Question:
I've got an abusive father, yes, and I've noticed that I'm starting to reflect some of the same things he does, like: get short with people or call people dumb. It is not at all at the same extent he's doing it, but I've read that people who grow up with abusive parents are pretty likely to grow up just like them. Is there anything I can do to stop this process? I absolutely, do not want my future spouse or children to ever live through something this horrible. (I s'pose it's possible that I should refrain from having kids, if at that time I realize it's a problem). I realize that it's really way early to be thinking about this, but I'm just very worried: this has made such a significant impact on my life, not to mention that this behavior is not very Christlike, so I think I should worry about it. Thanks for any suggestions you guys have got.
~Jen
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Jen, try to find yourself holding back words... (by that I mean don't say everything you hear from him). Or maybe try to get away from him a little more if you can and hang out with friends or just go by yourself on a little walk and listen to good music or something... Just do something that will keep your mind off of what he says to you and other people. Hope this helps...
You can PM me anytime you want to talk if you feel.
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first remember, you are your own person. you aren't him. then like the above person, ge tout more. go with friends listen to music, pick up a hobbie. pray when you feel like saying things. and just try to think before ssaying or acting. PM me if you need to.
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i agree with rk fan my dad ditched me when i was about 4. he is just an exremely flaky person and so is the rest of his family. but i'm the opposite i hang on too long and close to people that would rather i leave them alone and i am an extremely faithful person. you don't have to become the traits of those around you. but you are around your dad and im not around mine so that effects the scenario. it's good to notice your bad habtis and actions, confess them and try to resolve them now. i believe that you will find yourself growing out of that when you give it up to God and let Him mold your life! i'll be praying for your family and your trip
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OK I'll try to keep those things in mind...perhaps I'll tell you how it's going a bit later. And thanks for the open invitations, it means a lot to me.
~Jen
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I made a conscious decision when I was about 10 years old not to be like anyone in my family. Aside from my wonderful mother, there was nobody that I wanted to emulate at all. It worked. Just focus on following God - you don't have to follow anyone else.
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Every time you want to lash out at someone, make a conscious effort to show them love instead, and if you need to, talk through what is making you angry and work things out instead of saying or doing something you will later regret.
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Originally Posted by jengoesup I've got an abusive father, yes, and I've noticed that I'm starting to reflect some of the same things he does, like: get short with people or call people dumb. It is not at all at the same extent he's doing it, but I've read that people who grow up with abusive parents are pretty likely to grow up just like them. Is there anything I can do to stop this process? I absolutely, do not want my future spouse or children to ever live through something this horrible. (I s'pose it's possible that I should refrain from having kids, if at that time I realize it's a problem). If you have a close, reliable friend who is around often enough to observe your behavior, then tell them your concern and ask them to let you know if you are ever starting to act too much like your father. Sometimes it becomes hard for us to notice these things ourselves, but somehow our friends are always really good at noticing them.
I realize that it's really way early to be thinking about this, but I'm just very worried: this has made such a significant impact on my life, not to mention that this behavior is not very Christlike, so I think I should worry about it. Thanks for any suggestions you guys have got. It is never too early to start thinking about these things! What you will someday be, you are now becoming.
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Originally Posted by jengoesup I've got an abusive father, yes, and I've noticed that I'm starting to reflect some of the same things he does, like: get short with people or call people dumb. It is not at all at the same extent he's doing it, but I've read that people who grow up with abusive parents are pretty likely to grow up just like them. Is there anything I can do to stop this process? I absolutely, do not want my future spouse or children to ever live through something this horrible. (I s'pose it's possible that I should refrain from having kids, if at that time I realize it's a problem). I realize that it's really way early to be thinking about this, but I'm just very worried: this has made such a significant impact on my life, not to mention that this behavior is not very Christlike, so I think I should worry about it. Thanks for any suggestions you guys have got.


~Jen
It is something to think about and to consider. I don't know that I would recommend worrying about it. Just because you grew up with abusive parents doesn't automatically mean that you will end up like they are.

I understand that you don't want to continue to cycle. Honestly, it is hard work sometimes, especially when that is how you have been raised to deal with others and with your feelings. However, while your parents are a primary influence in your life, they are not the only influence.

I swore when I was 16 that I would never have children of my own for a very similar reason. With a little more age and wisdom and therapy I've discovered that I don't have to raise children the way that I was raised. Granted I do not yet have children of my own. However, I trust that God has started a good work in me to heal my broken areas that would cause similar parenting issues.

I did spend a couple of years in therapy as well as in a pretty formal Christian mentorship type of program. I've better learned to handle my anger and 'negative' feelings. I don't lash out as much at the people around mel when they do things that I don't like or I think are stupid. I've got a couple good friends who will call me on it when I do.

I don't know what all to tell you. Getting out on your own will make a huge difference. I've been out for almost 2 months. It's helped with some of that a whole lot.

Katie
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hey, Jen. my Dad and i are totally opposite so i know how you feel. try this:
every morning when you wake up, think of a goal you want to accomplish, like "i will not call anyone dumb today. instead, i'll call them 'silly' " and write it down on your hand or someplace where you'll remember it. just focus on that one goal that one day and see how you do. keep doing this every day, and gradually add more to it once you accomplish that one goal. from what i'm told, it's actually pretty easy.
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Originally Posted by sunsurfer hey, Jen. my Dad and i are totally opposite so i know how you feel. try this:
every morning when you wake up, think of a goal you want to accomplish, like "i will not call anyone dumb today. instead, i'll call them 'silly' " and write it down on your hand or someplace where you'll remember it. just focus on that one goal that one day and see how you do. keep doing this every day, and gradually add more to it once you accomplish that one goal. from what i'm told, it's actually pretty easy. Hey, that sounds like a really interesting idea actually. I'll try it
And thanks everyone else for your advice, I'm keeping it up here *points to head*
~Jen
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Originally Posted by jengoesup Hey, that sounds like a really interesting idea actually. I'll try it
And thanks everyone else for your advice, I'm keeping it up here *points to head*
~Jen good luck, Jen
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Thanks
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update us. how is everything going?