Question:
Often times I get mixed up with what God wants me to do and what I want to do. I think of it as just my mind is just shuffling possibilities and thoughts- just considering all possibilities and such. When I feel that he's telling me to do something, I say to myself that it’s just ME saying that and it's all just psychological and stuff.
All this is about a girl, and our future.
Sometimes I feel that God is telling me to just follow my heart’s desires and just GO FOR IT you know? Be reckless because He's behind me, but then again, when it comes to a minister or whatever, that’s the answer they don’t want God to tell you. Well maybe it’s just our church, or conservative churches, where they don’t encourage dating within church members at all. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the risks of everything and I know that the pastor or leader is looking out for the entire congregation's health-which is exactly the problem. Every case has the same answer, I've even seen this in Christian books and stuff, not just about dating within churches, but dating in general or when you start having "feelings" for another person. It always comes down to, "Guard your heart, and stop liking that person, just stop, you need to focus on God more." Anyone understand what I’m saying? (Don’t get me wrong I don’t disagree with us seeking God first, I love to admit it, but she builds me up and keeps me in check all the time, and we’re going to start doing devotions and bible studies together.)
This person and I have been told this many times, and many times before we have tried to do what they said. We started taking steps to "Not-like" each other, which is ridiculously HARD to do, but then they say “of course it’s hard, God doesn’t make you go through easy trials it is definitely a hard task” Every time we follow their advice, it gets harder and harder, and it seems to become more pointless and pointless. We (she and I) joke about it, but it’s just so frustrating when we try to do the “right” thing by seeking “pastoral” guidance and counseling (pastoral wife for her). Every time we label ourselves as just “friends”, it’s so awkward and hard for ME (I wont speak on her behalf), to maintain that distance physically and emotionally. We just end up saying “this was a stupid idea”. And it does feel that way, a waste of time, also.
I feel because of this, I can not go to my church leaders for help regarding this, I HAVE in the past, but they always boil down to the same thing, they disregard anything I may feel or any convictions I have because (OBVIOUSLY) if they encourage feelings of a relationship, then they CERTAINLY must not be from God, but from MY OWN HEART'S SELFISH DESIRES (sarcasm). I have liked her for the past 3 some years and we recently (about a couple months ago, after a year of going back and forth) started "dating" but "secretly" or whatever. because, well for myself, I KNOW my pastor (super conservative) would not approve, which I am expecting, but am not surprised of.
Another factor would be her parents; they won’t let her date at all. It’s not just me (even though they know who I am and WHO I am). I see her about 1-2 times outside of church (Friday/Sunday) to hang out, go out, watch movies, couple stuff, that is why I think we’re dating, but she is a girl with strong convictions for her parents and the lord, so she doesn’t consider it “dating”. We’re just a couple of “I don’t know” friends to her. We’re both college freshmen. So youth may have an issue, but I don’t think it should for dating. (But what do I know? I’m too young…)
The only thing I feel that is a legitimate reason or excuse for us to stop seeing each other would be her parents, and I know that should I want a future with her, respecting her parents comes first. So I’m asking the wise members of CGR for their advice on what I should do. I have come up with
1) Keep seeing her, and keep it a secret from everyone at church (except close friends there)
2) Just stop, suck it up, be “just friends” until her parents give us the “OK”, you can still see her and hang out. Remember to suck it up.
3) “Just friends” alternative. Don’t see her at all or call her, let our interactions and communications be limited only at church.
4) Ask her parents for permission if you can date her and let her mom gently distract you while her dad gets his 12 gauge. (Sarcasm, but you get the point; the only way I’d do this is if I get an extremely strong conviction from God and all the heavens to do so.)
5) Just. Wait. But in the meantime... uhh ill tell you what to do or what you should do with her and yourself.
***If there is ANYTHING you guys want me to clear up or any questions you guys want to ask that you guys feel would help you help me, please ask away (PM or HERE). I'm very sorry for my essay long plea.
**i'm not new to CGR, this is just my..alias
Answer:
Seeing as you're not new to CGR, you should've known I was going to ask this...
How old are y'all?
Wait, never mind, I missed that part about being college freshman.
Full response tomorrow, but as a preliminary, I would like to say that at your age, you are more than ready to start considering a romantic relationship, and it's pretty silly that everyone is treating your attraction to her like a "trial" you must endure.
Answer:
you know i was born in lousiana...
born and raised in kenner. memorial baptist elementary school
HEHE.
Answer:
Geez, it's just dating...I don't see why your church is getting all uppity about it. If you're attracted to each other, for reasons beyond just the physical, then I'd say talk to her parents about it.
Answer:
Geez indeed. What do they (pastor and parents) say would be a good time to start dating? Obviously your pastor dated at some point, as he's married, as have her parents.
Answer:
Feelings for another =/= a horrific trial that must be endured. You are plenty old enough to be considering a relationship, (heck, I am your age and I am engaged.) and you are also old enough to start making those decisions on your own, albeit respectfully. Don't just tell everyone else in your life to get lost, and do whatever you want, but saying that you should date is just ridiculous.
Answer:
I would assume that she is still living at home with her parents. They are the ones you need to go to and discuss it with them. Not with leadership because frankly they are out to lunch.
