Question:
I have a problem that I don't know what to do, I hope that maybe you can help. My male best friend of five years confessed that he was in love with me. I don't feel the same about him so I decide to be honest with him and tell him that I don't feel the same. He said that I should have not told him that. I really care about him and don't want to loose his friendship but he said that he won't be able to be my friend anymore because of the way he feels about me. I think that he is not being fair. I am about to loose my best friend and feel bad about this situation. what would you do to salvage this situation.
Answer:
This is such a hard question because the same thing happened to me a few years ago. It took me some time to think about what I can possibly say. I happened to develop strong, difficult feelings for a dear friend, and felt the need to profess them to her. It really isn't a fair situation to put you into, and I know that it hurts, but it has to be said that your friend is probably in a great deal of pain too. From my own experience, I can say that you will probably both feel that a tremendous burden has been placed upon you by the other. It stings to see a true and enduring friendship tearing apart under the strain of unrequited love. With that pain comes anger -- anger that you both share. Your friend must seem selfish and even immature, because in a sense he is holding your happiness and your friendship hostage, holding out for some reciprocation of his affection before returning the friendship to you. It's like an ultimatum: "love me or else." It is a confusing and outrageous position to be put into. It makes you wonder: after five years of friendship, doesn't he know you well enough to see what your feelings for him really are? It isn't as if you can change those feelings just because he wants you to. And it must seem a little unsettling that the person you have for so long associated with trust and safety has been nursing romantic and sexual feelings for you in secret.
On the other hand, I was in your friend's shoes once. Well, at least once. I have a rather tragically big heart, and I'm prone to developing crushes. From experience, I know that this poses a great risk to a friendship. Like your friend, I was forced to make the difficult choice of whether or not to keep my feelings secret, or make them known, and there are good reasons for each decision.
When I have decided to keep my affection for someone hidden, the choice I made was to protect her from the pressure of an expected response, as well as the consequences of awkwardness and unhappiness that would come between us. No matter the reaction that she would have to such a confession, the existence of those feelings themselves force the friendship to change, and any change from the wonderful ease and trust of a close friendship could be a bad thing.
Conversely, when I have chosen to tell someone about the feelings I have, it was because I could not bear the strain of keeping such an enormous secret from someone who expected honesty and sincerity from me as a natural part of our special friendship. It's no small thing to lie to your best friend, even if you decide that it is in her (or his) best interests to do so, and I felt that I had to be honest in order to be worthy of the trust given to me. In my case, however, I wasn't necessarily expecting, or even hoping, that those feelings would be returned. It was more important to merely be honest and attach no conditions or expectations to my confession. With that said, of course, I'm sure that no one who ever opened up his (or her) heart to another person would be upset or disappointed to find that the object of that affection held similar feelings too.
It is, of course, so much messier and tense when there are wants and expectations attached to someone's feelings for you. Despite how unfair it is, it's important to realize that your friend must feel hurt and confused too. Unrequited love is one of the most painful things to bear, because when sincere and tender affection is unreturned for any reason, it can feel like outright rejection. It's certainly easy to interpret unrequited love that way. It's possible for the strong feelings of someone in a close friendship to evolve to an even broader and more consuming level of affection -- after all, friends already love and respect and care for each other in some way. In you he probably sees a special, beautiful person that he wants to make happy in every possible way. I'm sure at least once in your life you have had a crush, or perhaps have even been in love, only to find that the person you cared so deeply about neither wanted nor returned those feelings. I'm sure you remember how disappointed and humiliated you felt -- as though you weren't good enough, and as though you didn't matter. Your friend may be interpreting your response as a statement that he is unworthy of your love -- and as a result he probably feels ugly, worthless, and ashamed. It must be excrutiatingly difficult for him to face you. He has probably convinced himself that since you don't want him as a lover, he must not be very special to you after all. Not that any of that is your fault. The most obvious hazard he faced was disappointment and heartache, and I do wish he had considered those risks before confessing his feelings to you. I have to say that, despite his pain, it was selfish to confess his feelings with the expectation that you would return them in exactly the way he wanted, and to jeopardize your friendship because the consequences are not to his liking. But I do want you to be aware of the fact that it this is an extremely difficult time for him as well, and he may come to see things differently.
