Question:
For those of you who will be patient enough to read and reply to this, I thank you.
And so the story begins:
All my life, I've been told I'm not good enough. Not directly, but through people's actions and words, I've found that I'm thought of as not good enough. I've lived with constant suggestions for my improvement. "Lose weight, get better grades, work harder, you're lazy, you don't know anything, you're wrong." I never felt like I could do anything right.
I will say, quite truely, that 99% of this has come from my father. Sometimes I wonder if it's his way of making up for his past mistakes by telling me how to live my life. I don't know.
I've always told myself that it doesn't matter what other people think or say. I've told myself this with what my dad says to me. But it doesn't work. So here's the skinny:
I feel terribly inadequate. And it hurts.
Currently I am in a relationship with a beautiful, Godly young woman whom God has used to bless my life immensly. Though I already have strong boundaries set on how physical our relationship is/will be (though we haven't discussed them together; I will get to that later), there is, like any other relationship, the occasional "snuggle" close and arms around each others shoulder, etc.
My inadequate feelings leave me feeling so inadequate that I feel like I can't be the friend that I want to be to her. I'm constantly comparing myself to other relationships (specifically her sister and one of my best friends who we hang out a lot with). Tonight I was with some friends, and she was sitting beside me, kind of cozying up next to me. One of my guy friends (who is a great person and in no way meant any harm by what he did) kept motioning for me to put my arm around her. Harmless, no big deal, right? I couldn't do it. Because I-don't-feel-adequate-enough to even just let her know that I care. And not doing it is just as bad, because I feel judged, as if I'm not "man" enough to put my arm around her. Or I feel looked down on because...well, I don't really know. I just feel as if whatever I were to do would not be right (I don't mean morally right...I'm not sure what I mean...maybe one of you do).
Comments on any of that are welcome, but there are some things I need help with.
1) Would this be safe and/or neccessary to share with her? I feel like I should, but I could use other points of view.
2) As I mentioned before, I have not talked with her yet about physical boundaries, something I hope to accomplish within the next week. So yes, it will be done, and yes, it is important, but my question is to those who have experience and to those who know, just how important is it for discuss these things with a boyfriend/girlfriend?
I know 16 is very young to date. She is 14, going on 15 this month. Even younger, perhaps too young, though she has the maturity (spiritually, socially, and emotionally) of an 18 year old. I would rather not have the subject of dating ages brought up in this thread, as I already know what has been said and questioned and answered in other threads about it.
I would be really thankful for prayer and advice on this. It's been an issue and is becoming a bigger one.
Answer:
wow. Yeah, I braved your whole post. And I bet it took alot out of you to write all that you did. I know only too well the feelings of being inadequate... I wish I had some words that would help with this... Sadly, I probably don't deal with it properly myself. I'll keep you in my prayers and you're welcome to PM me if you want to talk.
As for how important it is to talk to your girlfriend about this... with the situation you mentioned... I'd say you should. If you can trust her you need to tell her. (note: I'm trying to totally leave the age subject alone here)
Originally Posted by unneccessary 2) As I mentioned before, I have not talked with her yet about physical boundaries, something I hope to accomplish within the next week. So yes, it will be done, and yes, it is important, but my question is to those who have experience and to those who know, just how important is it for discuss these things with a boyfriend/girlfriend?
very very very very very very important.
Answer:
Originally Posted by unneccessary For those of you who will be patient enough to read and reply to this, I thank you. I thought it was quite interesting, actually
Originally Posted by unneccessary I've always told myself that it doesn't matter what other people think or say. I've told myself this with what my dad says to me. But it doesn't work. Nor should you expect it to. If all your life all you've gotten is negative remarks and insults, that will inevitably have a deep impact on you. That is a fact. You can act like and hope that it doesn't matter or it doesn't affect you, but that simply isn't the case. You must be honest with yourself. This is something that took me a long time to learn. It took me until I was about 19 before I was able to be emotionally honest with myself and understand how some of the things I'd experienced in my life affected me. I'd encourage you to find someone that you can talk to about this, someone that can help you understand how you feel, like maybe your pastor or a school counselor.
Originally Posted by unnecessary 1) Would this be safe and/or neccessary to share with her? I feel like I should, but I could use other points of view. I don't know how close you are with this girl, but I feel like this is a very good idea. It is always a good idea to be honest with the person you're with about your feelings, and communication is a major part of every serious relationship. If you care about her and you know she cares about you, I think this is something that you should share with her.
Originally Posted by unnecessary 2) As I mentioned before, I have not talked with her yet about physical boundaries, something I hope to accomplish within the next week. So yes, it will be done, and yes, it is important, but my question is to those who have experience and to those who know, just how important is it for discuss these things with a boyfriend/girlfriend? It is essential; you must do this. It might seem stupid and even feel stupid while you're doing it, but the freedom that comes from a relationship where both people know what to expect feels so much better. So much stress is taken out when both people agree to the boundaries and can focus on other things.
