Heartbroken, and it's all my fault
Hey guys. I've been struggling with this just between me and God and a few of my friends for a month, and I still don't have peace about it. Maybe I'm missing something and you guys can give me some godly advice that would help. Here's the deal:
You might remember about a year ago, I got on the advice forum(before this forum was here), and asked for advice about this guy "Hans" that I really liked a lot. Hans really liked me too, but the problem was, I can't date till I'm eighteen. Well, I was 16 then and I'm 17 now, and obviously I still can't date. But over the course of the year, even tho we haven't snuck out on dates or anything, we've done stuff. He went to our youth group and we hung out with other people as friends and stuff. But after a while, we got to be more and more physical and we gave a lot to each other. We never even got close to sex or anything like that, but I know that I've given a lot of myself away. He's the first and only guy that I've ever kissed or even held hands with. I gave a huge chunk of my heart away to him because I trusted him. I've been treated like crap by other guys before, and I thought he was different. I waited for a LONG time before I kissed him, and I was sure I could trust him. Notice all of this is in the past tense? Yeh, you know what's coming.
About a month ago, Hans was going on a missions trip to Mexico with his school. He had been acting a little strange. I had just gotten back from a weekend retreat. Everything had been fine before I left. But when I got back, two days before he left, he told me that we couldn't be together anymore. He said that he wasn't good enough for me and that I'm a better Christian and that he's not perfect and all this stuff that totally isn't true. Then the next day, he told me that he didn't think he could wait another year, and then when he goes off to college this fall(he's a year older than me, I'm going to be a senior and still be here when he leaves), he might find another girl and break my heart.
That night, we worked together at the restaurant we both have a job at, and when he was in the prep room alone, I went out there just to say goodbye. He had tears in his eyes and gave me a hug and said he was going to miss me. That night he talked to his best friend on the phone and told him that it was over between us.
When he got back from Mexico, Hans gave me three new excuses. First, he didn't want to miss out on closeness with God by having other relationships that could take away from it. that's great, but I'm not sure he's telling the truth. Later, he told me that he didn't want to do anything that was in secret. Not only that, but he doesn't want to disobey my parents rules. Again, no problem. But then he hit me with a zinger. He simply emailed me and told me that he doesn't like me romantically anymore. Talk about stabbing me and twisting the knife.
I am a very sensitive person, but I don't cry too easily. I have never cried so hard in my life. I don't understand how someone can say that they care for you, and then just turn it off. He made a million promises about how he was going to be with me forever and that he would wait and other girls didn't matter to him. I'm so hurt and sad. I keep praying for God to heal my broken heart, but it's sure a slow process. I feel horrible every day; mornings are the worst. Now we talk and whatever, but it's weird a lot of times. I can't get over him. Part of me is so angry with him, but part of me loves him just as much as ever. I can't help but feel like he's not telling me the whole truth, like he's lying to me. But I can't work up the nerve to ask him for the whole truth. Everytime I try to talk about this, he clams up. What can I do?? Sorry this is incredibly long
It sounds like to me that guy really isn't worth your time. He didn't handle things very well and in the first place although you chose this too, he did not respect you enough to wait for you. Any respectable guy that truly liked you would have respected your parents wishes and waited for the right time. It's up to you whether you want to confront him but if I were you I would leave it alone and move on. Most likely it will only upset you more and he may not even tell you anything he hasn't already said. Gaining mroe clarity on his feelings won't get you through this, but God will. Try to use this time to really get closer to the Lord. Singleness can be a blessing if you allow it to be, let God work. I know it hurts but trust me it does get better and God can really mend your broken heart if you let Him.
Yeah, just from what I'm hearing, the guy isn't worth your time at all as Delaina said. He used all the cliche terms used by guys in teenaged relationships...(shivers at the thought that I used to use them too...) It shows a lack of maturity as he promised all of these things to you. One thing I came to realize is that attitudes and maturity levels change....