Sometimes people do fall in love after they've been friends for awhile, even a long while, but not always. Sometimes your best friend is supposed to be just that: your friend. And it's not that being "Just friends," means that the friendship is insignificant, or that it is any less precious and beautiful than a romantic relationship. Instead, being best friends connotes trust, sharing, affection, and intimacy of a level that only a rare few relationships ever attain. While it's tempting to seek the best of both worlds and add romance to the close bond that already exists, it's obvious that the volatility and tension of a romantic relationship stands in contrast to the ideals of stability, endurance, and confidence that a close friendship is supposed to represent. It's a heavy gamble to risk the safety, happiness and comfort of one simply for the passion and longing of the other. Occasionally that gamble works, and two people find happiness together as lovers, but for many people who move beyond the bounds of that friendship, they can find it damaged in the long term, and hard to repair. When two people are best friends, they must be able to share almost everything with the expectation that they have in each other a confidant and a constant companion through the best and the worst that life can offer. Such friendships are among the best things that we'll find in this world.
One of the hardships of romance is that, unlike friendship, it isn't necessarily meant to last. Love is a complicated emotion, involving the greatest and the ugliest that humans can give to each other. It inspires altruism and sacrifice, tenderness and growth, it can unite two lovers in luscious passion, and love completes a lonely heart. But love can also be selfish; love naturally involves some desire to have that love returned, and this can sometimes spawn jealousy and possessiveness. Love has a way of changing over time, and this is often unattractive when weighing the advantages against the harms of moving beyond a close friendship that would otherwise last for many years. Love definitely has its dark side. People have done hurtful, or horrible, or violent, or spiteful things, all in the name of love. It's very hard to move from platonic love to romantic love, and it can be at least as hard for two people to go back to a close friendship when the romance fades without a great deal of strength, communication, and maturity. Your friend shouldn't be in such a rush to torpedo the rare goodness that you have. He'll miss it someday.
My advice to you is for you to try and explain this to him. Ultimately the decision rests with him, however, and I'm certainly not advising you to take this burden entirely upon your shoulders so that you feel obliged to do all the work involved in trying to save a friendship that may be beyond hope. If he cannot put his feelings of friendship above the love he confessed to you, then the loss of your friendship is his fault, not yours, and this will be a decision he will have to live with for the rest of his life. Talking to him about this is probably the most important thing you can do. It may be difficult for him to be your friend when he is in love with you, but that hardship was the risk he faced when he decided to profess his love for you, and if you are willing to care for him despite the burden he has placed upon you, then he has no excuse to avoid making the same effort.
I think your friend needs to see that you are not rejecting him when you say that you cannot return his feelings. Your friendship is a bright and shining treasure in a world of hurtful or uncaring people. You will both find yourselves in many different relationships over time, and as these come and go the friendship you share will seem all the more precious because it endures. To enter a relationship with someone entails the risk of losing them, and it's possible to care for someone so much that you don't want to take that risk. Love and affection can't be turned on and off on a whim, furthermore, and if you don't share your friend's feelings, then you are as powerless as he is to change them. He needs to realize that he is extremely important to you as a friend, even though his love has made that friendship tense and difficult. He may feel that there is nothing left to salvage in your friendship, and that you wouldn't want him around anyway, and that feeling will have to be overcome by the both of you. Ultimately, however, it is not your fault if he cannot reconcile his feelings with your friendship, although I think being in love with you too much to be your friend is a very unfortunate (even dumb) reason to end a friendship. He may think that it is impossible to be your friend now, but he won't always feel that way, and he has the choice of realizing that with your help, and working to repair your friendship, or realizing it later when it's much too late.