Ben
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hey. i'm jacqui. i've been through exactly what you're talking about. i'll be perfectly honest when i tell you this. i've been raped. multiple times. it was the same guywho constantly belittled me and physically, emotionally, and spiritually abused me. i know how it feels to feel inadequate. i'm SO praying for you and your gf. i feel judged because i can't touch people. it took me a long time to realize how much this guy hurt and had an affect on me. i thought at first that if i just held the emotion inside and convinced myself that it didn't matter that it would be ok. it wasn't. you have to accept your hurt and take it to God. it's VERY important. on whether you should tell your gf i say definitly. let her know. pray together. and on the physical boundaries thing....IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!! if you don't i can guarantee that it will be comprimised soon.
Answer:
Originally Posted by unneccessary 2) As I mentioned before, I have not talked with her yet about physical boundaries, something I hope to accomplish within the next week. So yes, it will be done, and yes, it is important, but my question is to those who have experience and to those who know, just how important is it for discuss these things with a boyfriend/girlfriend?
it's uber important. ya gotta be on the same page, especially about something so important to you.
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In regards to telling her how you feel (question 1 i think) i reckon you should.
She is probably one of your closest frineds (or atleast i hope she is) and this sounds like something you woould share with someone you confide in. Go ahead and do it, discuss with her the implications this may have on your relationship. Be honest, pray about it, ask her to pray about it....
Answer:
Originally Posted by unneccessary For those of you who will be patient enough to read and reply to this, I thank you.
And so the story begins:
All my life, I've been told I'm not good enough. Not directly, but through people's actions and words, I've found that I'm thought of as not good enough. I've lived with constant suggestions for my improvement. "Lose weight, get better grades, work harder, you're lazy, you don't know anything, you're wrong." I never felt like I could do anything right.
I will say, quite truely, that 99% of this has come from my father. Sometimes I wonder if it's his way of making up for his past mistakes by telling me how to live my life. I don't know.
I've always told myself that it doesn't matter what other people think or say. I've told myself this with what my dad says to me. But it doesn't work. So here's the skinny:
I feel terribly inadequate. And it hurts.
Yep. I know. All too well. Home was about the only place where I didn't get rejected or belittled. For me, it happened right up until I was about 16 or 17. It happened at school, it happened at youth, it happened after school from the neighbour's kids. By the time I was at an age where people treat their peers with more dignity, I was indoctrinated into thinking that I was useless. I can remember my mom walking me to the grocery store, telling me that I was an alright person, but it wasnèt much comfort when I knew what I was going to deal with when I went to school the next day. It still flares up from time to time, especially if I make a big boo-boo at work (like when I did $6000 of damage to a BV-206 snow car), but for the most part, I have had to learn how to be accepted. For example, I deliberately secluded myself from the group (I still do - I sit by myself and read Victor Hugo novels on my break while everybody is chatting it up), and I have to make an effort to intergate myself with others. And when I do, I find that people don't think that I'm as much of a twit as I initially thought. I happily claim the title of Stupidest and Ugliest Loser Alive, and wear it as a badge of honour. And as long as I'm holding it, you can't. I wear the crown, and there will be no usurpers so long as I live. Sorry, but you're just a lot better than that.
Currently I am in a relationship with a beautiful, Godly young woman whom God has used to bless my life immensly. Though I already have strong boundaries set on how physical our relationship is/will be (though we haven't discussed them together; I will get to that later), there is, like any other relationship, the occasional "snuggle" close and arms around each others shoulder, etc.
Can't really offer much advice here, because I've never had anybody to put my arm around. And I'm 24. But if I were to hasard a guess, I'd say that talking about physical limits is muay important.
My inadequate feelings leave me feeling so inadequate that I feel like I can't be the friend that I want to be to her. I'm constantly comparing myself to other relationships (specifically her sister and one of my best friends who we hang out a lot with). Tonight I was with some friends, and she was sitting beside me, kind of cozying up next to me. One of my guy friends (who is a great person and in no way meant any harm by what he did) kept motioning for me to put my arm around her. Harmless, no big deal, right? I couldn't do it. Because I-don't-feel-adequate-enough to even just let her know that I care. And not doing it is just as bad, because I feel judged, as if I'm not "man" enough to put my arm around her. Or I feel looked down on because...well, I don't really know. I just feel as if whatever I were to do would not be right (I don't mean morally right...I'm not sure what I mean...maybe one of you do).
