Question:
I have been dating a girl for around a month. We are still pretty young, but she seems to be taking the relationship pretty seriously. Far more seriously than me anyway. I don't know if its fair to her. Furthermore, being in a relationship has been bad for me in many ways, e.g. it has hurt me spiritually and I am flat out not ready for a commitment. Knowing that things would go this way, I would probably say that in hindsight, I shouldn't have gotten involved with her. But now that we are together, I don't really want to break up. It would hurt her, and I care about her so much I can't bring myself to do something that would hurt her like that. And I do like her, though my feelings aren't quite as strong as hers. I have a lot of trouble with commitment, and she can see that I'm not committing to this the way she is. Basically, I don't want to be in a relationship right now, but now that I already am, what do I do?
Answer:
I think that because you say you are struggling spiritually, you should break it off. What's more important, that you are struggling with a girlfriend or that you are happy with God? (Sorry I'm a little ineloquent right now).
Yes, it's likely she's going to be hurt. Yes, it's likely things may never be the same between you two again. But it's better in the long run. If she's Christian (I'm assuming so) and you tell her that this relationship is taking away from your relationship with God she should understand.
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I think that chris is right on this man. he is always soo helpful.

laterz.
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Originally Posted by MysteryMaskdMan I have been dating a girl for around a month. We are still pretty young, but she seems to be taking the relationship pretty seriously. Far more seriously than me anyway. I don't know if its fair to her. Furthermore, being in a relationship has been bad for me in many ways, e.g. it has hurt me spiritually and I am flat out not ready for a commitment. Knowing that things would go this way, I would probably say that in hindsight, I shouldn't have gotten involved with her. But now that we are together, I don't really want to break up. It would hurt her, and I care about her so much I can't bring myself to do something that would hurt her like that. And I do like her, though my feelings aren't quite as strong as hers. I have a lot of trouble with commitment, and she can see that I'm not committing to this the way she is. Basically, I don't want to be in a relationship right now, but now that I already am, what do I do?
first of all, I think you should either get serious or break it off now. Here are the two sides.
One, for you getting serious... why are you not taking the relationship seriously? Will this not be an issue in every relationship you have with girls, including marriage? I am just saying that if the primary reason is just your charachter flaw, (and being unwilling to commit is a charachter flaw related to lack of trust) than that is NOT a reason to break up. That is a reason to change the flaw.
If you are not going to get serious, or there are underlying issues here that are going unmentioned, and you are going to break up. Do it as soon as possible. There is no need to string her along and give her false hope.
Are you positive the relationship has hurt you spiritually, or you don't want to commit and are pawning it off on that as an excuse. Not trying to be a pain, but a lot of guys try to blame their unwillingness to change on spiritual factors to justify their actions.
I see you have pretty much decided to break up by the way you posted, but I am really wondering whether that is wise, or whether a change in your view of relationships and their commitment level is in order.
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Hey MMM! I have to agree with the others on this. Though I have no idea exactly how young you are, and whether you should even be ready to commit to a relationship. What Bill says about your unwillingness to commit may be something you need to look into or otherwise maybe its just that you arent ready to commit to this particular person? Its something that you will need to pray about.
Remember though that your GF is not stupid, and she is already picking up that you aren't as enthusiastic about the relationship, so far, as she is. This may change over time if you are willing. Otherwise, the longer you leave these feelings ignored the longer you are prolonging what is inevitable. If you know that you need to break it off, the sooner you do it the better it will be for both of you. Otherwise, the feelings of love for each other will intensify and you will find it harder to give it up. You will always love this girl but there will always be that inkling in the back of the head saying "Im not ready for this".
My ex-gf said this at the start of our relationship, and it took her two years til she finally acted upon it. I assumed she was just a little confused, but it always was there in the back of her mind. Even though we had a great time together, and I still love her, it was heartbreaking to go through it after all we had been through. It would have been easier, and less messy had we acted upon her feelings straight away rather than to wait it out for so long.
Its your choice in the actions and decisions you make man, but think of her as you make this. The way I see it you have some options:
1. look into why you have this commitment-phobia
2. breakup now and save a good friendship, and possibly later on when you are ready, look for something more.
3. continue going out with her and possibly it may work. Though if you are still not ready for a commitment, you are setting yourself (and her) up for alot more pain and grief later on in the relationship. Breaking up will only get harder and you may possibly lose a potential good friend through it if it gets messy.
