Question:
What do you do when someone is in need of comfort? I mean, verbally speaking...I just failed miserably at it and this person told me so; and now I feel really bad
Thanks,
Answer:
Unfortunately, sometimes there's nothing to be said; in any event, simply listening and being there speak volumes in and of themselves. It can be uncomfortable to be with someone who suffers, but genuinely doing so can make a huge difference. I'm certainly no expert in this, but what I've found works best is limiting myself to responses which convey simply that I'm listening and I care about the person unless something very strongly comes to mind and it seems wise to say it. It also comes down to just being genuine and not relying on what you think might be comforting; I know I've fallen into the trap of giving canned responses and people can usually see right through that.
I don't presume to know what happened in the situation you describe, so just some random thoughts on the issue.
Answer:
1) Affirmation of sorrow.
2) Build up realistic hope.
3) Motivate.
A lot of people think that comfort is telling someone how great they are, or that they were right, or that things will get better. In all honesty, when things do get better, they'll end up getting worse again. Living for the good moments and hating the bad moments is a self-defeating attitude, because there are more bad moments than good. It's better to help someone realize that there's good in the bad, bad in the good, and it really all comes out even anyhow.
Having said that, I will say that "comfort" is not mindless "encouragement." It can be, sure, but often that just leads to a short emotional high followed by a resurgence of the same issue over and over. True comfort is not always found in simply cheering someone up. It's okay to be sad. In fact, sadness and grief are utterly necessary (and, when in their proper place, very good) emotions to feel. God has not equipped us with anything that is entirely bad, so the fact that negative emotions exist implies that they have their proper time and place to be allowed their due course. See Psalm 88, Psalm 22, 13, etc. Many of the psalms are not happy at all. Some get a little more joyful towards the end, but others (like Psalm 22) are cut-and-dried negativity from beginning to end.
After that, it's important to realize that life has its ups as well as its downs. Build them up towards that in love and in truth- and by that I mean don't lie to them, don't be unfair to them, etc. No one ever got anything good out of being lied to, no matter what crap people may try to feed you about lying being okay if it's "good for them." False encouragement breeds false sentiments which collapse under their own morbid weight.
Now that they've let out the bad and you've pointed them to the good, keep the ball rolling. If they are Christian, encourage them as Christians. If they aren't... well, that may well could complicate things. The other day I spent three hours getting a point across to an agnostic high school kid, because he didn't grasp the concepts I was talking about and didn't care. But if this person is a Christian, I would take a holistic approach to motivating them: help them in their general Christian walk by letting "the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God." (Colossians 3:18)
Bottom line: It's okay to be sad, to mourn, and to feel like a worm. Sad stuff happens, sad things deserve to be mourned over, and man is not much more than a worm when you get down to it. At the same time, sadness is short-lived. Deal with the sadness, grow from that and become stronger. The steel that endures the most is able to endure the most because of it.
Now here's the kicker: The best way for you to do all of that may just be to do nothing but pray for the person. It's up to you to figure out whether that is true in this situation, of course, but sometimes that's all you can do.
Answer:
both are right.....sometimes all someone needs to hear is if its gonna be okay and that you're there for them....and offer hope and a possible solution....but most importantly people just want to heard....
Answer:
sometimes silence is best.
It is totally dependent on a myriad of circumstances.
Answer:
I like the example of Job's friends.
"Now when Job's three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, they came each one from his own place... and they made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and comfort him.
When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky.
Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great." (2:11-13)
Only after Job speaks, lamenting the day of his birth, do they use words to try and comfort him. Of course, these words do more harm than good. Job says "For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend..." (6:14)
What I get from this, is that when a friend needs comfort, the first thing I should do is sympathize/mourn with them. And when it is finally time to speak, my words should be kind and not accusing.
Answer:
Thanks for all the suggestions, guys; they are very helpful. My friend's better now, but the next time I am in the situation I'll try to remember this thread.
Answer:
Originally Posted by jengoesup Thanks for all the suggestions, guys; they are very helpful. My friend's better now, but the next time I am in the situation I'll try to remember this thread.
excellent....