Question:
I can't recall if I've posted about this before, but this is an issue where I know I could use prayer as well as some good advice.
Some background information: The grandparents referred to here are my Dad's parents.
My Grandmother is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's. She doesn't know anyone, can barely talk (she can say a few simple phrases), she is incontenant and cannot feed herself (she has to be spoonfed and it must be blended--ie, she can't really chew much).
Grandpa is very much in denial about everything. It's only in the last few years that he admitted to her having Alzheimer's. Before that it was "oh, Betty's just a bit fogetful". He has no caregiving experience (or didn't, anyway), but he insists on caring for her at home. Which seems really sweet, except that the care she gets is decidedly substandard. Every time I go down there I help give her a shower and she always has new bruises from falling and stuff like that. If anyone cares about the full details of why we believe that the care is apalling, PM me because I'd rather not discuss all of it right now.
There was a big kerfluffle around Thanksgiving with Grandpa announcing before all my mom's family that sometimes when Grandma starts moaning he'd duct tape a cloth over her mouth. This resulted in a flurry of e-mails with various care groups etc etc, to try and get others to see that he needs to get help. Of course, like every other time, nothing came of it. We had social workers involved and such, but they can't, for some reason, do a random inspection, they called him and told him they were coming, and thus he had time to get the house and Grandma all cleaned up. Another time, he pulled rank on the doctor (at a military hospital--grandpa's a colonel), and because of his (grandpa's) connections, threatened to get the doctor in trouble if the doctor stood in his way. So basically, outside of legally overruling Grandpa, we have no options.
I've been gone most of these last two years at school so a lot of this information was secondhand passed to me. However, I've observed conditions at their house more than anyone else, because as i'm the favorite granddaughter of my grandpa, I go down there often.
Getting to the current stuff...
Grandpa has had to have a lot of medical work done for various things recently, and it's plunged him into a rather deep depression. Also adding to the depression is that my mom and many other relatives, fed up with his refusal to get care for Grandma, are now finding it difficult to spend time with him (not that it was ever easy...believe me he's a trying person to spend time around!), so he's more lonely than before. According to my parents and my aunt/uncle he's made numerous suicide threats, and he's taken increasingly to saying things like "Now I want you all to come down for my 85th birthday, to have one last birthday celebration" and things of that nature ("No need to have these shoulders operated on, I'm not going to be around for that much longer anyway"). He has an extensive gun collection and I wouldn't put a combined murder/suicide past him in his current mental state.
This all i could use prayer about. What I need advice about is...
I've recently thought about calling up his primary care physician and discussing my concerns about Grandpa's depression with him--not going into anything about my grandmother, but just my concern about him. I'm worried about his mental state, I'm worried about all this talk about how he's going to die soon even though he's pretty darn healthy for 85. Grandpa will deny it if the doctor brings it up (it's a control thing), but I think that I would just feel terrible if he were to do something drastic and I felt that I had an inkling of what was going to happen but didn't do anything.
I've pledged that I cannot get involved--this is for his kids to sort out, not for me, and I can lend my support (last semester I did a bunch of research on appropriate care for alzheimer's--sharing what my grandpa was doing with alzheimer's groups and asking if it was appropriate), but it is not my place to confront my grandfather. But nor can I sit there and watch him destroy his life because of an illusion of a life he had. He's done a tremendous amount for me...he basically bought my pedal harp and is paying for a large chunk of my college education. As I said earlier I am his favorite granddaughter. I don't want to lose the closeness with him, but he's already destroyed so much of his life that I don't want to see it go any further.
Any advice on this situation would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Noelle
Answer:
i know you don't ant to get invloved, but maybe you can talk to his doctor and tell him whats going on. i'm sure they would keep it confidential. he needs to take care of himself and his wife..i'll pray..that can do more than my advice.
Answer:
Colonel or not, he doesn't have that kind of power, unless his friends higher up in the active .mil are shady. I'm assuming he is retired, given his age.
Your parents (whom i'm guessing would have to deal with this) would probably be able to conference with this doctor that he threatened, and the base commander (someone >colonel rank) and deal with this. The one thing I know for a fact is that the military frowns VERY MUCH on people neglecting their familial duties, whether it is intentional or accidental/involuntary.
It sounds like he is having trouble admitting that he cannot care for his wife anymore, and doesn't want to be seen as weak. He needs to admit that she needs care that he cannot provide, and it's not any poor reflection on himself. There is nothing wrong with that, but a lot of times we (as males) have it drilled into our heads that weakness is evil, and the only time to give up is when we're dead.
[shrug]
Answer:
Well, since you don't want to get involved, have you suggested to his children that they speak to his primary care physician?
Answer:
I really don't know what to say about the situation other than what the above poster has implied. I'm going to pray as well.