Peace out brothers! All this talking about relationships is not bringing me peace at the moment. Time to hit the gym!
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As an after thought: if you continue to go out with her, it is possible that there will always be an imbalance in the relationship, IF you dont commit to it! As she is the one wanting more from the relationship, she will be proactive, instigative and be the relationship-builder who will most of the time compensate for your lack of enthusiasm within the relationship. She will be putting alot more effort into making it work, and will put alot more of her heart into it too. This imbalance over time is very destructive for both of you. You will push her further away, and she will push harder to make it work (its very subtle though). Your gf's efforts will not be reciprocated and her love will only feel rejected. It can cause fear to underlie her relationship with you and it will possibly affect her self esteem and cause more problems.
This is only a possibility, and its probably not helping you with advice. Its just something to consider. Cheers.
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Thanks for your responses. Let me address a few issues.
I'm not taking the relationship seriously for a couple reasons that I can see. For one, I'm flat out not ready to get married. I'm 20, she's 21. She's graduating soon, and seems to be pretty ready and excited about marriage, and is hoping that this relationship will be that for her I think. I'm not even sure whether or not she is someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I'm not saying that she definitely isn't, but I am saying I don't know and that there are some things in the way we get along that make me hesitant, e.g. I think we spend too much time frustrated with eachother, and proportionately not enough time making eachother happy.
I know that she really likes me. I like her too, but I know that my feelings for her are not as strong as hers are for me. I care about her a lot and know that she deserves someone who is absolutely crazy about her. I don't want this relationship to get too serious right now, because I'm afraid that I would end up hurting her. I feel like that would be leading her on more than just being honest with where I'm at and how I feel.
Then there is the issue of commitment. Its not that I don't trust her. If its a matter of trust, if anything its just that I don't trust myself and am afraid of hurting her. Past experience tells me that unfortunately I have a propensity towards hurting girls. But when it comes right down to it, I don't want that kind of commitment right now. I would rather be free to pursue good friendships with many girls than spend all my time trying to make a relationship work with just one. I would rather be free to spend more time with my friends. I would rather be able to make decisions about my future without having to think how they would affect my relationship with another person. At this time in my life, commitment is the last thing I need.
Is this relationship hurting me spiritually? Perhaps it is unfair of me to blame it all on the relationship, but I do know that I have been hurting spiritually, and that being in this relationship has not helped one bit. I know that lately I have not been strong enough spiritually to be the leader in a relationship. While me and her differ on what we believe physical boundaries should be, I need to respect hers. This has not been happening. We haven't even done a good job of respecting the boundaries that I wanted to set at the start of this. We've talked about this before and said we would sincerely try harder to show restraint. Didn't work.
But I also know that I like her a lot, really care about her, and would hate to lose her from my life. I would hate to hurt our friendship. I would hate to hurt her. I would hate to hurt all of our friends. Some things tell me that I shouldn't stay together with her, some things tell me that I can't break up with her.
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Originally Posted by MysteryMaskdMan Thanks for your responses. Let me address a few issues.
I'm not taking the relationship seriously for a couple reasons that I can see. For one, I'm flat out not ready to get married. I'm 20, she's 21. She's graduating soon, and seems to be pretty ready and excited about marriage, and is hoping that this relationship will be that for her I think. I'm not even sure whether or not she is someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I'm not saying that she definitely isn't, but I am saying I don't know and that there are some things in the way we get along that make me hesitant, e.g. I think we spend too much time frustrated with eachother, and proportionately not enough time making eachother happy.
I know that she really likes me. I like her too, but I know that my feelings for her are not as strong as hers are for me. I care about her a lot and know that she deserves someone who is absolutely crazy about her. I don't want this relationship to get too serious right now, because I'm afraid that I would end up hurting her. I feel like that would be leading her on more than just being honest with where I'm at and how I feel.
I think that there a few problems from what I can see here. Firstly, you said that you are not ready to get married. Ideally, the point of relationships is to progressively move towards marriage. Albeit, progressively over at least a year or more. You have been dating her for a month? Though it is too early in the relationship for you and her to be thinking of marriage, what other reason are you going out with her for? Also, at this time the two of you havent really discovered enough about the other person to make an informed decision on marriage. You may know all the good qualities but none of her bad, and vice versa. More time is important, as you are both still in that phase of only noticing the good qualities and are on your best behaviour to hide your bad qualities. Both your judgements are clouded still to be thinking of marriage yet.
