Should Youth Pastors be/get Married?
Originally Posted by Rach I have been silently following this thread and really don't understand why it was moved to Theology. I moved it back to Advice. If you want to take the fiancee vs. wife discussion to Theology, then create a new thread over there without all the excess banter in this thread. This one is too long (and far too confusing) to ship over there and try to make any sense out of.
Done. Split and moved.
- Chris Harbison
*NOTE* For history on this thread, refer to "A Tad Mad" in advice.
To any of you who are wanting to become youth leaders.. a rule to remember: if you can't do your job, you need to find other people to pick up the slack.
Now, to Renny, I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. It is true that when people fall inlove, it takes all their thoughts and minds.. this is one reason I believe very strongly that youth ministers should be married with kids of their own, and the BEST youth ministers are those who have already had teens of their own. Perhaps you don't find them as "cool" but honestly they are the best capable of helping youth and thier folks.
speaking about folks.. have you talked to your PARENTS about what's going on? I think that is the best move for you. tell your parents how you feel about what's going on, and get the wisdom they have. Maybe they would even be willing to help your youth pastor out while he is putting his life together. If your parents, and the other parents of the youth, would get involved durring this time, taking charge of youth events, helping out in youth group, then that would not only be a blessing to your youth pastor, but it would help you guys durring this time as well.
There are many ways to skin a cat, the key is to find the one that will cuase the least damage to everyone.
I completley agree with Bekcy, and perhaps writting your pastor a letter might help and make it unanimous. I've always find writting my feelings down on a piece of paper helps the situation a bit.
Let me tell you though that I am happily engaged and it does take much of my time being with my fiance, but it makes both of us very happy together. Gratned we should not ignore our other respoinsiblities, however priorities tend to shift when someone is about to get married and for justifiable reasons I think. Its a fine line to walk on and I can't image I would be doing much better as a pastor than he is right now.
Love is strange that way.
Originally Posted by Becky To any of you who are wanting to become youth leaders.. a rule to remember: if you can't do your job, you need to find other people to pick up the slack.
And what evidence do you have that this youth pastor (who can't defend himself) isn't doing his job, Becky? The only thing we know for sure is that he cancelled a girl's lock-in and even that story got changed before we knew the details.
I can't find the verse... but I know the bible says if you have a problem with someone, go and talk to them about it. If you want to do it in a letter... fine. But don't make it anonymous. That would kind of defeat the purpose.
Originally Posted by *Renny* we tried REALLY hard today, but he can't sit still! we tried to sit him down and talk to him, but he just left. How did ya'll try to talk to him? I know I wouldn't just walk away from someone if they sat me down and said, "I (we) have a sort of problem with you. Seeing as how no one has said anything to you yet, I (we) are sure you have no idea what it is that you are doing. So, here goes..."
From the way things sound.... your youth pastor has no idea that you (ya'll) have a problem with him. (and Beth)
You might find it helpful if you start by believing that he cares about you guys, and doesn't WANT to be neglecting you all. And you should hope that everything works out amazingly. I'd expect having your youth minister having a wife will only increese his effectiveness, because there will be two of them.. besides, it's better for girls to have a girl to go to. Further you need to be patent with him, as he adjusts to his new life..
Here's a good assignment for you go through the list of love I have above.. and next to each word, write how you can do that with your youth pastor. you might find it helpful
Well, gal, I disagree with a lot of the responses you've been getting.
For instance, I disagree with the dude who said your youth pastor should not have asked your group's opinion about his marrying Beth. Actually, it think it was a really good idea that he asked you, because it helps him to know what is going on inside of all of you. While I don't think he should base his life decisions on what you guys answered, I do think that AS YOUR YOUTH PASTOR it was a really good thing for him to understand how you all are feeling so he can examine how he is behaving.
Now, he talks about Beth all the time to you. Perhaps this is because he is "in love" as one of the people above said, but I have known lots of people who were in love, and getting married, and yet they were mature about it and were able to do other things, talk about other things, and not let their love life interfere with their jobs. Being a youth pastor is this guy's JOB, and he should not be letting his romantic life interfere with that. So I think, Renny, that you have a point that needs to be addressed with him.
On the other hand, maybe part of the reason he talks about Beth to you guys is to educate you... Maybe he wants you to understand what a Godly man thinks when he is in love with a woman, so that as you guys get older and start thinking about getting married, you will have a standard to compare your boyfriends to. Or maybe, he is just trying to get you guys like Beth (even though it is having the opposite effect) by talking about her to you all because maybe he is figuring that as they get married, she will become more and more a part of the leadership of the youth group.
