Question:
i am of course refering to male and female cohabitation as boyfriend and girlfriend. is all cohabititation sinful, what are the biblical guidelines and circumstances?
I have been living with my girlfriend for about 2 years now and we are both saved and attend a church, we have been feeling pressure from the church and from our pastor and singles group to get married due to our cohabitation. I really want to get married and she really does too, and we are not affraid of the commitment because we really love each other and actually welcome that part of our lives together. But things that hold us back are like financial situations, both of our parents have had well for lack of a better term lousy weddings. and i of course want to get her an amazing engagement ring. but i do not know if i am just making excuses because i have deeper issues with marriage that i am blind to see. we have fallen to sin in the past but have made a abstinence vow to each other and have other people holding us accountable to it. i am starting to have feelings of anxiety and guilt due to what our church tells us and things we here about marriage after cohabitation. what should we do?
help please,
thanks.
Answer:
i don't have a problem with living in the same house perse, but the bible does say that sexual immorality is a sin. Fornication being sex without marraige falls into that category, i'm not sure if that's what you're asking.
I have known some people who were room-mates before they got married (like an aunt and uncle of mine) but it makes the temptation to stroll over to their room very strong. Plus, without a third wheel in the apt. it makes you look like you're doing something you're not (even if you aren't).
If you have been living with, and sleeping with your girlfriend for two years, and would marry her except for:
1) can't afford fancy ring
2) can't afford fancy wedding
Then i see it as two options:
1) continue to live a sinful lifestyle without real commitment until things go south and one of you bails, hurting both parties.
2) go buy an expensive ring (you can always upgrade later) for like $100-$200 or whatever you can afford. The thought is the important part. Then figure out a way with your families help that you can rent a place (or do it at someone's home) and set up a very simple wedding, and have extremely basic refreshments (sparkling cider and cake?).
It wouldn't be the fairytale wedding, but if you have put the cart before the horse, it's kind of too late. If you want the disney wedding, you need to have it before jumping ahead to the "living as married people" stage.
If i read that wrong, feel free to correct me.
I'll be praying for you brother.
Answer:
1Th 5:22 "Abstain from all appearance of evil."
1Co 7:2 - Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
John 4:15-17 "The woman said to Him, "Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw." 16 Jesus said to her, "Go, call your husband, and come here." 17 The woman answered and said, "I have no husband." Jesus said to her, "You have well said, 'I have no husband,' 18 for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; in that you spoke truly."
I bielive the first verse is enough, abstain from all -appearance- of evil. A couple living together unmarried gives the apperance of evil. The first thing you should do is see what the Bible has to say about the matter for yourself. These are just the first verses that came to my mind.
I really want to get married and she really does too, and we are not affraid of the commitment because we really love each other and actually welcome that part of our lives together. But things that hold us back are like financial situations, both of our parents have had well for lack of a better term lousy weddings. and i of course want to get her an amazing engagement ring. but i do not know if i am just making excuses because i have deeper issues with marriage that i am blind to see.
If finances are holding you back from getting married (and it seems you handel every day living exspences allright) because you can't have "an ideal wedding" that seems a pretty silly reason in my mind. You'd rather go on living as you are until you can have an exspensive wedding? You'd hold off marrige longer just for a fancy ring and all the trimmings? Maybe I'm just too practical (I'd rather not have any ring and have my future husband use the money he would spend on the ring to go twords buying a house, or going somewhere nice on our honeymoon) But if the ring is all that important, why not look at pawn shops, or somewhere were you could buy a ring for a lot less money? If you know someone who sews, why not have her make the perfect tailored dress? you can make a dress a lot cheaper then buying one! There are plenty of ways it seems to have a nice wedding without spending the money. Set aside a budget and decide where you want the majority of your money to go. What it all comes down to though really, is that you need to decide what the right thing to do is, prioritize, and then do what is right, for yourself and your girlfriend.
we have fallen to sin in the past but have made a abstinence vow to each other and have other people holding us accountable to it.
I'm glad to hear you are abstaining, but a great quote I heard said this: "Intimacy changes everything." It seems impossible to be down the hall from someone you plan on marring, someone you've been intimate with already, and not fall into temptation already.
1Co 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."
Read the bible for yourself and I hope you do the right thing
Answer:
cohabitating in abstinence would not be a sin. However, that would be about the least likely way to keep a vow of abstinence possible. Also it will trash your reputation because people will assume you are sleeping together, and given the past you mention. It is a logical conclusion.
An amazing engagement ring you say? well lets see, I have two words for you. PAWN SHOP. If you have decent ones around you you can find a lot of great rings cheap. I spent 340 on a ring that retailed for $1600 in current condition.
Also, Id reccomend that you get married as soon as is possible. Now that may mean downplaying your wedding dreams, but frankly, getting married is more important than having a fancy wedding. It sounds like you don't have a lot of cash. As such you should live within your means and for moral reasons I would encourage you to get married asap.
