Question:
A thread in Advice inspired this one.
Should people in committed dating relationships keep each other sexually accountable, unexclusively? "Unexclusively" meaning they are not the only two people involved in accountability for both partners. For example, If person A in the relationship is accountable to the third-party person C, and person B in the relationship is accountable to the third-party person D, is it appropriate for persons A and B to hold each other accountable as well, as long as it does not lead to temptation or inappropriate openness?
_Epaphras
Answer:
I would say no. That's a role better served by an accountability partner of your same gender. If there's already any degree of sexual temptation in a relationship, describing to the other person, in detail, the sort of temptations you're struggling with is only going hurt the situation. It will make it more likely that you'll begin thinking those sort of thoughts when you see that person, if that's something you're talking about often.
Of course, a lesser degree of accountability - being able to say "When you do / say / wear such-and-such, it's a struggle for me not to be tempted" - is a necessity, as is the willingness to discuss boundaries. But your primary source of accountability should not be your "significant other."
Here's another reason against it: seeking accountability elsewhere forces you to have at least one other, deep Christian friendship besides your relationship with whoever you're dating. And that will keep you from the trap of sacrificing all your other relationships for the sake of your current romantic relationship.
Answer:
Also: an accountability relationship implies a pretty deep level of spiritual and emotional intimacy with someone. Diving into that sort of intimacy too fast in a relationship can be just as harmful as pushing the physical intimacy too fast. So it would _certainly_ be out of the question in any relationship that is not quite mature...
Answer:
I think it depends. When I was getting very serious in my dating relationship it was helpful for me to tell her when I was tempted and vice-versa. It just is not easy to do, and as such it is a stout deterent.
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I think yes, Who is better to keep you from doing anything other than the person you might do something with? Call me stupid if you please but this is my opinion, But you should also have someone else with you to help you, such as a good friend of you and your spouse. They can help you in the hard times too, in the event of you and your spouse having urges or anything that you both have whose going to stop you? Thats my two cents.
Answer:
Originally Posted by N O A H They can help you in the hard times too, in the event of you and your spouse having urges or anything that you both have whose going to stop you?
The question was about dating relationships, not marriage. I would agree that in a marriage or engagement relationship, or in any relationship that has had plenty of time to develop, the sort of intimacy involved in accountability wouldn't stress the relationship or push it too far too fast.
But if it's a matter of two people who are still in their teens or two people who have only recently started dating, it definitely wouldn't be a good idea. It would be quite foolish, for example, to ask a girl on your first date if she would be your accountability partner to help you control your sexual urges...
Answer:
Interesting, guys. Really.
Let's tweak it a little: what if you're not holding each other accountable like you would a partner of the same sex, but you're both aware of each-others struggles and pray for one another regarding sexual purity and temptation, etc.?
Basically, awareness v. accountability.
And we're talking long-term, committed relationships here.
_Epaphras
Answer:
Originally Posted by Epaphras Let's tweak it a little: what if you're not holding each other accountable like you would a partner of the same sex, but you're both aware of each-others struggles and pray for one another regarding sexual purity and temptation, etc.?
Well, you should be praying for all aspects of each others' lives, not just sexual purity; I see no reason to single out that one thing and devote more prayer time to it than anything else. Sexual sin may be the most noticeable problem that dating couples will encounter, but it is not the only problem.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Blindman Well, you should be praying for all aspects of each others' lives, not just sexual purity; I see no reason to single out that one thing and devote more prayer time to it than anything else. Sexual sin may be the most noticeable problem that dating couples will encounter, but it is not the only problem. I know, but what I guess I'm trying to ask is, is it appropriate for serious dating couples to discuss sexual purity/temptation (within reason)?
_Epaphras
Answer:
Originally Posted by Epaphras I know, but what I guess I'm trying to ask is, is it appropriate for serious dating couples to discuss sexual purity/temptation (within reason)?
_Epaphras
definitely
Answer:
Originally Posted by Epaphras I know, but what I guess I'm trying to ask is, is it appropriate for serious dating couples to discuss sexual purity/temptation (within reason)?
Of course. It's a necessity, really. But "accountability" implies confessing specific sins to each other, and for people who are less mature or in a less developed relationship, that may _increase_ the temptation instead of helping to remove it. Far better to have your source of accountability be a different friend, at least until a relationship is well on its way toward marriage.
And even then, I don't think sexual accountability should take precedence over accountability in other areas. I see something very unhealthy in fixing our attention primarily on sexual temptation instead of being equally watchful of all sin.
Answer:
Absolutely. A couple in a commited relationship must talk about how they feel. It really helps. If you know specific things that may be more tempting to each other also, they can be avoided. You aren't going to talk about specific things with an accountability partner, because they obviously can't do anything to help you but pray. But by telling the person you're involved with, hopefully they can help you avoid the temption.