Either way, your youth pastor is an important person in all you guys' lives, since he's been there and helped you all grow in the Lord and all so much. It is understandable that this will take some adjustment on your end as you get used to him having someone else in his life and not just the youth group. This is something to take before the Lord, even with your friends in the youth group, and ask the Lord to help you with.
Tell Him something like, "Lord, we're really upset that Beth is so much in the way, but please show us how to include her in our lives now that she is part of the youth pastor's life, and help us to see what YOU want to do in his life and our life by having her here, and help us to love her and not be so bugged by this all the time..." Really pray it through, because if they ARE getting married, you will want to be a blessing to them and not just want them to be a blessing to you. God is doing this for a reason in your lives too. Instead of grumbling and complaining about it together, help each other see God's desires in it and strengthen each other in prayer about.
On the other hand, what you are feeling is SOMEWHAT due to your youth pastor's mistakes in all this. The Bible says that when someone is single, He/She can devote all their focus to serving the Lord. But when he/she is married, he is distracted from fully serving the Lord because he has to think of the one he is married to. One way to compensate for this is when the two that are getting married to each other choose not so much to focus ON each other, as much as serving the Lord and serving God's people TOGETHER. Maybe your youth pastor needs you guys to express your concerns and feelings that he is being distracted from you, so that he can talk to Beth and they can re-focus their relationship together back on doing what the Lord has called them to do together, instead of just "on" each other.
Perhaps this is also a good lesson for your youth group, as you guys get older and think about dating, as to why you might want to pray about staying single for a while and seeing how you can best serve the Lord without the distraction of a boyfriend or girlfriend. Or, maybe it's just to show you that when you DO start dating, that you really need to watch your own steps and keep your relationships focused on serving God and the people of God, rather than letting yourself get too focused on just the person you are dating.
At any rate, I think it is really important that you get over your feelings of embarrassment or fear about talking to your youth pastor, and just go honestly tell him how you feel. I think it would be a good idea to take another person along, especially a guy, so he will know that you don't have a crush on him and are jealous of him just cause you don't want him to have a wife or something stupid like that... Go and explain how you feel you are losing a terrific youth leader, that you miss the way the youth group used to be, and you really want him to think about you guys and not just Beth. Just tell him how you feel. Maybe this would even be something that some of your PARENTS should talk to him about, because if he can't do the job of being a youth leader, your church might want to release him and let someone else do the job until he and Beth are more ready to focus on you guys.
But PRAY! Pray that God shows you HIS perspective on blessing both your youth pastor and Beth, and gives you his love for her, and helps you see this from HIS perspective and not just your own. Maybe you guys need to just start thinking of doing sleepovers and stuff at one of your houses, and praying more together as girls..maybe you are being called to be more of a leader in your group and invite them to come hang out with you outside of youth group, doing cool things without the youth pastor having to put it all together for you, and learn to follow the Lord together without a hired hand to lead you there. Just some thoughts.
You'll never know whether my opinion, your opinion, or anyone else's opinion is the right answer to your dilemma, until you get your group together, get on your knees, and seek for His Spirit to show you the answers. God bless you as you do..
Your sister in Jesus,
I'm basically going to repeat everyone else and say that it just seems like you guys are jealous because your youth pastor is not solely focused on you at this point.
when I was in jr. high, my youth pastor was a young, single man. we always had all his attention and he worked really hard to make our youth group the best it could be. when he announced he was getting married, we were all ecstatic. why would you begrudge your pastor his happiness? if God has called him to be married, you shouldn't wish it away. my pastor actually got married after I graduated from 8th grade, but all the current girls in the group love his wife, and it's opened up so many more options for the group. now they can have girls' sleepovers with her, and boys' sleepovers with him on the same night in different buildings at the church. they can do movie days where he takes the guys to see action movies and she takes the girls to see cutesy, girly movies. now he's doubly effective because he's working as a team with his wife, and the girls can approach her about issues that they might feel uncomfortable discussing with him.
imagine how Beth feels if she knows you openly dislike her. if she's a woman of God, she's going to be supportive of your youth pastor 100%. most likely, if she's marrying a junior high youth pastor, she has a heart for junior highers and a desire to work with you guys. how would you like it if a group of girls who didn't really know you disliked you simply because you were marrying their youth pastor? you might think, "but they don't even know me, and I want so much to work with them and be friends with them!"
what you need to do is pray about this, and ask God to change your attitude, rather than Him changing theirs. instead of looking at it as losing your pastor, why don't you instead look at it as you gaining another counselor and friend?