The only caution I would have is in that regard.
Answer:
Originally Posted by alias12345 Well maybe it’s just our church, or conservative churches, where they don’t encourage dating within church members at all. This is the first red flag for me. Where should dating take place if not among people of like mind and purpose? I think dating should frequently take place within the church. What better way to ensure you are "equally yoked?"
This person and I have been told this many times, and many times before we have tried to do what they said. We started taking steps to "Not-like" each other, which is ridiculously HARD to do, but then they say “of course it’s hard, God doesn’t make you go through easy trials it is definitely a hard task” This is also problematic. I see no reason whatsoever to believe that attraction to someone is a trial. It's completely natural and, as far as I'm concerned, completely healthy. God is, after all, the inventor of romance. He created us with these desires. We are not charged with eliminating God-given desires but with directing them properly.
Every time we label ourselves as just “friends”, it’s so awkward and hard for ME (I wont speak on her behalf), to maintain that distance physically and emotionally. We just end up saying “this was a stupid idea”. And it does feel that way, a waste of time, also. Understandably.
I feel because of this, I can not go to my church leaders for help regarding this, I HAVE in the past, but they always boil down to the same thing, they disregard anything I may feel or any convictions I have because (OBVIOUSLY) if they encourage feelings of a relationship, then they CERTAINLY must not be from God, but from MY OWN HEART'S SELFISH DESIRES (sarcasm). This is a serious problem, and I understand you feeling like you can't go to your church leaders for help. I honestly cannot fathom why a pastor, or anyone else, would tell someone of your age that they had to suppress attraction for someone of the opposite sex without even considering a relationship.
I have liked her for the past 3 some years and we recently (about a couple months ago, after a year of going back and forth) started "dating" but "secretly" or whatever. because, well for myself, I KNOW my pastor (super conservative) would not approve, which I am expecting, but am not surprised of. This, however, is also a serious problem. There are circumstances which would make dating in secret acceptable (violent parents, etc), but disapproval in and of itself is not one of them, especially if it's just from a pastor. You have nothing to hide from your pastor. You are not doing anything wrong (except perhaps deceiving people into thinking you are just friends).
Another factor would be her parents; they won’t let her date at all. It’s not just me (even though they know who I am and WHO I am). I see her about 1-2 times outside of church (Friday/Sunday) to hang out, go out, watch movies, couple stuff, that is why I think we’re dating, but she is a girl with strong convictions for her parents and the lord, so she doesn’t consider it “dating”. We’re just a couple of “I don’t know” friends to her. We’re both college freshmen. So youth may have an issue, but I don’t think it should for dating. (But what do I know? I’m too young…) This could be a problem. She still has to respect and honor her parents. That does not mean that she always has to do what they say for the rest of her life, but at this point (just starting to be on her own) I think there is still some degree to which she needs to obey her parents' wishes. You are sort of right on the borderline of needing to say, "Ok, I won't date her because her parents said so," and needing to say, "Ok, I respect her parents, but she's old enough to make her own decisions." By next year, I would say you would be squarely in the second category.
1) Keep seeing her, and keep it a secret from everyone at church (except close friends there) This seems like deception, and deception is not good.
2) Just stop, suck it up, be “just friends” until her parents give us the “OK”, you can still see her and hang out. Remember to suck it up. This may be the way to go at least for a while. Give her parents a chance to see how well you get along and that she's attracted to you (if they don't already realize this) and see if they will be more lenient about it. If they don't and you both get to be 20 years old, it's time to say, "Ok, I respect her parents, but she's old enough to make her own decisions."
3) “Just friends” alternative. Don’t see her at all or call her, let our interactions and communications be limited only at church. This would kind of suck and probably isn't a realistic option anyway.
4) Ask her parents for permission if you can date her and let her mom gently distract you while her dad gets his 12 gauge. (Sarcasm, but you get the point; the only way I’d do this is if I get an extremely strong conviction from God and all the heavens to do so.) Maybe down the road a bit.
Really, as I said, I think you (plural) are probably old enough to make your own decisions, but she is still doing a good thing by trying to obey her parents. There will come a point--if it has not come already--where you can go ahead and date even if her parents don't approve, but until then, it would be deception to date her without saying you were dating her. If you're going to date her, say you're dating (unless her dad really would get a 12-gauge). If you're not going to say you're dating her, it'd probably be best not to at this point.
Answer:
Past a certain point, "honoring your parents" cannot possibly, or at least not logically, mean "doing everything they say." I say that y'all keep dating if that is what y'all want to do, and simply tell her parents, in a respectful and honoring way, that y'all have decided to date.
As for your church leaders... they have no position to tell you whether you can date, much less whom.
Answer:
I'm getting the impression that you both know that you're attracted to one another and have the intentions of dating, so I'm personally not so sure if "not dating until we get the OK from the parents" is the best mindset to take, since either way, you'll be in that relationship. To me it just seems that it's the "nice" way of keeping your dating secret.
And I'm also with the crowd who thinks that her parents should have the right to know your intentions with their daughter if you're indeed dating her.
So I agree with Nate, more or less.