Question:
It's a long time since I've started one of these threads. I'ms till not entirely sure it's the best course of action, but I've run out of ideas at the moment. Besides it's 2:30 AM, I'm not known for really clear judgement at this time of day.
Over the years there have been a good chunk of my history posted on CGR. I don't think that most of it is relevant here, however if people think that more information is needed, I will provide the missing pieces.
I grew up in a controlling, abusive Christian home. I moved out of that situation 25 days ago. It's awesomely scary to be on my own.
I've always had serious spells sometimes years of depression. I have been in therapy, Christian counselling, and on medication at various points in my life. I"m currently not in any of that.
I'm finding it to be a daily battle to not seek out someone to abuse me and control me. I'm finding it difficult to face what happened, now that the denial isn't needed to get me through the day. I know I will need to start to deal with some of the trauma. I know I can't go on like this for much longer. I know I'm asking too much of myself. I don't know how to stop doing that. I am checking out a local therapist who can't take me long term, but can see me in the interm until I find someone willing to take me on long term as a client.
I feel like I"m doing everything I know how to do to cope and it's not good enough. Sure I'm alive and surviving. Maybe I expect too much of myself. I just want the nightmare to end. I want to have the energy to do something other than eat, sleep, and get myself to work.
I don't know if anyone has any advice. If you don't that's fine.
Answer:
Originally Posted by passinthru It's a long time since I've started one of these threads. I'ms till not entirely sure it's the best course of action, but I've run out of ideas at the moment. Besides it's 2:30 AM, I'm not known for really clear judgement at this time of day.
Over the years there have been a good chunk of my history posted on CGR. I don't think that most of it is relevant here, however if people think that more information is needed, I will provide the missing pieces.
I grew up in a controlling, abusive Christian home. I moved out of that situation 25 days ago. It's awesomely scary to be on my own.
I've always had serious spells sometimes years of depression. I have been in therapy, Christian counselling, and on medication at various points in my life. I"m currently not in any of that.
I'm finding it to be a daily battle to not seek out someone to abuse me and control me. I'm finding it difficult to face what happened, now that the denial isn't needed to get me through the day. I know I will need to start to deal with some of the trauma. I know I can't go on like this for much longer. I know I'm asking too much of myself. I don't know how to stop doing that. I am checking out a local therapist who can't take me long term, but can see me in the interm until I find someone willing to take me on long term as a client.
I feel like I"m doing everything I know how to do to cope and it's not good enough. Sure I'm alive and surviving. Maybe I expect too much of myself. I just want the nightmare to end. I want to have the energy to do something other than eat, sleep, and get myself to work.
I don't know if anyone has any advice. If you don't that's fine.
First, congratulations on taking this giant step! Katie, transitions are very, very hard. I think finding a therapist even short-term is a good thing. I will be praying for you, that you can find healthy friendships and a closer walk with God. You are a survivor, and this is just one of those scary steps you have to take to get past the events of your childhood.
Answer:
I know transitions are hard. I just have unrealistic expectations of myself for them. I like to think that I can handle anything that gets thrown at me and for many years I've had to. I don't know how to allow myself the space to wrok through a transition this big.
I don't want to start over with a therapist. Do you know how long it takes to train one and break one in to be able to work with me? Even though that's tongue in cheek, it's also quite true.
Too often I let Denial's Rake scrap over my heart as I grapple with, did it really happen? Was it abuse? Was it even wrong, or just what I deserved?
I really really appreciate the prayers MtlMom. It all looks overwhelming right now. I need to just start somewhere. I think I should just book an appointment and see how it goes. Finding a therapist is like going shopping for cute shoes. You have to try on a number of different pairs before you find the ones that are just perfect for the outfit. (I'm such a girl sometimes :eyeroll
I just want to wake up one day and have this all magically worked out while I was sleeping. Of course, I don't sleep enough for that to happen. I know it's not about the destination, but frankly the journey sucks. It's hard. Right now it feels impossible. I know it's worth it, but I wish I could ignore it all and it would just go away and I could be normal. No abuse history, no mental illness, no juvie record.
Answer:
I am also glad that you have gotten yourself out of this abusive situation.
I don't have alot of advice for you, except that I grew up in a home where there was alot of mental/emotional abuse. I know what you mean when you say that you are seeking out abuse. Things just don't seem normal to you unless some kind of turmoil is going on around you. Do you have someone to talk to? Do you have anyone around you that you can lean on?
I will tell you from personal experience that you may find yourself starting fights with people, or getting where you could just grit your teeth, scream, or hit a pillow for no reason. This is the minds way of letting your past go. If you can, don't surpress these feelings, let them out, as long as you are alone and not hurting somebody.
You will need alot of prayer. If you are currently attending a church, I would ask the members to remember you in prayer. I will be remembering you as well.
I know that I don't know you personally, but I believe God can truly work miracles in your life if you let Him.
Always remember that God loves you.
Isaiah 54:14, 15, 17
In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you. If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you. No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me, declares the Lord.
Answer:
Originally Posted by SeizetheDay I don't have alot of advice for you, except that I grew up in a home where there was alot of mental/emotional abuse. I know what you mean when you say that you are seeking out abuse. Things just don't seem normal to you unless some kind of turmoil is going on around you. That is it right there. I need the outer turmoil to balance the inner turmoil. Whether that's true or not, I dunno. But it sounds good. There may be some grain of truth in it too.
Originally Posted by SeizetheDay Do you have someone to talk to? Do you have anyone around you that you can lean on? There are a couple people that I can and do talk to. I don't like to have to lean on people. I used to have a full-blown support system when I was in therapy. I burned a lot of those bridges when I stopped going and as good as it was to have support, I didn't like the (to me) loss of control when I leaned on someone.
Originally Posted by SeizetheDay I will tell you from personal experience that you may find yourself starting fights with people, or getting where you could just grit your teeth, scream, or hit a pillow for no reason. This is the minds way of letting your past go. If you can, don't surpress these feelings, let them out, as long as you are alone and not hurting somebody. Been there, done that, will do it again.
Originally Posted by SeizetheDay You will need alot of prayer. If you are currently attending a church, I would ask the members to remember you in prayer. I will be remembering you as well. My pastor and the rest of the leadership team knows and are praying. I appreciate your prayers as well.
It looks rather impossible this morning. I may need to go back to bed and start the day over.