Question:
So, I still pop up on CGR here and there...I'm still around.
Many of the older folks here probably remember me and my crazy situation about 2 years ago...
I was 17, had a rough relationship, it ended, I got good.
So I'm here at my second semester of college and this semester I've met a really great girl. We talked/dated for about a month and this past week, we've made it official. So, after over 2 years of not dating, nor having any type of interest in dating, in God's due time, I've been sent a very special girl.
I can tell I'm growing up now because my maturity level has seemed to skyrocket. I realize taking things slow is the right way to go. We hang out and have an awesome time. Her father is a Free Will Baptist pastor...(we're both at Free Will Baptist Bible College...) and he just recently took a job in Nashville...about an hour and a half from me for the summer, as opposed to 12 hours back to NC where she's originally from.
I can tell I really like her, because I want to take every opportunity to do the RIGHT thing in God's eyes. I mean, the farthest thing in 1 1/2 months of "dating" we've done is hold hands, and by far, I am perfectly fine with that. (Sorry if this all sounds juvenile, I'm getting to my point) We have talked numerous times about spiritual conditions and whatnot, and we're continually having "spiritual" talks about whatever comes up. We're reading the same sections of the Bible each day and talking about them. We're also just really open with prayer requests and make sure we check up on each other to make sure the other one is reading their Bible and praying daily. It has been very beneficial thus far, because it truly is a relationship.
So, for those of you who remember, my previous situation ended in a lot of anger and hurt. I am over that. Yet, at the same time, my trust was shot in the last relationship. In no way am I worried about Ashley ever cheating on me and whatnot, but I know it's still taking a lot for me (with this relationship being new) to get back in the "routine" of dating.
Some problems I am having:
#1 - There are some guys on campus who like her, and fortunately being at a Christian school, they have a bit more integrity than some unsaved guys who hit on girls from the past, yet it still bothers me, just because that's how my other relationship ended. I'm in no way not wanting her to talk to these guys, because they're good Christian guys. I guess in a sense, I get a little jealous (I work at FedEx Ground M-F night, so at night she just hangs out with everyone...none of these guys exclusively though)... I guess my first advice would be how to overcome this. I trust her completely, but I dunno, these guys still are hard for me to trust. So...how?
#2 - In the previous relationship I was a trainwreck of emotions. I often find myself worrying about things that I've said and done to her...just wondering if she likes what I said and if she likes how I treated her and whatnot. I worry about impressing her a lot. Like last night, we went out and just had a very special night, and I know she enjoyed it, because she just smiled the whole night and kept thanking me and stuff, yet this still somehow leaves a little worry in my system. I want to break the worry barrier that I still have. The greatest thing about her is I know she likes me for my personality and my love for Jesus Christ...which ya know, in any relationship, that is obviously the number one thing, and secondly, she definately wouldn't like me for my looks ... Anyways, any advice as to how not to worry about impressing her and making sure I always keep things in tip-top shape.
I think the thing that is weird for me is that we know each other well. We're really comfortable just sitting and talking for hours, yet since I haven't known her for a long time, there are still things I am learning about her...
I don't know if any of this LONG post made any sense, but I know I can always turn here for Bill (that dirty old punk), nix (our friend down under), and all my other CGR friends from back in the day to just calm me down and help me rest.
I hope all of you who remember me from back in the trainwreck day realize how much I have changed mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Boy, I was such an immature brat back then. Now, my number one goal is to please God with this relationship...
All advice is welcome and thanked for.
Ryan
Answer:
Hey Ryan I have a little advice for ya bro. Calm down! Let God take control of the situation because if he's in control then it will all fall into place whatever that may be. Basicly everything surrounding this will work itself out if you let God be in control, the jealousy issue, the emotions of it all, everything. It's understandable because of your last relationship that you would be worried and a tab be emotional about it all but remember to strive for God's will in the little things in your life and the big things will fall into His will right along with the small things.
Answer:
How could I have forgotten my former advice mod, Delaina.
Yeah, I've done that. I don't know, it's so weird how within two years of not dating, then suddenly going to dating, how nervous you get getting back into the routine.
I'm resting okay with it all, but still, I guess because it is such a new relationship, it's still quite nerve wrecking, or at least in a sense.
It's just I want to do the right thing for me, and especially something which is beneficial to the kingdom of God.
