Question:
Ok, My boyfriend and I have kind of a unique situation, and I'm wondering if anybody has some advice or experience with this.
I met my bf at a conference 2 and a half years ago, but he lives in the midwest and I live on the east coast. We communicated a lot though through the internet and phone and became good friends, and then he flew out to visit me at my parents house last year during our winter break. We had a great time and officially started our relationship when he flew out a second time this past summer, (this is after two years of just being friends, well, the six months between visits leaned toward more than friendship, I mean, there was always an unspoken attraction)
So anyways, since the summer he has come out a third time and I have been to where he lives and met his family and everything is going very well. He is a senior in college and is planning to go to a grad school only 3 hours away from me this fall, which will be great because we'll be able to see each other a lot more. It'll be a one year program. I'm only in my second year of college here.
We definitely know that we are going to get married, and I have no doubts this is the man I am meant to be with. It may sound crazy because we haven't spent that much physical time together, but we talk on the phone for hours every day and have discussed marriage and know that is what we want. The long distance thing is tough of course, but never have we consider pulling out, because we know its worth it.
So the question really is, when to get married. I always assumed that I would not get married until after college, but that is 2 and a half years away. When he is finished getting his degree from grad school and getting a job I will still have one year of school left. He wants to get married sooner rather than later. I mentioned the other day about getting married but not being able to live together for the first year while I finished school. I wasn't totally serious, but he seemed to like the idea (we both do not want to live where I go to school now, so I think he should get a job, wherever it is we want to live permanently) What does every body think? Sorry this is so long
Oh, and I don't think there would be any financial issues. We both don't have any student loans, and his field should get him a pretty good job after he gets his degree.
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All I have to say is that it would suck (and be really really unBiblical, it seems) to not live together after being married.
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Originally Posted by Nate All I have to say is that it would suck (and be really really unBiblical, it seems) to not live together after being married. I tend to agree.
Your relationship has already built up certain expectations that can only be fixed through actually physical contact. You can get to know parts of a person over the phone, but there are doubtless small things that one might only observe in person that could be very annoying.
To enter into the marriage covenant and spend the first year apart would only serve to transfer those expectations into the marriage and could cause the idea of "separate is normal" to because the standard mode of operation, which could eventually lead to some serious issues later on.
If he really wants to get married when he finishes school, then he should be willing to pursue you where you are at and not marry you with the expectation that you'll spend your first year apart followed by you moving to where he is...at least that's my thoughts on the subject.
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Originally Posted by Amazing Grace He wants to get married sooner rather than later. I can definatley understand that.
I mentioned the other day about getting married but not being able to live together for the first year while I finished school. I wasn't totally serious, but he seemed to like the idea (we both do not want to live where I go to school now, so I think he should get a job, wherever it is we want to live permanently) What does every body think? As someone who got married less than a month ago...that sounds like a really bad idea that would be misserable for both of you and a very poor foundation to build a marriage on. While we were dating my wife and I were 1,200 miles apart. It was awful (something I'm sure you understand) but we were only dating.
And on a more superficial level, people will think you are nuts and have a weird marriage. Right or wrong...thats just the way people are. There was a couple that did something like what you're talking about at my school, years later people still talk about the weird guy that got married and then decided to go to school in a different state than her. It just looks REALLY weird to people.
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i have to agree with everyone here... it's not a good idea to be apart the first year of marriage... my husband and i had to go through that (immigration process which is out of our control) and it was hell... literally hell... and i wouldn't wish it on anyone... so if you guys are really serious about getting married soon, then one of you should make the sacrifice of moving to be with the other... the first year of marriage is very, very crucial.
with jase and i, this whole year (i arrived here in the States March of 2006) feels like our first year together (even though it's our 2nd year)... we spent our 1st anniversary apart from each other and only spent our 2nd year (finally) together... we are very happy together but i'm telling you, we regret not having spent our first year together but we didn't have any choice in the matter... but you and your bf have a choice... choose to be together.