Answer:
Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq cohabitating in abstinence would not be a sin. However, that would be about the least likely way to keep a vow of abstinence possible. Also it will trash your reputation because people will assume you are sleeping together, and given the past you mention. It is a logical conclusion.

An amazing engagement ring you say? well lets see, I have two words for you. PAWN SHOP. If you have decent ones around you you can find a lot of great rings cheap. I spent 340 on a ring that retailed for $1600 in current condition.

Also, Id reccomend that you get married as soon as is possible. Now that may mean downplaying your wedding dreams, but frankly, getting married is more important than having a fancy wedding. It sounds like you don't have a lot of cash. As such you should live within your means and for moral reasons I would encourage you to get married asap.
I have to agree completely with Bill. You have a more likely chance of falling back into a sexual relationship while living together than you would if you were not. Don't worry about having an amazing wedding, great marriages are not based on how amazing the wedding was. You can always renew your vows later and have a nice wedding when it's possible, but for now you need to focus on the health of your relationship with each other and the Lord. You will not continue to grow closer to the Lord if you continued to live in sin. Statistics show couples who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples who did not. If you continue to live this way you are only increasing your chance that when you do get around to marriage you may struggle. I also would encourage you to get married right away.
Answer:
I am going with everyone else who has said that you should get married very soon.
one of my friends lived with her husband for a long time before they got married. she struggled with deep feelings of guilt, because (she became christian after they were living together, and circumstances were such that she really couldn't move out) she would abstain from having a sexual relationship for a while, but inevitably she would fall back and sleep with him, and she hated herself for it.
when they finally set a date, her husband bought her a beautiful (and inexpensive) engagement/wedding ring set, and they had their ceremony in a tent behind her church. afterwards, the reception was held in their home.
don't hold out on marriage because you can't afford to go all-out with the wedding. simplicity can be more beautiful than the most elaborate things. the thing that makes a wedding so memorable is the love between the bride and groom and their loved ones.
Answer:
I'd suggest getting married ASAP or doing what it takes to move out. being in the same house/apartment all the time together is the EASIEST way to fall into sexual sin. Plus with already having fallen into sin it makes it even easier to get back into sin. If you don't have the means of getting married (not enough money etc.)
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
While the other references given were great, I always come back to this one. Flee from sexual immorality. FLEE. Don't fight it, don't poke it with a stick, don't stand around and hope it doesn't get you. FLEE. Get out of there. You're playing with fire. Sooner or later you'll get burned.
Answer:
I think as far as the heavy advice, I just second what Bill, Delaina and Chris have said...
I just wanted to throw in here: the ring isn't a huge deal. I currently sport a 2 tone gold band on my lt ring finger. it's pretty and it cost less than $100.
Answer:
I appreciate all the advice you all have given me. This has been a trying time for my girlfriend and I. I guess it seems shallow to want to have a wonderful wedding but it's so discouraging to feel like we have started so badly already with already having had sex and then moving in together and I feel like we can't afford a nice wedding as if it were a punishment for the mistakes that we have made. would it be better for us to re-evaluate our whole relationship??
thank you again
Answer:
Cohabitation in and of itself is not immoral in any way. The act of living in the same house or apartment as your girlfriend or fiancee, that is. The subsequent acts that may follow are individually immoral, thus making cohabitation a further temptation to immorality.
Kate brought up a good point with the verse from 1st Thessalonians. But there are a lot of questions about us catering to people's tastes and caring about how we appear that can't really be answered, so I won't even start on it.
Originally Posted by need_help0113 I guess it seems shallow to want to have a wonderful wedding Not in the least. I, for one, want to be able to blow millions on my wedding if my fiancee wishes it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to give the woman you love a wedding to remember. However, it's not so much the money you spend as it is the quality of the people, the feeling of the setting and the sincerity of the emotion behind matrimony. A pretty church and a big cake won't make up for things if morons come to the wedding, the vows are said through gnashed teeth and everyone looks as angry as a constipated bobcat.
but it's so discouraging to feel like we have started so badly already with already having had sex and then moving in together and I feel like we can't afford a nice wedding as if it were a punishment for the mistakes that we have made. Maybe you're not looking in the right places for a place to get married. Maybe you're not looking in the right places for cakes and dresses. Maybe you're not planning financially as well as you could be.
would it be better for us to re-evaluate our whole relationship?? No. I won't talk about any sex you've had in the past or try to lay a guilt trip on you to get married, but just because the going gets rough doesn't mean you should stop and re-think everything. It's a relationship, my friend, and relationships don't maintain themselves. It's you and your spouse against the world and sometimes against each other in marriage.
Stay on the path you're on. You're doing the right thing. Hard times shared makes the heart grow fonder.