When I was in Bible college, my room mate was a complete extrovert, who had no problem with women. So many times, I asked myself, "Why couldn't I be more like Derrick? Why did I have to be a complete loser? And then as a couple years went by, I watched all my friends marry, then my sister, then my brother. And there I was, sitting in the corner like a total yob, wondering what was wrong with me. I've fired machine guns, thrown grenades, lived in the bush for weeks at a time, stood fast while my buddy threw his bayonet into the ground next to my foot, stood up to superiors, crawled through barbed wire, gone to France twice on my own, got stuck in an airport 4000 miles form home for two days (all in one year), and managed to keep a level head through it all, but here I was, totally unable to find anybody special. Then I realised (partly due to what some of my friends here said) that there wasn't anything wrong with me.
1) Would this be safe and/or neccessary to share with her? I feel like I should, but I could use other points of view.
That's up to you. But don't feel like you're something less because you did or didn't. I did that once and it sent me into a slump for four years. One of these days, I'll tell you the story of that one.
I know 16 is very young to date. She is 14, going on 15 this month. Even younger, perhaps too young, though she has the maturity (spiritually, socially, and emotionally) of an 18 year old. I would rather not have the subject of dating ages brought up in this thread, as I already know what has been said and questioned and answered in other threads about it.
I make a point of not bringing up age around here, because often times, people will just come out and say, "You're too young, blah, blah, blah", while neglecting to mention the fact that they're only a year and a half older than you. My opinions on the matter I tend to keep to myself. What I will say is that I remember being 16, and how real your feelings can be, and I would caution you to excercise prudence when you're with her.
Hope I've helped, at least a little.
Answer:
Thanks a lot for the encouragement. It means a lot. I'm feeling better now, but then again, I always eventually do. I will post more about this later, but right now I'm at school and grounding from using the computer at home.
Thanks again.
Answer:
Originally Posted by unneccessary Thanks a lot for the encouragement. It means a lot. I'm feeling better now, but then again, I always eventually do. I will post more about this later, but right now I'm at school and grounding from using the computer at home.
Thanks again.
You always eventually do. Once something happens, you start feeling down over it, then as you come to realise that it's not as bad as you thought, you start feeling better. They were going to take the cost of repair of that BV-206 from my salary, which really made me feel depressed, because it would have meant me working for free for the next five months, but one of the covilian mechanics came to the rescue, explained the situation, and they decided that it wasn't completely my fault. A few weeks ago, I had a personnel interview with the Warrant Officer back at 3 R22R Maintenance, and we were able to joke about it.
When I was in Bible college, (five years ago) there was a young lady there I liked, and for the first time in my life, I told a woman how I felt about her. Well, when she was picked up by another guy (a real charmer), I became quite depressed. That lasted for four years. The whole time, I was thinking, 'If I were only more outgoing, more interpersonal, more charming, I wouldn't be in this situation.' Point is, I was thinking that there was something wrong with me, and only recently have I realised that this is not the case. There's nothing wrong with you either.
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Originally Posted by Grasshopper359 The whole time, I was thinking, 'If I were only more outgoing, more interpersonal, more charming, I wouldn't be in this situation.' Point is, I was thinking that there was something wrong with me, and only recently have I realised that this is not the case.
I think that a lot, too. Almost that exact thing.
The source of this whole problem is my struggle with doubt. I have no reason to doubt, really. This girl not only says I'm something of worth, but shows it, too. But Satan still manages to put those doubts in my mind. It's amazing the way he gets to me.
The fact is that God loves me and you, so much so that He was willing to give up His Son for me. I find that amazing, and it's a wonder why I don't remember it when doubt creeps in. It's all I need to remember.
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Ah, my old friend Johnny. You may call him Doubt, but when you've known him as long as I have...(That's a joke)
He doesn't bother me as much as he used to, but he still likes to mill about and try to strike up a conversation every so often.
And if you were a person of no worth, then you wouldn't have this girl telling you otherwise. There's obviously some redeeming quality in you that she sees.
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The doubt has been gone for some time now. I don't know if it will return. Hopefully it will not.
This has been the biggest battle so far in this relationship, and it seems as if we have won, for now, at least.
Originally Posted by Grasshopper359 And if you were a person of no worth, then you wouldn't have this girl telling you otherwise. There's obviously some redeeming quality in you that she sees.
I knew this during the time that I was feeling all of this. But it didn't seem to help. Satan really had me held down. It seems he's slacked off lately.
Again, thank you all for the encouragement and advice.
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Originally Posted by unneccessary
I know 16 is very young to date. She is 14, going on 15 this month.
that sounds like my life... (but i am not dating)
Answer:
Originally Posted by matt j t that sounds like my life... (but i am not dating)
No more raising threads from the dead! Period!