Secondly, it sounds as though your gf is coming into this relationship too strong and is probably driving you away emotionally. She maybe an 'obsessive lover'. In a healthy relationship you may hope you have found the person who will be the fulfillment of your hopes and dreams. But usually this hope is balanced with the realistic knowledge that it may not work out. This safety net is called reality. An obesesive lover works without a net and when this person finds a new partner, he or she cries out, "Yes! This is my magic person who can meet all my needs and give me happiness" This fantastical expectation of love has very little to do with who the person really is. The focus is on what he or she needs and how the other person can meet those needs. Its only natural that you have these doubts about the relationship, and it should be so, right up until you hitch the knot. It sounds as though she has come on too strong and that has made you question the relationship.
Originally Posted by MysteryMaskdMan Then there is the issue of commitment. Its not that I don't trust her. If its a matter of trust, if anything its just that I don't trust myself and am afraid of hurting her. Past experience tells me that unfortunately I have a propensity towards hurting girls. But when it comes right down to it, I don't want that kind of commitment right now. I would rather be free to pursue good friendships with many girls than spend all my time trying to make a relationship work with just one. I would rather be free to spend more time with my friends. I would rather be able to make decisions about my future without having to think how they would affect my relationship with another person. At this time in my life, commitment is the last thing I need.
This is an exerpt from a book: A "commitmentphobic" is a person who has a strong, insatiable desire for affirmation from the opposite sex as well as a resistance to commitment. They dont want to be alone, but they dont want to be too close either. When they do get too close, they retreat. [Which is what you are doing.] Their double message is, "Come closer. Dont get too close. Come here. Go away." They're unhappy by themselves and unhappy to be tied down.
How do you detect commitmentphobics? If he has a history of short-term relationships. If she cancel dates with you or change arrangements frequently? etc. [end excerpt]
The fact is, you have had this problem before, and you always will until you confront it. There may be a reason why you have this fear of commitment. Commitment doesnt mean the end of friendships outside of the relationship, you arent confined and controlled by it either. This single relationship cannot meet all of your needs, and so friends should continue to meet your recreational, social and intellectual needs as well. Male and female friendships. If you are feeling like you aren't getting out enough with your friends, discuss this with her. If she trusts you she will let you pursue friendships, even with the opposite sex.

Originally Posted by MysteryMaskdMan Is this relationship hurting me spiritually? Perhaps it is unfair of me to blame it all on the relationship, but I do know that I have been hurting spiritually, and that being in this relationship has not helped one bit. I know that lately I have not been strong enough spiritually to be the leader in a relationship. While me and her differ on what we believe physical boundaries should be, I need to respect hers. This has not been happening. We haven't even done a good job of respecting the boundaries that I wanted to set at the start of this. We've talked about this before and said we would sincerely try harder to show restraint. Didn't work.
I had this same problem. Both my ex and I struggled with boundaries. We both believed in no other physical contact other than kissing, but it got hard. Especially when the situation for more things to happen arrived, cuz I was not good when it came to being caught up in the moment. I found that it helped by putting boundaries on situations rather than focusing on the problem itself. Say for instance, there was to be not more than one person on the bed at any given time. This included when we watched movies etc. Kissing was to be done in an upright position, and not on the couch etc. Unfortunately, for us we did too much things before we learned how to control ourselves and we are paying for it.
That kind of intimacy should only be done with God's blessing in the sanctity of marriage. Its not a sin in marriage. But it is outside of marriage. It drives the wedge between the two people as they both feel violated, blaming each other for things happening. Even though it may feel good at the time, the couple will resent that they broke their boundaries and have fallen away from God. I found it very hard to maintain a healthy relationship with God, cuz of what I had done. Sin loves to lie in the darkness, hiding from the light and what is right and good. The good thing is that you feel bad about what you have done, and can repent from it. Seek some outside help (pastor/counsellor) now while it is not too big a problem for you, and seek God's forgiveness and strength. Having someone else to be accountable to also helps. Meeting regularly to say 'yep I was able to hold my boundaries this week and I am feeling Gods blessings come upon me as I get closer to him' or 'I kinda stuffed it this week, and I need help with...' .
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7.
Finally, remember that the relationship is not meant to be a burden, but something that rejuvinates your mind and spirit. Dont rely on your gf for spiritual growth, but you should both be encouraging each other to seek God first. Then, God will bless your lives together. Dont focus on each other and on the relationship, it can become frustrating as you realise that its not perfect. They never will be unless you focus on God first!