So here's to you:
1.) Look at it in the perspective that it's all in God's hands. I know this is overused and it's easier said than done, but when you truly get to the point that you can fully understand it, it's so much easier to accept. This is all part of God's plan on your life. You will come out of this a better and stronger person (believe me, every breakup I've gone through has helped me).
2.) Cut off communication with him. I know when you think of this you say, "No, I can't do that, I care about him...etc." (Notice I've been here?) But, in the end, its sooooooo much better to cut it off...you'll heal quicker.
Well, it looks like your parents knew what was best for you after all. They told you to wait until you were 18 so that you wouldn't get hurt. Highschool relationships rarely work out... once your 18, you are old enough to get married... and until your old enough to get married, there's really no point in dating anyone.
I'm sorry that you were hurt... give it time. Many of us have been there before. It sucks for a while, but eventually your heart will mend. Learn from these life lessons you've received and be more careful in choosing a boyfriend next time.
I agree with you that he handled it wrong. But the thing is, I've made mistakes in the past too, and I don't always handle hard situations right either. I don't want to give up on him just cuz he messed up. I just don't know what I want anymore. But I do know that he would never have done stuff with me if I hadn't allowed him to, so it's just as much my fault as it is his. That's another reason I don't want to bash him for messing up. I did too.
Why does stuff like this always have to happen to the really nice people?
I understand that we all make mistakes (and if you think that yours was big, imagine when I did $6000 of damage to a vehicle that I was supposed to be fixing which they wanted to take out of my pay), but he's made it clear that he's not interested romantically in you. Ouch. He even went to the trouble of e-mailing you the bombshell news.
When he goes to university, he'll probably find someone else, since he's already expressed how he doesn't feel about you. It's not that he made a mistake in the relationship, and said that maybe it was better if you didn't see eachother, he came out and said that he, well, you know. I don't want to keep rubbing iodine in your wounds. Like most single people, because this is what he is now, he's going to be looking.
He was your first real love, and it wasn't you who double-tapped the relationship, so you will still have feelings for him, but realise that he probably won't reciprocate them. There's you starting point. Recognise that it was him who ended the relationship, and that it's not your fault, that he made a choice based on how he felt, and that he didn't consult you in the decision-making process. Friday night, everything was rosy, and by Monday, it was over. He had already made up his mind, given it plenty of thought (I've never seen anybody end a year-long relationship on a whim), and reached his decision without you. It's not your fault. Whatever problems there my have been, he was the one who chose not to work through them, not you. He didn't just mess up, Amy, he came out and told you that he didn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. That he brought the news rather poorly is irrelavent compared to the news that he brought.
So what to do (easy for me to say, sitting in my room, in front of my computer, and not living in your situation, but for what it's worth, I do actually care). Find a shoulder to cry on, and let it out. There's no shame in it. You may not feel any better, but it will give you a place to start picking up the pieces. You are loved, Amy (even according to your name, which comes from the French word aimée which means "beloved" [/cheap plug for the French language] ). You always will be. Take this time to draw even closer to Him than ever before, and let Him take you to depths that you never imagined.
Doesn't it stinking HURT that a guy who supposedly thought of you so well just up and decided he didn't any more? Yeah, I know, I went through it. and as bad as this sounds, and as much as it makes me sound like a silly 12-year-old, get this. He only dated me for 16 days. Rough for your first b/f, especially when he broke up with you 17 days after he met with your dad to ask if he could date you.
It's rough. I know. Wow...didn't think it could hurt so bad.
But now freshman year of college is over...and looking back, I'm glad we're not together. Seeing how he has treated me over the past 3 months is really eye-opening.
Yeah, people will say he's not worth your time, but until you come to realize it for yourself, it's not gonna be too effective.
Just learn to forgive. It's really really hard...but until you do that, you will never heal.
He took your heart and crushed it...but God will help you forgive, and that will pick up that heart, and slowly put the pieces back together.
