Question:
Hi everyone, I have to admit that when it comes to datting relationships, I'm pretty baised in the fact that I don't think a huge age difference (i.e five yeras apart) is appropriate if both people are not yet 18 at the least.
I am happily engaged, and the situation does not effect me (I'm 21, my fiance is 20) however one of my good friends who is 16 (her and I sometimes do bible studies and things of that nature at camp, my fiance helps too) is now datting a 21 year old male who is in university. Both of them are Christains and have strong faith, however I feel that this is not an appropriate situation at her age.
The advice I am looking for is not so much for her as it is for me, I need to know how to cool my biases out because I am confident that if anyone could pull this kind of relationship off it would be her. I still worry about her, but I know that I perosnally need to not judge them or other people in relationships with age differences. Is there anything I could do or say to support her? How do I tell her about how I feel using some tact? Any recomandations to how I can chill out about it?
I am not upset but rather concerned if you catch my drift.
Thanks.
Answer:
Well, to be honest I understand your concern. That'd basically be like one of the girls in the youth group I help lead dating me. If one of the girls in youth group came up to me and told me she was going out with a guy I went to high school with I don't know what I'd do. (I tend to have a somewhat protective-paternal instinct so it wouldn't be pretty in the least).
Unfortunatly, there's not a lot you can do to deter someone from dating someone they like short of hitting them with a freight train. I'd say for now at least be there for her let her know in a non-judgemental manour how you feel about her dating a 21 year old but make sure she knows that you are going to be there for her.
Answer:
my best friend (at least at the time) started dating an older guy when she was 16. Her parents flipped. And you know what it did? made her more insistant that she keep dating him. So they snuck around... and eventually they moved in together... and then last year they got married... without her parents there.
whatever you do, do carefully. It's a delicate situation to try to talk sense into.
Answer:
I like formulas because they're so rarely useful. But this one seems to work:
d = a/2 + 7
Where d = dating age and a = age. For example, someone who is 20 could date someone who is 17. That is the lowest a 20 year old can go. Someone who is 26 can date a 20 year old. I think it's a fairly good standard to go by.
In this situation, I would suggest talking to your friend confidentially to make sure they know what they're doing. Express your concerns and affirm that you'll be there for her whatever happens.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter I like formulas because they're so rarely useful. But this one seems to work:
d = a/2 + 7 Heh, starting at age 14 anyway. That formula would give you 13 for 12.
I'm not entirely sure you need to cool off. It seems perfectly reasonable to be concerned. You acknowledge intellectually that she can make it work, but you're concerned emotionally. This appearance of a contradiction is not necessarily bad. I think the two could actually balance each other quite nicely. The fact that you're concerned emotionally will prevent you from not worrying about the age difference at all. The fact that you concede intellectually that she can make it work will prevent you from being too biased about the age difference.
...and you could tell her just that, that you think/know she can make it work, but you're still concerned.
Answer:
For that particular age group, the difference is somewhat much. It's not as bad as if she were 13 and he were 18, but it's still "iffy". The simple fact is that he is an adult and she is not....no matter how mature she may act.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter I like formulas because they're so rarely useful. But this one seems to work:
d = a/2 + 7
Where d = dating age and a = age. For example, someone who is 20 could date someone who is 17. That is the lowest a 20 year old can go. Someone who is 26 can date a 20 year old. I think it's a fairly good standard to go by.
Where did that formula originate, anyway? you hear it all the time... but it seems kinda random. Why not "half your age plus 8?"
Anyway, I'm 26 and single. I spend a lot of time with folks from college-age all the way up to 28 or so. That formula would put my minimum at 20... which would be a college junior or even sophomore... which is awfully young. My personal rule of thumb right now is junior in college as an absolute minimum. I'm going to consider anyone with a degree as a candidate until I'm 30.
I hung out a few times with a girl who was a junior... things seemed to be going well, but I think that the age thing kinda flipped her out - 26 and 21 can be a big difference, really. I guess it just depends on the people (mostly the younger person), so half your age plus seven is certainly not infallible - nor is it socially acceptable in many cases (I think that a lot of people found it a bit strange that I was starting to see a 21-year-old).
Or you could always check out the log-base-.5 method at http://age.flywheel.org/. It can give fairly extreme results, so you may want to check the log-base-.25 method.
Answer:
Originally Posted by brown07 Or you could always check out the log-base-.5 method at http://age.flywheel.org/. It can give fairly extreme results, so you may want to check the log-base-.25 method. Yes, I'd say so. I don't think it'd be appropriate for me, being 19, to date a 13 year old.
Answer:
it's very awkward for anyone in college to date someone who isn't even old-enough to be, there are just so many changes related to growing up, becoming an adult, moving out, etc. Maybe if they were both adults - like a 25 year old and a 30 year old, because they would be on the same "playing field"
It's not that it's "too many years" but it's too many "important" years.
Answer:
Last response before today was in January. Let us consult the book of Bill on this matter.
"The dead thread shalt not be raised." 1 Bill 7:22
Amen
Clopsed.