Later dude, gotta mow the lawn.
God Bless.
Cheers.
JWillett.
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Thanks. But what do I actually do about the relationship? I think it is clear that part of the reason the relationshp is struggling is due to my own problems with commitment, which possibly could change. But there are other problems in the relationship itself. And then there is the fact that there are so many things in life I'm dealing with right now, I don't need to worry about a relationship on top of it. Clearly if we stay together, I'm going to have to make some changes both in my commitment level and the way we treat eachother. But I don't know if we should stay together right now or not.
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I'm gonna have to echo myself on this. You need to step back and take some time for yourself to "get right with God". Plus, you say you have so much going on in life right now as it is, it's not fair to either of you to be in a relationship that isn't fully commited. When you have a lot in front of you and they're conflicting something's gotta give. Unfortunatly it sounds as though it was your relationship with God that went. And you need that back before you can hope to "fix" anything else.
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Mystery man. (I am almost certain I know who you are by style...) I would suggest that before you break up, or make a decision in that way, you work out your issues with commitment and boundaries. Those are universals, they will follow you into any relationship, and have the capacity to kill any relationship.
Your walk with God needs work you say, but honestly, that is a precondition to getting the boundaries resolved in a lot of ways. Been there, done that, struggled with the boundaries, and felt the dearth of a relationship with God.
However, I would strongly encourage you to work out those issues with her, before you decide on breaking up. They might lend a lot of clarity to the situation.
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And you are probably right about who I am. I have no doubt that any clever person who's been here for a couple years could figure that out if they wanted to. But even if you know my username, you don't know who I am anymore. Thats the problem here. I am not the same guy I used to be. Or even scarier, I feel like I'm becoming more and more like the guy I was many years ago, which is a place I absolutely cannot let myself get to ever again. I don't like who I am anymore. But for the last several months, maybe even longer, I've been hurting, and its changed me. I managed to keep my fear of commitment and apparently my writing style, but other than that, I am not at all the man I once was.
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Well both guys have good points here, but its your choice in the end. There are benefits for you in doing either. The question is, will breaking up add to these problems in the short term, with extra stress and anxiety? Or will it help you by relieving some of the stress? You will be leaving some things that you will have to face again when you next go out with someone, but then maybe it will allow you to face other things and get over them first.
Also, will there be someone else close to you to help carry your burden? Or will this breakup leave a hole in your life and little other support? If its a tough time, you really need all the support you can get - gf included. Does she understand the full scope of these problems you are having? Is she supportive? This is a good chance to sit down and discuss everything, not just your relationship with her. Talking to her about your problems, and letting her know the reality of a possible breakup to relieve things might help her to realise and maybe she would understand your decisions, and support you in the steps you take.
I am inclined to agree with Bill in saying that this could be an opportunity for you to face some of what you are dealing with. By sticking with this relationship and seeking outside help, you may grow from the experience even though it might be painful. God has put you into this situation not to hurt you, but to make you grow. The question is are you able to?
I can give you steps to take if you like, but you already know by the sounds of it. things will need to change in the relationship though as you cannot continue on the present track with her. It will lead to too much grief. Just remember that through God all things are possible and that you should seek him first in everything you do. Relationships, friendships, struggles, failures, successes etc etc. EVERYTHING.
God will continue to change each of us into something closer to what he intended us to be. Just like Jesus. There are parts of all our lives that arent pleasing to God, sins that we have committed and sins that have been committed against us or others (abuse etc). We let these sins shape us into who we are today. But God doesn't want us to stay like that. He wants us to grow! Grow closer to him.
Thats why it hurts when we are faced with these problems. Like a vine, we are pruned and trimmed of all the dead wood in order that we will grow and bear fruit. You will be a better man if you allow God to control your life, and the pain will be numbed if you keep your eyes on him.
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I just got out of relationship that lasted for 3 and a half years. I never doubted the relationship, I knew we made a few mistakes, but I had grown to love her more and more every day. Then, right as I was putting money aside for a ring, she changed her mind about what she wants in life.
The last few months have been the hardest time of my life, but I have grown spiritually, and I'm just now beginning to learn where God will have me next. I still miss her, I still wish I was with her, but His grace is still sufficient.
Wanna know the whole story? http://andysighs.blogspot.com
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old thread. please do not resurrect the dead.