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Well, my inclination is to advise at least six months of non-engaged time physically in the same place together to dispel anything incorrect you (plural) may have built up over the phone and internet, which are certainly not the best for really knowing a person. Physiologically, the "new relationship" chemical buzz wears off in about a year, and I'm not sure if there's much of a connection between that and physical presence together.
That said, it sounds like you're set on marriage, just when. Well, the when should probably be later rather than sooner. My Marriage and Family professor, also a marriage counselor, said that it needs to be in the Right Place at the Right Time with the Right Person. It sounds like you have the last one down, and you're asking about the second and the first is the major variable. Wait until it is the right time in the right place.
On an aside, the Talmudic rabbis believed that even traders travelling without their wives owed them at least one night per month. If you have to be apart for a year, see him as much as possible. See if you can't live off-campus together. Something, but don't just spend the year apart.
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Thanks for the help everybody. I appreciate all the advise and it has been very helpful. I guess we'll just have to see where God takes us! But good points have definitely been made. I especially appreciate hearing from those who have experience in this. I've met few others that are even in a regular long distance relationship. So any advise is appreciated!
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I personally don't think that you should consider marrying and living seperately. Mylene gave a good insight into that already, but I will add that my parents had to do something similar when they were first married. my mom finished college a semester earlier than my dad because my dad had to drop out and switch schools for reasons he couldn't control. they decided they would get married as soon as my mom graduated with her BA, but what ended up happening was that my parents were together for about two months (I think) before my mom headed off to NY (from Iowa) for grad school and my dad stayed behind to finish his last semester of his BA. my mom is very optimistic and sees the good in everything, but I know that it was miserable for them to be apart, and my mom did get a lot of weird reactions from the girls she lived with first semester. the biggest question was always, "well if you're married, where's your husband?"
honestly, if you are certain that this is the man God has chosen for you, then waiting two years to marry him is not going to mess up your life. you may have to put your future plans and dreams aside for a bit while you complete your immediate goal, but in the end you will be with him for the rest of your life. consider the time you have to wait as a time of testing, and a time to prepare yourself to spend the rest of your life with another person. spend as much time with God and with your girlfriends as possible, because you are going to want/need them again later on. use this time to forge your relationships in iron so that they are unshakeable, even when you (understandably) eventually disappear for a bit when you become a newly-wed.
have you talked to your parents about this at all? they might have some wisdom to share with you.
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consider the time you have to wait as a time of testing, and a time to prepare yourself to spend the rest of your life with another person. spend as much time with God and with your girlfriends as possible, because you are going to want/need them again later on. use this time to forge your relationships in iron so that they are unshakeable, even when you (understandably) eventually disappear for a bit when you become a newly-wed.
you are so smart. that's exactly what i had to do and it's paying off now.
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Originally Posted by OctaviusIII Well, my inclination is to advise at least six months of non-engaged time physically in the same place together to dispel anything incorrect you (plural) may have built up over the phone and internet, which are certainly not the best for really knowing a person. Physiologically, the "new relationship" chemical buzz wears off in about a year, and I'm not sure if there's much of a connection between that and physical presence together.
As a guy who got married to his bride 8 days after moving back to the same state after spending the previous few years roving and wandering the country... (it may have been 10...) I think that can be completely unnecesarry and an invitation to immorality. My wife and I knew each other very well and after a year and 8 months, still very few surprises in the relationship and nothing important.
That said, living apart for a year would be a horrible idea. What is your priority? School or family? If school is more important than your spouse, the relationship is in serious trouble. Praisey had some crazy extenuating circumstances, and she can attest as to how bad an idea this is as she had it by necessity. Getting a throwaway job for a year is what I did before entering grad school.
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Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq As a guy who got married to his bride 8 days after moving back to the same state after spending the previous few years roving and wandering the country... (it may have been 10...) I think that can be completely unnecesarry and an invitation to immorality. My wife and I knew each other very well and after a year and 8 months, still very few surprises in the relationship and nothing important. To clarify, if you meant living together, I wholeheartedly agree. What I meant is having a short-distance relationship, where you live in the same general area.