My heart goes out to you
I understand your pain. I dated a girl for a year and I experienced the same sort of pain and excuses that you went through. I won't blame either of you. He's going to college, he's about to start a life that you can't be a part of. Its not like he's an evil guy that was trying to break your heart. This sort of thing happens. I know your hurt; I've felt that pain before. You hang in there. This is for the best anyways, did you really want to continue sneaking around behind your parents' backs doing something they'd forbidden you from doing? It'll work out for the best, I promise.
Okay, I finally broke down and I'm posting. Amy, I'm not sure what you think of me reading/posting, but here I am. Heartbroken with you...
First, I think that there's a little misunderstanding. I don't think that Amy was really going behind her parents' backs. There's been a lot of clear communication.
Second, Am, in a way I know how you feel (suprising, huh? I thought I didn't get myself into situations like this...). Back in September, God began speaking to me about a relationship that I needed to ... well, cut off. It certainly wasn't a romantic relationship, but it wasn't helping me any. I tossed it back and forth for quite some time, and eventually shrugged my shoulders and decided there was no way I could avoid this person.
Then, come the middle of October, God completely removed this person from my life. It was a painful thing for me, to say the least. I missed them, sometimes I still do... I miss the friendship ("siblingship") we used to have. Yet, at the same time, sometimes I have... ungodly thoughts about how angry and upset I am.
I thought that in my relationship with this person I had learned a lot - but I discovered that I learned SO much once the relationship was gone.
So what else can I say? By the end of August, your friend will be gone. You'll think about him a lot, I'm sure. It'll hurt. Eventually, though, I have a feeling the hurt will be less. You'll continue to learn and grow and be complete in Christ... at the same time, you'll be able to help others with that.
I miss you... I miss talking to you. Let's talk soon, okay? I love you and I'm praying for you.
ha, I don't know what I think about you posting on here either. Kinda embarrassing cuz now you know a lot that you didn't before. Oh well. My life is already an open book for anyone now, it seems. You woulda found out eventually. Thanks for your advice guys. It's like one of you said, no matter how many people tell me I'm going to forget about this, let it go, or not care anymore someday...and no matter how many say that he's not worth my time and not worth hoping that he'll come back, I still am going to until he does or God changes my mind. But thank you, it helps to hear your input. I'm leaving the country for Peru in 10 days, that'll help!
I can so relate to your pain. I feel for you. I don't really have any advice, but i will empathsize. Love hurts more than anything.
Let me see if I understand: You guys were a couple, he dumped you. He gave you four "good" reasons. It's the fifth one thats got you thrown. The whole " I don't even like you romantically"? As someone who's currently been dating (but boy have we had some rough times) a doll of a girl for 2 years 8 and a half months, I'll offer my take:
"Hans" really did/does like you. (you never used the word love in your post,so I don't know if I should use that word) But he's coming to a crossroad in his life and now that he can see where his life is going, he doesn't see your relationship working out. So for better or worse, he felt the need to end the relationship. He gave you four honest reasons why the relationship should end and hoped that things could end quietly and without hurting you too much. So far so good......then he sees how much it's hurting you. So he tries an age-old approach: If I make her angry with me, she won't miss me. So he e-mails you (so you won't be able to hear in his voice that it's not true) that he has no feelings for you at all. Then when you try to bring it up, he clams up....probably he knows he can't fake it if he has to talk about it. In short he's trying to break all your feelings for him now, instead of letting you linger in heartbreak. Although it sounds like it's backfiring.......
See, it's easy to write guys off as jerk, especially on a messageboard, when you really don't have a clue as to all the details. I'm sure there's noway you could totally describe your situation in one post, or even a hundred. Alot of guys aren't really as big of jerks as they're made out to be; they just try a wrong method to reach a good end.
Of course I could be totally off in all of this and the dude might be a total colon chute. In which case, Move On.
You guys are awesome. I just got home from a 2 week missions trip to Peru today and it was amazing! I totaly feel God's annointing on my life right now and I know that if he wants things to work out with Hans and I, they will. And if he doesn't, I'm better off for it. Thank you all for your advice and prayers, they're definitely paying off!
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