Other advice, or similar situations or stuff would be awesome. I mean, I'm handling this like a big boy...(much improved from the former me)...but still, fear of getting myself into hurt again still lingers.
I'm 19, and while I know I'm not getting ready to get married, I do know I'm at the age where dating is definately a serious thing...
More more...
Answer:
Originally Posted by Ryan Akers I'm 19, and while I know I'm not getting ready to get married, I do know I'm at the age where dating is definately a serious thing...
More more... ok, I've always wondered about this and maybe you can explain it... what is the purpose of dating? if you're not ready to get married, why date?
Answer:
Originally Posted by danalyn ok, I've always wondered about this and maybe you can explain it... what is the purpose of dating? if you're not ready to get married, why date?
im not ready to get married, but i hope to marry the girl im dating.... i think it is the same for him...
Answer:
Originally Posted by Simo im not ready to get married, but i hope to marry the girl im dating.... i think it is the same for him...
This is exactly it. I'm saying, I know I'm not at the point of being able to...but the whole idea of dating, is to mature and grow to the point of loving someone in order to marry them. It's a process.
I'm not saying I am just dating to date, I am in it for the long run. But at the age of 19, I don't have the funds or anything to support a family...
Make sense?
Answer:
Originally Posted by Ryan Akers This is exactly it. I'm saying, I know I'm not at the point of being able to...but the whole idea of dating, is to mature and grow to the point of loving someone in order to marry them. It's a process.
I'm not saying I am just dating to date, I am in it for the long run. But at the age of 19, I don't have the funds or anything to support a family...
Make sense? yup. thanks.
and I wasn't asking to be obnoxious... I was just curious. (but I guess you figured that out...? )
Answer:
Yes I know...no problems...
Answer:
Some problems I am having:
#1 - There are some guys on campus who like her, and fortunately being at a Christian school, they have a bit more integrity than some unsaved guys who hit on girls from the past, yet it still bothers me, just because that's how my other relationship ended. I'm in no way not wanting her to talk to these guys, because they're good Christian guys. I guess in a sense, I get a little jealous (I work at FedEx Ground M-F night, so at night she just hangs out with everyone...none of these guys exclusively though)... I guess my first advice would be how to overcome this. I trust her completely, but I dunno, these guys still are hard for me to trust. So...how?
There is really no way to overcome jealousy in regard to your lady hanging out with other guys. Give it to God and make the decision to trust her. Another thing is that you can explain to her how you are feeling. Your feelings are very normal. It's what you do with those feelings that is important. Do you chose to trust her or not to trust her? The issue here is trust in her not in the other guys.
In my marriage, we have a rule: neither one of us can go anywhere or do anything with a member of the opposite sex alone. Groups are fine, but alone is a no-no. This protects both of us from coming anywhere near being unfaithful. I also don't see this as unreasonable in a committed relationship.
#2 - In the previous relationship I was a trainwreck of emotions. I often find myself worrying about things that I've said and done to her...just wondering if she likes what I said and if she likes how I treated her and whatnot. I worry about impressing her a lot. Like last night, we went out and just had a very special night, and I know she enjoyed it, because she just smiled the whole night and kept thanking me and stuff, yet this still somehow leaves a little worry in my system. I want to break the worry barrier that I still have. The greatest thing about her is I know she likes me for my personality and my love for Jesus Christ...which ya know, in any relationship, that is obviously the number one thing, and secondly, she definately wouldn't like me for my looks ... Anyways, any advice as to how not to worry about impressing her and making sure I always keep things in tip-top shape.
What is your view of yourself? Do you have pretty low self-esteem? I would work on trying to find my significance and fulfillment in God. Things will flow naturally from that.
Also realize that you will have fights... you will have problems... you will go through hard times. It is inevitable in any long-term committed relationship. But they key word there is committed. The goal is not to impress her... the goal is not to keep things in tip-top shape... the goal is to be the man of God that you need to be in a committed relationship. This include character, integrity, love, loyalty, etc. These are the things that matter when it comes down to it.
Now, my number one goal is to please God with this relationship...
I say this with love to you: Then why are you concerned so much about impressing her and keeping everything in tip-top shape? I say this only to spur you on to think about what you are thinking/feeling/doing. In everything you do, ask yourself, "Is this pleasing/glorifying to God?" If you are trying to impress her (pride), this is probably not pleasing to God, but if you are being 'there' for her (empathy), this probably is. God is concerned with our character.
