Question:
This may be lengthy, especailly for a first post, but here goes:
Little bit of background:
All through middle school i had been going to youth group and making good friends with everyone there. There was this one girl, who for privacy's sake, we'll call ellen. She and i we're accquaintances but never really hung out until freshman year of high school. We went to wednesday night dinners, and one night she came over and sat next to me. we hit it off pretty well but i never really thought anything of it because i wasent too much of a "lady killa".
The story goes that she gets this huge crush on me and i sortof start to like her, and her best friend, who we'll call anna, tries to get us to go out. It ended up that we started to just be really good friends and i told her i didnt want to date her as not to ruin our friendship. She was heartbroken and yadda yadda.
So freshman year went on, our friendships got closer with anna, ellen, (and that crush i had on ellen, it never went away) and i and brought us to sophomore year. I spilled the beans to another friend of ours that i still had a huge crush on ellen, and she said just stick it out, you guys are best of friends, dont worry about it. Ellen went on and dated one guy for a month then this other guy for 5. I was completely jelous of the two guys, but never really showed it and we just stayed really good friends.
Junior year: Ellen, anna and i are awesome friends, and do everything together. During the musical that i was in i met this girl named sarah who was pretty big time in our school and i found out that she had the hotts for me and we started dating. Before even one month was up she broke up with me and I was heartbroken for many days. She broke up with me on Dec. 22 and so the holidays were coming up and i was pretty devastated. The next couple of days i found out that Ellen, who i have always had feelings for, no matter what the situation was i had this indescribable feeling for her, started to realize that she liked me more than a friend while i was with sarah, and i found this out about Dec. 28th. New years eve rolled around and ellen asked me to go to her friends house with her, her best friend and her best friend's boyfriend. 12:00 came by and what do you know ellen is my frist kiss of 2007. The girl that i would just look at wondering what i could do to be with her for 2 years. 8 days later we started dating and everyone was so happy for us. now after 3 and a half weeks together our best friend, anna, is starting to tell me some things and thats where my problem is....
Anna keeps telling me how akward it is being around the two of us when we're together. I can definitly understand that, it was akward for ellen and i at the start. But everything i do now relating to ellen, anna says something like, "god forbid you have to spend a minute without her". Ellen and i dont go to the same school anymore because they built a new one that split us up, so natrually on the weekends i try to make time and see her. Anna says that we never want to do anythign that doesnt involve couples. She keeps telling me that i have changed so much but i see more change on her half of the card. She's lost her virginity now and just about every other week has a different guy shes not having sex with but hooking up with. Anna and i got into a big fight this afternoon as she was telling me how much i have changed and that we never ask her to hang out anymore. It ended in me telling her that i always like hanging out with her and that tonight is the first night in a while ellen and i have had alone. She says alright well i might see you later, goes out the door, comes back in and tells me that we probably shouldnt hang out anymore.
Usually when she says something like that i blow it over my shoulder and we'ere talking within days or hours. I felt bad about it but i couldnt help that she didnt want to hang out with me anymore. I love being with her but alone time is good too. She tells me that ive lost a best friend because of a girl. And i want to tell her that ellens more than a girl, ellen is my best friend that im in a relationship with, and your best friend too. She wont accept any apologie and is never happy for us like any of our other really good friends.
If your still reading thanks haha but i guess i just want some other opinions on the situation. Ellen and i regularly serve at church (especially jeremiah project!! ... if any of you have heard of it ) and it keeps our relationship really strong. Anna has sortof lost touch with the church and i feel like thats really getting in the way of our relationship, but thats how her family is and i completely accept it, its just hard sometimes without the same views on certain things, especially relationships.
So yeah feedback would be nice. If you dont have anything to say or think im completely stupid thats cool too haha. i just needed to let some stuff out and chose here thanks!
Answer:
Okay... so, you're wondering what to do about anna? Well, first off anna doesn't sound like she's doing that well - typically if someone's coming from a church background and is hooking up regularly with random guys its some sort of self-esteem issue. Her fixation on how much time you and ellen spend together as a couple may be related at least in part to that. Seeing her friends happy probably hurts simply because she may want that sort of relationship.
I think that hanging out with anna one-on-one may have helped before, but right now, if she's not accepting any apology (and is hostile to any attempt at conversation), there's not much you can do. If you have any other mutual friends concerned with the situation, you could use them as an intermediary in a bit. If things do blow over, tag-team with ellen about intentionally spending time with anna, both just you and her and just ellen and her.
Keep in mind anna's possible motivations of envy with poor self-worth. I've often found that trying to address those indirectly helps me be better friends from then on.
Answer:
This is sort of an inevitable problem. It used to be you, Ellen, and Anna; now it's you and Ellen... and Anna. First, you should recognize that even if you didn't mean to, you have almost certainly become more distant from Anna because of this relationship with Ellen. Realize the position she's in. She probably feels left out or unwanted. See: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=third+wheel.
Answer:
Originally Posted by OctaviusIII Okay... so, you're wondering what to do about anna? Well, first off anna doesn't sound like she's doing that well - typically if someone's coming from a church background and is hooking up regularly with random guys its some sort of self-esteem issue. Her fixation on how much time you and ellen spend together as a couple may be related at least in part to that. Seeing her friends happy probably hurts simply because she may want that sort of relationship.