Originally Posted by FilltheEarth Now, he talks about Beth all the time to you. Perhaps this is because he is "in love" as one of the people above said, but I have known lots of people who were in love, and getting married, and yet they were mature about it and were able to do other things, talk about other things, and not let their love life interfere with their jobs. Being a youth pastor is this guy's JOB, and he should not be letting his romantic life interfere with that. So I think, Renny, that you have a point that needs to be addressed with him.
I have to wholeheartedly disagree with this. Sure, in principle it's not good to let one's romantic life get in the way of one's life, but in this case, it's marriage. Marriage. Could you imagine not being distracted, busy, or pressed for time if you were in the same stage in your life?
[To the starter of the thread]: If he is in fact giving his fiancee more attention than you guys, then forgive him. The issue does not need to be addressed face-to-face, though; I think that would be too much of an intrusion on his personal affairs. I think the best idea is just to wait it out, and get over the fact that your youth pastor will be a little unfocused or "out of touch" for a few months or however long until he's married. I'm sure you have close relationships with other people, so why dwell so much on a relatively superficial one?
Originally Posted by filltheearth Now, he talks about Beth all the time to you. Perhaps this is because he is "in love" as one of the people above said, but I have known lots of people who were in love, and getting married, and yet they were mature about it and were able to do other things, talk about other things, and not let their love life interfere with their jobs. Being a youth pastor is this guy's JOB, and he should not be letting his romantic life interfere with that. So I think, Renny, that you have a point that needs to be addressed with him.
I have to agree with Shredcheddar. Why does the youth pastor's actions constitute immaturity? You're also assuming that we've actually been given all the facts. We haven't. My grandfather used to always tell me, "there's 3 sides to every story - your side, my side, and what really happened." I think it's premature to assume the youth pastor is being immature with only hearing one side of the story - a side that's changed/evolved throughout the course of this thread at that.
if we don't know the truth, then NON OF US, have ANY right to give advice AT ALL.. because you can not assume that the youth pastor is inocent either. I mean, he's an unmarried youth pastor... what more info do you need to know somethings wrong with the picture?
Originally Posted by Becky if we don't know the truth, then NON OF US, have ANY right to give advice AT ALL.. because you can not assume that the youth pastor is inocent either. I mean, he's an unmarried youth pastor... what more info do you need to know somethings wrong with the picture? It's wrong to be unmarried?
and a youth pastor.. yes. I don't believe in young married youth pastors, let along young unmarried. Ministry is great for the unmarried.. even youth ministry... just not the youth pastor possition. it is unwise.
Originally Posted by SilverNitrate It's wrong to be unmarried? Originally Posted by Becky and a youth pastor.. yes. Even more ????? It's wrong for a youth pastor the be unmarried? This is stated in the bible.... where?
Originally Posted by Becky I don't believe in young married youth pastors, let along young unmarried. So you don't think we should have young married youth pastors... nor young unmarried youth pastors. So we shouldn't have youth pastors at all? Or we're supposed to have really old youth pastors? I'm totally confused.
Originally Posted by Becky Ministry is great for the unmarried.. even youth ministry... just not the youth pastor possition. it is unwise. So if it was God's will for me to be a youth pastor... and it was also God's will for me to remain single for the rest of my life... it would be unwise? If it's God's will that I remain single, and be a youth pastor, I would trust that it was wise, and trust that God would protect me.
Originally Posted by SilverNitrate So if it was God's will for me to be a youth pastor... and it was also God's will for me to remain single for the rest of my life... it would be unwise? If it's God's will that I remain single, and be a youth pastor, I would trust that it was wise, and trust that God would protect me. This argument is rather silly. If it was wrong or unwise to be an unmarried youth pastor, God would not want you to be one. In other words, if Becky is right, then the situation you describe could not happen. It would not be God's will for you to be wrong or foolish (opposites of right and wise... whichever Becky is saying applies to unmarried youth pastors).
In any event, shouldn't this discussion be a new thread?
Copyright © 2007 - 2008 www.thanktoday.com