Answer:
Originally Posted by LostnCute18 I have a problem that I don't know what to do, I hope that maybe you can help. My male best friend of five years confessed that he was in love with me. I don't feel the same about him so I decide to be honest with him and tell him that I don't feel the same. He said that I should have not told him that. I really care about him and don't want to loose his friendship but he said that he won't be able to be my friend anymore because of the way he feels about me. I think that he is not being fair. I am about to loose my best friend and feel bad about this situation. what would you do to salvage this situation. Ouch, I've seen that happen to some of my friends.
Frankly, the relationship will never be the same, sorry to say. That is part of the risk of confessing your love - you put the friendship on the line. The other person may not reciprocate and then you'll probably permanently alter the frienship.
I feel bad for both of you - I know what it feels like to be liked and not reciprocate the feelings, and I also know what it's like to confess a liking to a person and get rejected, then lose the friend. It's a weird emotional rollercoaster.
Just one clarifying question: did you have a gut feeling that he loved you before he told you, or was it completely out of the blue? In other words, did you suspect at all that he liked you as more than a friend?
It might be wise to back off for a while, and let the awkwardness fade for a little bit. You might find yourself becoming attracted to him too.
I guess I have another few questions: why is it that you don't reciprocate those feelings? and why should you base it all on "feelings"? Is he a godly young man? You obviously enjoy each other's company and have similar interests and lots in common, and have a good friendship foundation laid, and each of your families probably likes the other one. Maybe you should prayerfully reconsider him while you take a little break. Who knows? Maybe this could be God's way of putting you too together. Not every romance is like Sleeping Beauty you know.
Answer:
Originally Posted by mOODmAN The most obvious hazard he faced was disappointment and heartache, and I do wish he had considered those risks before confessing his feelings to you.
I have a feeling that he did consider those risks. I'm sure you already know this, and maybe you just were talking about something else or didn't realize what you said. But I'm sure he debated to himself over and over and over whether he should do what he did or not, weighing the possible outcomes and their risks. I'm sure almost all of us have been in the situation of "should I tell him/her... it might have consequences A/B." From experience living with a crush or the feeling of possible love can be worse than professing it and being rejected. Usually after rejection you can at least get over the person. On the other hand, if you never tell them, you have these feelings built up inside you just growing and growing with no room to grow. You just feel as if you have to let them out, and that keeping them secret is worse than letting them out.
Originally Posted by mOODmAN I have to say that, despite his pain, it was selfish to confess his feelings with the expectation that you would return them in exactly the way he wanted, and to jeopardize your friendship because the consequences are not to his liking.
I would have to agree with you here though. He professed his love to you expecting the same feelings in return. Unfortunately, that is not what happened. It would have been completely different if he had told you what he did and not expected anything in return. Sadly, he had the wrong attitude coming into this game.
But love can also be selfish
I don't think it's necessarily love that is selfish. I think that love triggers emotions of selfishness. Nay, I don't think love, itself, can be selfish.
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever..."
1 Cor. 13:4-8, New Living
Verses I'm sure most of you have read many many times. I'm sure if these verses were saying love should be this, or true love is this, it would be different. But it flat out says, "love is X."
So it isn't love that is selfish, it is just an unfortunate side effect that has a possibility of occurring.
---
That said, I think your post is extremely well written and I agree with about 99% of it. Well said.
Answer:
I was part of a group of friends at high school. Male female, all christians & into music to at least some extent so we had a fair bit in common with each other.
Over 5 years we dated around a fair bit within the group and a few new people were introduced as "so & so's girlfriend".
Good friends were asked out and turned down on a regular basis!!!
Now, 20 years or so later, I'm married to one of the girls who wouldn't date me then!!!!!
Still good friends with two of the other girls (and thier husbands) and a few of the guys too.
You'll both get over it!!!!
Answer:
mah best friend is in love with me too, but I dont feel the same way about him, so I just told him and he understood, just dont be harsh.