Question:
This last year has been extremely tough. I have learned so much, but I still don't see a way out of the turmoil I am in.
Over the last 7 or 8 months, I have been struggling with life. In this time everyone I know has moved on, gotten married and started careers. I have lost my friends (It seems this happens every couple of years, because I moved around alot as a kid), and even my best friend, which I thought would at least have the patience to stay around for a while, if not for life.
I need to give some background, I graduated from college in December of last year, and decided that I do not want to do what I earned my degree in - Ministry. I also decided to stay in town because of the few friends that were here, including the girl I was dating. I have not found any other oppotunities big enough to leave. I love life here, it is a great town to live in. I have been trying to be more active in the fraternity I was in while in school, and that has helped some.
Over the last 3 months I have made goals for myself, both short-term and long-term. The last few weeks have been really tough, I have not seen any of these goals as clear as I did. I don't know why and I am not going to give up. Financially, and carrer focused goals are a few. I have worked up to 3 jobs in the last 10 months, and the 2 I have now are tough. On one I have worked over 60 hours a week and the pay is not what I expected. A note on this, one guy that I have been working with has moved up and is on a power tirp, and has been blaming me for little crap.
I will mention that I have seen good in this time, mainly in my prayer life and in my relationship with God. I have not experienced his kingdom as much as I have during the time when it seems that I have nothing. (No electricity is an incredible excuse to pray). My realtionship with the Father has been tulmutuous at times over the last 8 months. Looking back I see myself blaming God for not 'coming through'. I have prayed hundreds maybe even thousands of prayer for some things, even things I need, like food for the day, shelter, or relationships and friendships, new as well as ones I want restored. I at times found my self doubting God's goodness. I hate hearing "maybe he is teaching me a lesson." If he is I am sure I have learned it, three months ago he is all I had. After blaming him for things, I also find myself begging for forgiveness from him. I have seen his greatness, but why does it seem to disappear within hours? I have heard a saying, "God Gives Good Gifts Generously To Those Who Love Him." That seems like a load of shi# lately. Jesus said, I am paraphrasing, "who being a Father, would give his son a stone when he asks for bread, and a snake when he asks for a fish?" I am tired of snakes and stones, I want bread, I want fish, I want LIFE!
I used to have a life I enjoyed, and for the last couple of months I have enjoyed it with Christ. I know Jesus walks with me. Why? I hate this life, but I love it. This paradox is so Absurd that I need to lose life, even lose the whole world that I have gained. Is it my sin, is it my other desires? I thought Jesus, you destroyed this on the cross. Why does my cross have to include my life and my all as well? I thought my desires were noble and pure and good, I thought the things I had, the relationships that have gone down the shi##er were good, I still think so. I know one can be restored, I can not do it on my own. I know I failed you Lord, does your blood not have enough bleach for this? Can I not be joyful before my home you prepared for me? Is it prepared now? I am ready, but I feel that you have great things planned for me. Is it a lie, are the comforters decievers? Are my encouragers enemies? Speak to me, someone, God, speak to me! You may not be heard in thunder, may not be heard in earthquakes, Am I too deaf for your bittersweet truthful whispers? Am I too blind to see where you lead me, or am that too selfish for a blessing? What? What God? God, you know what I want, and a few others know, I need help. I thought I put it in your hands. I feel like I am running out of time, and patince. I guess those do not matter to a deity. Patience does, because I would be dead. Death looks attractive, but it is defeated. That is what makes life so ludicrous right now. Fine! I give it to you again. I feel like a fool in the computer lab. Let these tears not be exhausted nor forgotten. Not my will but yours.
Answer:
if theres anything I can help you with, I will, but I am praying for you.
Answer:
Well, here are some of my immediate reactions. I'm in a similar spot, so I may be preaching to myself here, and some of this may be just things I've read into what you wrote based on what I'm experiencing. So please ignore what doesn't apply...

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I just graduated from college this May, and although I haven't had as rough a time as you, it's still been a struggle. At school, there were times when I was in constant prayer, begging God for the strength to just get through each day without giving up entirely. And my faith was strong back then. When I came home, suddenly life is much easier, but maintaining my faith is much harder. My need for God is just as great, but not as immediately evident to me, so it takes more to drive me to my knees. So I'm not surprised that you're struggling more in your faith now than you did when you couldn't pay for shelter or electricity.

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Sometimes we need to shout at God. Crying out to him in anger and confusion, like you're doing here, is very necessary. And I think perhaps you found that just in writing this, you were answered, in some way. If I can shout out to God for help, I at least have hope that he hears. The worst times are the times when I have lost all hunger for Him, and cannot even stir up in myself a desire for the relationship I've lost. (I'm in a time like that right now. I envy your dissatisfaction. I wish I were needy and broken enough to call out to Him as you are.)

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-Samuel Rutherford was a Puritan back in the 1600s who went through deep times of dryness and despair and wrote to others about what he was feeling:
I am like a hungry man that wanteth teeth, or a weak stomach having a sharp appetite that is filled with the very sight of meat, or like one stupefied with cold under water, that would fain come to land, but cannot grip anything casten to him. I can let Christ grip me, but I cannot grip Him... All I dow do is to hold out a lame faith to Christ, like a beggar holding out a stump instead of an arm or leg, and cry, 'Lord Jesus, work a miracle!'
If that strikes a chord with you, you might want to read some of his letters (on ccel.org, or in book form). He's been a huge comfort and encouragement to me in hard times.