can improve it. Please.
Half-Hearted Goodbyes
There's just enough space between us for us to fill
There's just enough silence for us to be still
I'm holding my breath for hours: I'm holding yours
Impatiently being patient, waiting for the right moment
[chorus]
The silence always comes first
Then you walk away, leaving me with half-hearted goodbyes
(repeat)
I never want you to leave me; I'm cursing sleep
I never remember my dreams, remember if you are in them
O, won't you dream for me and tell me all about them?
Then when the silence comes I'll say sweet dreams and mean it
[chorus]
[bridge]
You are my beautiful rose
I'll be your thorn
I'll be by your side forever
(repeat)
[chorus]
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter There's just enough space between us for us to fill
There's just enough silence for us to be still
I'm holding my breath for hours: I'm holding yours
Impatiently being patient, waiting for the right moment
The first two lines flow well, but the second two don't seem to fit. The last line is particularly awkward.
The silence always comes first
Then you walk away, leaving me with half-hearted goodbyes
No rhythmic structure here. It could work with the right music, but the words themselves seem quite awkward. Also, it's very short. Unless it's catchy and well phrased, a chorus can't be this short.
I never want you to leave me; I'm cursing sleep
I never remember my dreams, remember if you are in them
O, won't you dream for me and tell me all about them?
Then when the silence comes I'll say sweet dreams and mean it
I like the forgetting the dreams concept, but this whole verse is quite awkward. The words don't seem to flow, and you use the word "dream" far too often. Also, if you are gonna rhyme in the first verse, rhyme in the second; or just don't rhyme. Again, I really like the whole idea behind this, you just need to rearrange the word rhythm and add rhyme (or remove it from the first verse).
[bridge]
You are my beautiful rose
I'll be your thorn
I'll be by your side forever
"beautiful rose" is about as cliche as it gets. I do like the irony of "I'll be by your side forever," just change the word beautiful. Also consider a phrasing change on the first part of each line. It is:
You are...
I'll be...
I'll be...
So you might either vary it somehow so all three are the same or so that all three are different, just to give it better symmetry.
Ok, overall it needs a lot of phrasing work; the word flow is pretty awkward. I do really like the ideas that are there, just needs some editing.
Answer:
Originally Posted by legionbenji The first two lines flow well, but the second two don't seem to fit. The last line is particularly awkward. Agreed. It's also cliché. I need to fix that, re-word it somehow.
No rhythmic structure here. It could work with the right music, but the words themselves seem quite awkward. Also, it's very short. Unless it's catchy and well phrased, a chorus can't be this short. Yeah, this one really depends on the melody to make sense. I would like to make the chorus longer but I'm not sure how I can while keeping the same structure.
I like the forgetting the dreams concept, but this whole verse is quite awkward. The words don't seem to flow, and you use the word "dream" far too often. Also, if you are gonna rhyme in the first verse, rhyme in the second; or just don't rhyme. Again, I really like the whole idea behind this, you just need to rearrange the word rhythm and add rhyme (or remove it from the first verse). Agreed. Definitely use the word "dream" too often. I rushed this verse and it doesn't flow very well. But I disagree about rhyming. I think dropping the rhyming from a song can be effective. But you're right, I'm not sure if it works in this song.
"beautiful rose" is about as cliche as it gets. I do like the irony of "I'll be by your side forever," just change the word beautiful. Also consider a phrasing change on the first part of each line. It is:
You are...
I'll be...
I'll be...
So you might either vary it somehow so all three are the same or so that all three are different, just to give it better symmetry. Interesting point regarding symmetry. "Beautiful rose" is lame, I agree. Needs work.
Ok, overall it needs a lot of phrasing work; the word flow is pretty awkward. I do really like the ideas that are there, just needs some editing. Definitely needs some editing. Thank you for your RC.