If you meant that having a short-distance relationship after a long-distance relationship is a bad idea and an invitation to immorality, I'd have to disagree. Removing the short-distance relationship from the equation is something I would recommend as an exception to the norm based on the couple's wisdom and displayed ability to think through and not with their hearts. There are always exceptions, but one should have a more conservative norm to fall back on when not all the influencing factors are clear, as in this case.
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Originally Posted by OctaviusIII To clarify, if you meant living together, I wholeheartedly agree. What I meant is having a short-distance relationship, where you live in the same general area.
Nope, not what I meant.
If you meant that having a short-distance relationship after a long-distance relationship is a bad idea and an invitation to immorality, I'd have to disagree. Tried it? If you haven't I would have to question the validity of your statement. A long distance relationship can progress to the point where marriage is the biblical solution. (1 Corinthians 7)
Removing the short-distance relationship from the equation is something I would recommend as an exception to the norm based on the couple's wisdom and displayed ability to think through and not with their hearts. There are always exceptions, but one should have a more conservative norm to fall back on when not all the influencing factors are clear, as in this case.
One assumes here that there is necissarily an advantage to getting to know someone in close physical proximity. If two parties are honest, that is not the case at all.
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Originally Posted by OctaviusIII If you meant that having a short-distance relationship after a long-distance relationship is a bad idea and an invitation to immorality, I'd have to disagree. Removing the short-distance relationship from the equation is something I would recommend as an exception to the norm based on the couple's wisdom and displayed ability to think through and not with their hearts. There are always exceptions, but one should have a more conservative norm to fall back on when not all the influencing factors are clear, as in this case. Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq Tried it? If you haven't I would have to question the validity of your statement. A long distance relationship can progress to the point where marriage is the biblical solution. (1 Corinthians 7)
Octavius, I have to side with Bill on this one. Long-distance turned short-distance for too long leads to nearly unbearable temptation. I'm sure many of us who've been in long-term, long-distance relationships will agree as well. I'm sorry, your idea does look grand on paper. But it's one of those things in life where you really have no idea what it's like until you've gone through it yourself.
It's not about people being different via long-distance methods of communication. The fact is, being forced to nourish a relationship over such a distance creates longings in both parties that cannot be fulfilled until they spend time together. Couple that with the fact that when you do finally get to spend time with your significant other, you both will want to make the most of the little time you have together. Do you see the recipie for disaster? This is the worst kind of temptation I personally have ever struggled with. I do not recommend anyone else open up such a can of worms.
My husband and I spent the first several months of our relationship communicating via IMs. We pledged to be as open and honest with each other as possible, and tried to meet up every chance we could. One year into our relationship, we became engaged, and we were married just last month. Six days away from Art felt like forever, much less six months of not being married to him. If other long-distance couples are also honest with each other and meet up as often as they can, I don't see why six months need to pass by while temptation grows.
To the OP: I strongly suggest you consider either waiting to get married or finding some other way to manage to spend your first few years of married life together. Maybe you and your bf can marry, he can get a temporary job near your college and you two can move after you graduate; he could also begin his career and wait for you to finish school before the wedding. Either way, don't just marry and then spend an extended amount of time apart. As Mylene attested to, it would grieve both your spirits to be seperated from your husband/wife for so long, and it could well create an unhealthy foundation for your marriage.
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Originally Posted by hapa_angel Octavius, I have to side with Bill on this one. Long-distance turned short-distance for too long leads to nearly unbearable temptation. I'm sure many of us who've been in long-term, long-distance relationships will agree as well. I'm sorry, your idea does look grand on paper. But it's one of those things in life where you really have no idea what it's like until you've gone through it yourself. Alas, no, I haven't tried it, so I suppose yours and bill's voices of experience are better guides at this than mine. My concern wasn't for the honesty of the verbal communication but for the nonverbal communications that get lost through phone or internet communications. If, however, the inevitable outcome of long-distance becoming short-distance is a tremendous urge for immorality, then my advice on this is more than suspect, it's incorrect.