I think that hanging out with anna one-on-one may have helped before, but right now, if she's not accepting any apology (and is hostile to any attempt at conversation), there's not much you can do. If you have any other mutual friends concerned with the situation, you could use them as an intermediary in a bit. If things do blow over, tag-team with ellen about intentionally spending time with anna, both just you and her and just ellen and her.
Keep in mind anna's possible motivations of envy with poor self-worth. I've often found that trying to address those indirectly helps me be better friends from then on.
I totally agree with both of you guys on this.
It's almost an inevitable thing that seems to happen. When three people are that close and two of them connect with each other better then the 3rd usually feels jealous. I know somewhat how Anna feels. 2 of my best friends are getting really close, not dating, but for the sake of this discussion they practically are. When It's just the 3 of us hanging out it does get awkward sometimes. But I've learned to deal with it.
It seems like Anna isn't taking it quite as well. There seems to be some jealousy going on so she's trying to fill the void with other things. If possible try to spend time with her, but like Octavious said, if she doesn't accept your apology there's not much you can do for her. Except pray that is, because her biggest problem seems to be that she's (as you put it) "lost touch with the church".
Answer:
You could try doing things with a group of people, try to keep it at 4 or possibly 5, too many folks can make people also feel distant, and let Anna know that you all still have a friendship.
The fact that it's only been a few weeks is probably also a sign that Anna is going through a bit of a "shock period". She probably really feels left out, whether rationally or irrationally, and anything you can do to show her she isn't outside of your circle will help.
Answer:
By the way, these suggestions were why I mentioned the "tag-team" aspect with ellen. Talk things through with ellen about what to do about anna and what you are doing.
Answer:
thanks for the good repsonse yall. i agree with pretty much everything yall have said i just needed different points of view. it helps alot. so thanks
Answer:
Sorry I'm going to pick out some bits and pieces here to comment on. I don't have the time to reply to all of it, but there were a couple things that stuck out on reading. Originally Posted by acm_89 Anna keeps telling me how akward it is being around the two of us when we're together. I can definitly understand that, it was akward for ellen and i at the start. But everything i do now relating to ellen, anna says something like, "god forbid you have to spend a minute without her".
You can chalk it up to awkwardness. You can call it jealousy. Anna has a very valid point here. Even if this is only about her feelings and there isn't a lick of truth in what she's saying (which I don't believe to be true). You were best friends and now you aren't there for her anymore. She didn't just lose you to a new relationship, she lost her two best friends to each other.
Unless you have been that third wheel you can't understand. You know how it was awkward for you and Ellen at the beginning to adjust to being more than friends. You have all these mushy 'love' feelings to smooth your way.
Ellen and i dont go to the same school anymore because they built a new one that split us up, so natrually on the weekends i try to make time and see her. Anna says that we never want to do anythign that doesnt involve couples.
So which school is Anna at?
Bolded section: to you it seems like an of course. I"m betting though that until New Years, the THREE of you would naturally do things together on the weekend.
Is she right in that you often do things with other couples now? Sure it's more comfortable that way.
She keeps telling me that i have changed so much but i see more change on her half of the card. She's lost her virginity now and just about every other week has a different guy shes not having sex with but hooking up with. So she's got her own issues to work through. And the two people that she might have opened up to are too wrapped up in this new relationship to be there for her.
Anna and i got into a big fight this afternoon as she was telling me how much i have changed and that we never ask her to hang out anymore. It ended in me telling her that i always like hanging out with her and that tonight is the first night in a while ellen and i have had alone. She says alright well i might see you later, goes out the door, comes back in and tells me that we probably shouldnt hang out anymore. So you blew her off. You didn't take her feelings into account. you didn't swallow your own feelings and ask her what she saw in you that had changed. You just chose to justify your decision.
Usually when she says something like that i blow it over my shoulder and we'ere talking within days or hours. I felt bad about it but i couldnt help that she didnt want to hang out with me anymore. I love being with her but alone time is good too. She tells me that ive lost a best friend because of a girl. And i want to tell her that ellens more than a girl, ellen is my best friend that im in a relationship with, and your best friend too. She wont accept any apologie and is never happy for us like any of our other really good friends.
I don't know you or the girls involved. From what you've written it sounds to me like Anna is badly hurt by being ditched by her two best friends. My guess here is that she would still love to hang out with you two - the way things used to be.
I get what Ellen means to you. I still have to ask though, now that you and Ellen are a couple, what does that make Anna?
Why would she be happy about losing her two best friends, to each other?
Ellen and i regularly serve at church (especially jeremiah project!! ... if any of you have heard of it ) and it keeps our relationship really strong. Anna has sortof lost touch with the church and i feel like thats really getting in the way of our relationship, but thats how her family is and i completely accept it, its just hard sometimes without the same views on certain things, especially relationships.
So you and Ellen have church, and you spend weekends together because you aren't in the same school. Depending on age/grade you have homework on weeknights. Where is there time for you three to do anything together anymore?
Are you saying that you can only be friends with those who hold the same views as you when it comes to beliefs and relationships?
So yeah feedback would be nice. If you dont have anything to say or think im completely stupid thats cool too haha. i just needed to let some stuff out and chose here thanks! With all that I've said, I don't think that you are completely stupid, just young and in love. I think you are so focused on Ellen that Anna is getting lost in the mix.
Someone mentioned you and Ellen talking about it - better yet, the three of you were best friends. The three of you need to sit down as friends, not as you and Ellen...and Anna. Don't try to 'manage' her or 'handle' her. Don't throw her a bone and take shifts as to who's week it is to spend an evening with Anna.