Question:
What sort of action do I take in regard to friendships created through an ex-girlfriend? Particularly her father who I had become a good friend with over the two years and who I have alot of respect for.
I feel heavy hearted that I had let him down with my responsibility to his daughter, which then led to our broken relationship. I feel like I have held things back from him that I know would hurt him and probably our future relationship. Does he have a right to know, as he is close to his daughter and he is also the pastor of our church? Or is it not my business? I would like to continue the friendship with him, but its hard when I have done something that I know would disappoint him in me and especially his daughter. (by the way, we slept together for anyone one is new to this board).
I have prayed hard over this for a while and Im not sure whether or not it is for me to say. I am concerned for my ex-gf though, who has had a run of bad relationships and even suggested to me that she isnt sure whether she can abstain from sex in the future. Im really concerned that she will do stupid things... sigh... she is out of my life... but I still care for her....
I want her to take responsibility with her own sexuality, rather than leaving it up to the guy. She had told this new guy she likes that if they ever have sex she is leaving him. That seems to be leaving alot of responsibility on him, and I know thats what I felt happened to me. She was quite seductive though, and "played with fire" (as she put it) often, then she would resent me for being a human male with hormones and not able to control things every time temptation came by.
She respects her father and if he only knew her struggles it might be easier for him to understand our problems now and why there is an intensity between us. Also, he perhaps may be able to be proactive in her future relationships to help her control things. Such as setting a kerfue at night and also boundaries for when he goes on holiday. Both of these would limit struggles I know were a big problem for us.
Its a dilemma. If I tell him, I would sacrifice her remaining trust in me and probably also the faith and respect of the father and the family whom I love. Though, it may enable her to be more responsible for the things she was equally a part of and also become more accountable in future relationships. BUT! and thats a big BUT! If I dont tell him, I will be able to maintain a loose friendship with the father still and probably with her later on down the track. Though, I am sure that she will struggle sexually, especially after the tail-end of a huge relationship that was sexual.
Answer:
i think you should come clean before you start getting sick and getting ulsers and stuff.and her dad will respect you more if you come clean and tell him you told him cause you didnt want to let him down and if he says he doesnt want to see you again it's not meant for you guys to be friends anymore.and maybe over time he will respect you.
Answer:
So far my feedback for this, through pms and posts, has been to tell her father what happened between us, that we slept together. I think it is the right thing to do, and I wanted to do it with respect to the ex-gf as well. I emailed her to tell her that I intend to and that it would be good for us to both take responsibility for this and let him know so that it wont blow up in her face. I dont want it to get messy, but she isnt talking to me and wont reply... How do I approach the father? What do I say? I feel I need to say it in person, but its gonna be hard to do this... plus I dont know what his reaction will be. Hmmm, I now feel like I should just leave her mess and get away from it all, we've done enough damage already... I am not getting an ulcer, just not sure whether or not Im obliged to say something or if I can just wash my hands of it and be done. I think our friendships have already ended though.
Answer:
Are you doing this because you feel guilty??
I think you should let her deal with it, it is for her to talk to her father.
Answer:
I really don't think it's your place to lay this out for the father's information. It's something that if it's going to be done, and done correctly, it needs to be done to her. However, given her unfortunately immature sounding attitude "i'll break up with you if we have sex" I doubt that is going to happen.
I would talk to a pastor, or someone that you trust (face to face) before i went to talk to her father.
It's up to you man.
Answer:
Okay, I think Im deciding to leave it be. Its best for everyone. I care for her heaps, but this isnt showing it if I dont respect her wishes. If she decides to tell him then its her call, Im not gonna betray her trust and also hurt and disappoint her father just because its weighing heavy on me. I can deal with this and any problems that she has through her future relationships is her problem as much as I would like to help.
Cheers for all your advice, I needed to hear both sides to make the right decision.