Question:
I have a friend who used to be one of the closest friends I had.
we were even accoutability partners for a period of time - but we stopped b/c I was pulling all the weight and I grew tired.
We were really close, but she fell in love, so none of my other friends or I have really seen her all summer.
I mean, it's great that she's in love all, but we would like to her to be our friend too. I don't know what to do - it's another catch 22 situation. If they break up, she's gonna come back to us again, and even though we're hurt we're gonna be good friends and help her out of course. but we just feel left behind.
The only times she hung out with me this summer at all was when her boyfriend was working, so I was his "replacement" so to speak... She didn't say this upfront, which bothered me even more.
I don't think there is anything I can do - but it just bothers me so much that when she was single, she latched onto us, and now she's not single, she doesn't need us anymore.
I know it's possible to have a boyfriend and friends. C'mon, this isn't high school.
So any general advice/thoughts? my current course of action is: doing nothing about it...though a part of me wants to talk to her and give her a little wake up call that her friends are still alive.
Answer:
I know how you feel. I had a friend do this to me. And then when she married him, I wasn't even invited to the wedding. That hurt.
Friendships often change when one gets a boyfriend. But I don't believe it's healthy to act the way your friend is. It is neither healthy for your friends relationship with her boyfriend, nor your own relationship with her. But there's not a whole heap you can do about it.
I know it sounds a bit touchy feely, but tell her how you feel. I didn't do tell my friend and I regret it. I should have spoken up.
Answer:
Nomes, that's rough - she didn't even *invite* you to her wedding?? I'm sorry to hear that.
I know friendships change when one has a b/f - but I know it is poss. to maintain a healthy balance. Most of my friends have b/fs and they do a decent job at it - they didn't leave their friends behind b/c of the boyfriend.
I am tempted to speak up, but I don't know if I can. It is in my nature to do so, but catch 22 presents its options: speak up, potentially loose a friend in a ugly way - keep silent, loose a friend in a silent unspoken way.
Answer:
Originally Posted by 1twelve2 Nomes, that's rough - she didn't even *invite* you to her wedding?? I'm sorry to hear that.
I know friendships change when one has a b/f - but I know it is poss. to maintain a healthy balance. Most of my friends have b/fs and they do a decent job at it - they didn't leave their friends behind b/c of the boyfriend.
I am tempted to speak up, but I don't know if I can. It is in my nature to do so, but catch 22 presents its options: speak up, potentially loose a friend in a ugly way - keep silent, loose a friend in a silent unspoken way.
If you speak up, and you lose your friend, what kind of friend was she to begin with? An understanding friend will see how you feel and attempt to rectify the relationship. A friend not worth having will react badly and you'll be better off without her anyway.
Answer:
Originally Posted by exo If you speak up, and you lose your friend, what kind of friend was she to begin with? An understanding friend will see how you feel and attempt to rectify the relationship. A friend not worth having will react badly and you'll be better off without her anyway.
that's true - good point. thanks. we're all leaving for school in a few weeks - is it worth it? (to talk to her now)
what would I say?
Answer:
It sounds like she isn't even there--she gets her identity from whoever she is around, only sees other acquaintances when the boyfriend is out of the picture. Lets other people do the work in the relationship. She must have a very low opinion of herself, and this isn't healthy.
But who knows whether she's got it in her to change. I agree with Exo, if she dumps you as a friend just because you don't like being treated like leftovers, she isn't a friend.
I had a friend I started avoiding and let slip away. She cjhanged from the person I knew. I knew she would never change back, and I just let her go. I guess I spared myself a scene, and I doubt I would feel better if I'd said what was on my mind. I was trying to find a way to be healthier emotionally, had a lot of problems, and she kept assuring me to do things that were obviously against scripture, and even against common sense.
Answer:
Oh this all sounds sooo familiar. There was a girl that was one of my best friends, then she got a boyfriend very quickly and got engaged. Suddenly, she would not even hang out with us b/c she did not want to miss his calls. We were supposed to be in the wedding, then none of us were even invited. I have not seen her or heard from her in a little over a year. It hurt, but I don't think there was anything else we could have done.
But another good friend of mine is engaged right now. She and I used to be prayer partners. Now she lives with her boyfriend (also a very good friend of mine) and his family, and we don't see her very much anymore. But what we CAN do and what you can probably do it talk to her about it. And she might not listen, so wait a while and do it again. She needs to know how you feel, otherwise, she might not ever realize how she hurt you. If she doesn't do anything or doesn't really care, then I am sorry. It happens and it never feels good.
Answer:
thanks guys for openly sharing - I think the general consensus is that i should talk to her. I kinda intiated a convo. through a semi-comical email, "Hey - are you still there/alive???"
so hopefully she'll call me or something soon.
Answer:
I know how that situation goes. Had it happen more than once. Hope things turn out for the best!
Answer:
I haven't talked to her really, though she did email back. I'm scared honestly...
esp. since today, they're engaged now.
she's acting foolish in my opinion, b/c she is considering dropping out of school to get married as soon as poss. (next summer). I was hoping they would opt for the extended engagement, so that they will get to know each other better, past the "i'm in love with you (and therefore everything's perfect)" stage.
Oh well... I wish her the best and I'm praying for her. I'm debating whether or not to talk to her and basically make a new enemy but catch-22 bites the dust again...