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cTonight, Jayne, Casey, and I went to dinner. I think Jayne is mad at me, and I don't know why. I feel so stupid, I know I must have said or done something to piss her off. We barely spoke the whole time and at the end of the night she was pretty hostile. I guess I have a tendency to make people feel sick. I don't know why my apartment is so ****ing hot. The AC said it was 70 degrees but Jayne and Casey both complained it was too hot. I think the heat was all in their heads. I'm ****in sick and I sweat like crazy at work where it's probably about 75 degrees all day long, and I felt absolutely fine tonight. Completely dry, no sweat, still sick. I guess I can see why they'd be in such a hurry to leave. I didn't feel right the entire night. Maybe my sore throat made it hard to hear what I was saying. Or maybe sitting in the back of the car trying to talk over the speaker made it easier to ignore what I was saying. On more than one occassion I would start talking, and then somebody else would just talk over me. Never again. I refuse to hang out with Casey and Jayne together. Third ****ing wheel. The appendix. Foreskin.
I wish I wasn't so sensitive, I'm sure most of this stuff was all in my head. I can't decide what I feel but I know I can maybe control to some extent the things in my environment that cause these reactions. I should stop hanging out with casey and whatever girl he's with at the time. At least not while I'm alone. Then again, I'm in no condition to have a girlfriend. I'm not looking. I'd rather be alone and miserable than to drag somebody else into this. I've been depressed as long as I can remember but it's been a long time since I've fantasized about suicide.
This is me. A week ago I found a reason to live; to be happy. I can't remember it anymore. All I can remember is that for a few days I felt like a whole person. Self-sufficient, confident in my direction; I had a plan or a feeling or a series of thoughts that made everything make sense. And it all had something to do with El Topo- a movie that had no effect on Casey but apparently "changed" my life. Maybe it just changed my week and this is everything returning to normal. My depressed normal. I'm not on medication for that anymore. I don't understand what my aversion to those drugs is. I guess they seemed to take something away from me... passion. I can't orgasm on anti-depressants. I can't do much of anything on drugs. I can't even care. It just makes me feel nice and balanced like a normal person except normal people are going somewhere. Or at least they think they are. I'm standing still - I've seen what I have to look forward to and I don't give a **** anymore. How did I end up here? I lost my train of thought.
Starting over. Hopefully we can reach some conclusions this time around. I don't care about my future, nor do I seem to care about my present. El Topo made me question the value of helping people and the value of helping myself. We always seem to end up in the same place regardless of our goals. "Yea, we're all gonna be just dirt in the ground." Thanks Tom, I'm going to live my life by that line. So if life is meaningless, I guess I should just try to live my life to the fullest. If only I didn't have those weird social deficiencies. I don't care enough to fix myself up. Or perhaps I just feel helpless to change. Learned helplessness. Knowing doesn't make it better. I'll wake up tomorrow and be the same ****ed up hardware store employee I was when I went to sleep.
The media identifies us based on our profession. If I commit suicide I'd be described as a hardware store employee. How depressing is that? It sounds as if I never had a chance. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll fire me. Then I'll be the unemployed guy who killed himself. I should start writing a novel. That way I could be the dead author or writer. That should help me sell books, at least for a little while.
Back to the meaningless life thing. Living life to enjoy myself or to be comfortable- that should be my goal right? I'm afraid of being successfull. I've already pretty much achieved my goal. I don't rely on my parents for food or shelter. I have a job. I have everything I need to survive and there's nothing else I really want right now. I'm sure I'll turn into another consumer and start buying things I don't need just because. And soon I'll desire a wife and a family. I don't want to want these things. Maybe I should start taking my anti-depressants again.
Casey... man I'm so tired of living. with nothing to look forward to, there doesn't seem to be a point. Should I stay alive just in case my disposition changes and I become a regular happy/content person? The happiest I've been was when I believed I had a purpose and there was meaning in my life. I guess Christianity has left it's scars on my personality. Anyways, I thought I could give to the world but even if I did, I think I really would have just been taking away from it. Changing the world for selfish reasons. My goal was never money, it was minds. Maybe that's just a different kind of greed. I don't know if I'm making sense anymore. I'm going to bed.
One more thing though. I'm sorry Jayne. I don't know what I did to make you so mad at me, but whatever it is, I'm really really sorry. I felt so bad tonight. I won't ask you and Casey to hang out with me anymore. You guys were probably planning to do something tonight and I got you guys to hang out with me instead. Selfish. You guys should spend some time alone together. That way you guys can tell each other that you love the other. Happiness and good feelings all around. All around you. Good feelings are never mine except when I steal them.
I don't know where I am anymore
Sorry for the long post, but this is a journal entry from my best friend. He's not a Christian, and I don't really think he even knows what it's about. His presuppositions are so strong, he won't listen to any thing I have to say. He goes in and out of moods like this, sometimes it's for silly stuff. For example: When he mentions problems with me and Jayne - it wasn't that big a deal, we were really freaking hot and he actually wanted to argue about it.
Dude, I can't help it if I get hot. I just asked for a fan....
Anyways, per 1 paragraph ago - this happens. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to make him feel better about himself. He's always like this, and I know what the problem is, but telling him the problem would make things worse.
The problem is: He's extremely self-centered. He thinks that every single thing is about him. Every small incident that makes him unhappy, well golly - he must be the be all and end all of it. Horrible attitude.
I love him. I love him, he's my best friend in the world. I don't want him to feel so crappy. What do I do?
Case
Answer:
I think all you can do is show God's love for him. and talk to him, and tell him that you really like him or really let him know that he's valuable to you, and to God.
also pray for him and for what you should do.
that's all advise I could give you, I think.
Answer:
I agree...
There's really not much you can do outside of just being there for him when he needs you. Maybe let him know that it was sort of a misunderstanding and you really do like hanging out with him?
Also, is he seeing a therapist or anybody like that? You might (I don't know him so I don't know if he'd take offense to this suggestion or not) suggest that he seeks one. Lots of times depression can be treated without medication, though in this case I don't know for sure (I'm no psychologist). But I'd suggest that if you could get him to, to seek some help for this.
If he won't do that then I don't really think there's much you can do besides staying his best friend. It sounds like you care about him a lot though - he's lucky to have such a good friend.
Answer:
He takes medication for anxiety and depression, but that stuff only works when there's no reason to be depressed, that's what he says. He sincerely thinks that he's worthless, and I've tried (I've known him for 6 years) to tell him different.

Thanks,
Case
Answer:
Tough one! What words could be spoken to a person so stuck on themselves and out of Christ. Just pray that you would be able to be the opposite of what he is and pray that this hope and joy that you have would get through his tough skin. There is no doubt a hurting person suffering under there. Show him in every way possible that there is someone who cares for him even more than you do. Be a friend as only Christ has powered you to be. In my thoughts and prayers. Tamar
Answer:
Casey, one of the things that you need to understand about people with depression is that the way they perceive events around them is very different from the way you perceive them. I've not dealt with any clinically depressed people personally, so I can't tell you from experience what works best, but I can tell you that your behavior can be modified to help his. Granted there's not a whole lot you can do that will make him feel less responsible for uncontrollable events, you can still help to encourage him regularly. Just try to bear in mind that he doesn't perceive the world like you do. I wish I could help more and give more practical advice, but I can't.
Answer:
Thanks alot guys. He's on one of his up moments right now... Thanks for your prayers... .

Also, I don't want to trivialize the situation with the "up/down" reference, because that one was the worst I've seen in a while - also, his 'downs' have been getting worse.

Case

Severely Depressed Friend Question: c

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