Question:
I really don't understand how I can honour my parents when they're too inconsistent to be trusted or even for their demands to remain constant. It's in part hard because when they get angry (and half the time I don't even know why they're angry because it's not obvious and they won't tell me), they get angry and make whatever change they can to my life without consulting me whatsoever, sometimes even making said change more painful than it needs to be. But how can I obey them when one day they'll permit me to do something, the next they're violently against it, then it's okay, then against it again?
At the moment, my dad is doing this with an intensive French course I'm supposed to be taking this summer. (My mom, thankfully, has been quite consistent this time around and is alright with it.) I absolutely need to learn the language sooner or later if I wish to remain in the province (which I do), and this course is completely paid for by a government bursary for tuition, accomodation, and food. Transportation and personal expenses will still need to be covered, but the personal expenses really won't differ from what I might need if I just stayed home, and the difference caused by transportation is probably less than or equivalent to food costs. It lasts five weeks, but they've said already that they don't like having me home all summer, and the town I'm staying in is only 75 minutes away by car.
I explained this to him while applying, and once I received my acceptance letter. He didn't have a problem with it. However, today he called me over and yelled at me because he thinks this will keep me from working at the job he wants me to work at, which makes no sense because in reality there are other reasons for that which I cannot get around, and I've told him as much. So I don't know if he's forgotten, or if he's just had the sudden change of heart because of the mood he in. He often gets in moods where he will be violently opposed to things for no apparent reason, and gets angry over things which do not warrant anger at all... he's honestly raged at my mother when she's asked him what he wants for supper. It seems likely that when he calms down, he'll be okay with it for a time... until the next mood swing. However, I am likely soon going to have to confirm my position there and there are two problems with that: 1.) What do I do? If he keeps changing his mind for no apparent reason other than his mood, how can I know which demand is right? The flip side of this is that if ever I need French, he'll get mad at me for turning down the opportunity, no matter if he badgered me into doing so in the first place. Their demands aren't constant; how can I obey them when my actions are not isolated to a single moment? 2.) If I receive the request for confirmation by a phone call to my home or by mail, and my dad is in a bad mood, he may be likely to sabotage it... throw away the letter or not tell me the phone call arrived. It seems most likely that it will be sent by mail, and because the mail usually arrives when he is home and I am not, and he is very often in a bad mood especially after visiting his parents (which he does most mornings), so I'm really worried about this. I don't know if there's any way around this, but it bothers me so much.
This is so frustrating. I'm stuck at home until the summer/early fall of 2006, because I have to finish my DEC/IB diploma and I have 30 hours of class per week, not to mention I don't qualify for many jobs here because of the language thing, so there is no way that I can support myself while still going to school. (I don't have any skills which would be of use without further education, so dropping out is also not possible at the moment.) I am stressed about this to the point where I often can't work at home, and it's been worsening as the years pass. I just don't know what to do anymore. They've proven to me over and over again that they can't be trusted and their demands are subject to change without notice or reason, and I just don't get how I can go ahead and honour them anyway under the circumstances.
Answer:
Well.....simple advice.... the bible did mention in one of the 10 commandments to "Honor your father and mother". Period. Doesn't matter if the parents are abusive, alcoholics, not trustworthy or what-nots. Well, i can certainly understand how frustrating it can be sometimes as I myself had grown up with a single parent who would sometimes get angry at something else and then vent the anger at me. And also broken promises, loads of them. But what it eventually boils down to is how much you really stick to what God has prescribed.
I noticed your signature there, and well, just hold on to that promise. Things will eventually work out for good if you faithfully obey Him. We get to choose friends, but not parents.... so I'm sure God put them there for a very good reason as He did mine.
Answer:
I know, it's just that I never really understood what "honouring" means. I get that it involves obedience, but does it involve trust? And if so, what sort of trust? Does it require "normal" family love (not that I'm sure I know what that is... it seems so, so foreign)? ...I realise that at least the more general command to love neighbours and even enemies applies here, so that's just a matter of figuring out how and doing it. Easier said than done, of course, but at least there I know.
Even the obedience is tricky, for reasons beyond my bitterness and whatnot. They just change their demands too often. Usually for things like curfew, it's okay. They'll set a time, or no time at all, but as long as they tell me that time (though sometimes they don't and expect to me know somehow when I don't have a set curfew), I can obey it on a case-by-case basis. However, for the next couple of years, I have many long-term decisions to make. The last time this was a problem, it was with a job. I asked before and when I applied, made sure they knew all about it, and they were okay with it. The day I was offered the job, they were okay. Then for a while they changed every day between opposing it and then insisting that I do it so I could help pay for school. It's not as though I could have called the boss back every day and said "Sorry, my parents changed their minds, I'm going to ________ instead." The same applies to this course. My dad is now back to having no problem with it and making plans to take advantage of the quiet time. I can't make any sense out of this.
Answer:
Tracy, I can certainly understand your frustration. I think at some point this is a problem with all parents and children. My advice would be that first, you need to remember that you can't control what your parents do or how they react to situations. All you have control over is you. Don't lose your temper with your parents. Don't play one against the other...trust me, they figure it out. Wait a couple of days if you can. Figure out the financial problems, similar to what you laid out in your post. Put it down on paper. Then approach your dad again, and taking into account the concerns he has expressed, present your case again. If you make the effort to understand where your dad is coming from, he'll probably be more likely to listen to you because he'll get the sense that you listened to him. Show him the calculations and whatnot and use that as a spring board for showing him that you're on top of things.
As far as what honoring one's parents means, I think it's really much like any other relationship really. Like I've already said. You can't control how your parents act, their moodiness, or what they say. All you can do is monitor how you act. Come to them from a calm, loving, understanding place. Parents have to do a lot of stuff that they try to shield their kids from, financially, relationship-wise, etc. Understand that they have a lot on their plate and try to take into account those other factors that they have to consider. I've found with my parents, and God knows I'm far from perfect in this, that if you try to hear where they're coming from, they'll return the favor.