I apologize in advance if I didn't understand portions of your post, so bear with me. Also, realize that I say all of this in love and that I don't know you from Adam, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. I definitely have my own issues.
Answer:
Well, I'll step out on a limb here. I have a feeling many of you would doubt what I am soon to say, but I say this with full sincerity. I handled everything and I am not worried about anything whatsoever.
I do believe Satan was using this trying to distract me from this week at school where we are having "Bible Conference"...a series of messages. I have gotten so much out of it, but at the beginning of the week, I missed something due to just being worried about things. Anyways, I prayed to God yesterday to handle everything (or in a nutshell I prayed that)...but comfort and ease and no worry quickly came over me.
It's all in God's hands.
Originally Posted by exo There is really no way to overcome jealousy in regard to your lady hanging out with other guys. Give it to God and make the decision to trust her. Another thing is that you can explain to her how you are feeling. Your feelings are very normal. It's what you do with those feelings that is important. Do you chose to trust her or not to trust her? The issue here is trust in her not in the other guys.
In my marriage, we have a rule: neither one of us can go anywhere or do anything with a member of the opposite sex alone. Groups are fine, but alone is a no-no. This protects both of us from coming anywhere near being unfaithful. I also don't see this as unreasonable in a committed relationship.
This is not an issue for me anymore. She's a mature and good girl...I think she knows what the deal is.
I trust her...easily. And I even have come to a comfort with trusting her around guys that like her. God has given me a peace and maturity.
What is your view of yourself? Do you have pretty low self-esteem? I would work on trying to find my significance and fulfillment in God. Things will flow naturally from that.
In some instances, I would say I have some self-esteem problems. After my last relationship, I was just left with broken trust toward the entire female gender...and that's about it...just fear of ever being hurt like that again...
As far as an over-all picture of self-esteem...no...I have no problem with my picture of myself or anything like that. (Sometimes, I can probably be a tid bit vain)
Also realize that you will have fights... you will have problems... you will go through hard times. It is inevitable in any long-term committed relationship. But they key word there is committed. The goal is not to impress her... the goal is not to keep things in tip-top shape... the goal is to be the man of God that you need to be in a committed relationship. This include character, integrity, love, loyalty, etc. These are the things that matter when it comes down to it.
Amen to this. No relationship will ever run completely smooth, because if it did, I think the two people would have to be sinless. Two people will never agree on every issue...I see that. It is my goal to be the man God wants me to be. That was my main point I believe, I just omitted it in the typing of everything else. But I totally and fully agree...
I say this with love to you: Then why are you concerned so much about impressing her and keeping everything in tip-top shape? I say this only to spur you on to think about what you are thinking/feeling/doing. In everything you do, ask yourself, "Is this pleasing/glorifying to God?" If you are trying to impress her (pride), this is probably not pleasing to God, but if you are being 'there' for her (empathy), this probably is. God is concerned with our character.
And totally agree with this. You put it in a new light/perspective, though. I am totally wanting to seek God's will, so I shouldn't worry about everything. I thank you for this last part...
Believe me, it doesn't offend me at all. I guess just after my last mess (if you ever get bored, check advice forums and stuff and see the mess lol) I want to do everything to prevent something like that from happening again. But, I figure if I stay in God's will and listen and totally rely on him...I should be pretty good.
Sure, I want things to run smoothly with her, but if they don't, it's still in God's hands.
Just wanted to thank everyone for posts and whatnot, but I am at perfect and wondrous peace with everything. God is wonderful.
I do ask that you pray for her family. Her father has been pastoring at a church in Washington, NC for the past 14 years, and just 2 weeks ago took the pastoring job at a church here in Nashville. It is a very trying time for the entire family, and to see their family in sorrow and grief bothers me very much. I would appreciate your prayers for her family in this time of transition to follow God's will in their lives.
Answer:
Sounds like you are on the right track, then, bro. Keep it up!
Answer:
BTW, I misstated something in my previous post. I should have said: "I would work on trying to find my significance and security in God." While we can find some of this with our spouse, it must primarily come from God. The 'security' word was escaping me yesterday.
I went through a similar situation as yourself (cheating girlfriend), and once I found my security and significance in God, the jealousy went away (although it can never go away completely... if someone is flirting with your spouse/girlfriend, I would hope that you would be jealous ). But the jealousy that consumes you and worries you definitely should be gone.