Question:
This is something that really bothers me that makes me feel like crap.
My parents set certain hard and fast rules with my brothers and they have me look out for them because they trust me. Well, my youngest brother is not allowed to watch certain inappropriate TV programming and other things of this nature. Often I'll catch him doing that and report it to my parents later. Then I feel bad because my little brother resents me. It was the same way with Jeremy (my 18 year old little bro) when he was younger. I was watch dog and was asked to let my parents know when he threw illegal parties or when I smelled weed or saw him using liquor. He also hated me and got his friends to hate me.
So, am I doing the right thing or am I just being a stool pigeon for my folks?
Answer:
I went through something very similar.
My brother started going out with a girl that my parents disaproved of. They said that he could stay friends with her, as she wasn't that bad, but he had to cut off his boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. He failed to do so, and insisted on staying with her to the point that my parents made him completely cut off the relationship. But after going so far, why would he stop there? So his relationship continued. He was told not to communicate with her in any way, and yet, he did. I always knew what was going on, and had to clue in my parents. Eventually, (and just recently) he ended the relationship.
If you have to give up being your brother's friend for his sake, so be it. It's hard, but it's what you have to do.
Answer:
Heya,
I'd hate to be in that situation. Have you explained to your parents how you feel about it? If at all possible, I'd find a way not to have to do it (or simply disagree to being a "spy", though I don't know how "Biblical" that'd be).
Answer:
He doesn't have to be a spy. By all means, let your brother know what you're doing, and explain to him why.
Answer:
Love your brother in the rough ways. I mean, is it kind to let him get away with smoking weed and breaking the law? Is it in his best interest?
A real friend will smetimes hurt you to help you.
Answer:
That's pretty much what I mean, Bill. You'll be one of his best friends as you do this, but he'll think you're his worst enemy. You've gotta go through with it.
Answer:
Exactly what Bill said. Your parents have asked you to do this, first of all. Second of all, are you just going to sit there and just watch them do something that you know is by your parents or even illegal? You should love those guys enough to set them in line. Sorry if you feel like a rat or whatever, but it is in the best interest of your brothers. They may be ticked at you now for it, but hopefully someday they'll have changed enough to thank you for it, and to have the gusto to tell you how much they appreciated you. If that sounds like it's improbable, it very well may be. Does that mean you're doing the wrong thing? No, it just means they'll dislike you for it until they're gone from home.

The sad thing is that when they do leave home, they'll have absolutely nothing to stop them when they screw up. If I were you, I'd do more than just let your parents know what they're doing; you should be trying your hardest to help these guys out for their future lives.

I know you probably have done that though, Josh.
Answer:
Let them get into trouble without your help. They have a consience(sp).
Allow them to do their own things, and when they do it, counsel them a bit, but not to much. Soon or later, they will get caught. Watch things from a distance, and make sure nothing really bad happens.
With counseling, if your brother has stupid parties, say: "This is stupid, I think you should stop this." That is it...say that, then walk away. Do not give him time to say anything. It will be in his head that his big brother thinks he is making a bad decision. It might not be for the first few times, but it will stick with him.
Do not snitch. If you feel you need to tell your parents that you need to not do that, do it. I think you should just make sure they do not hurt themselves, or allow situations to get to out of hand.
How are they suppose to grow if they do not do stupid actions? Did you? What type of person are you today?
I know that I made stupid mistakes, and I have learned valuable lessons from them. Just be there for them...be a big brother, not a watch dog.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Maru Let them get into trouble without your help. They have a consience(sp).
Well, the case with my little brother (the 12 year old) is that he sneaks around doing things like watching inappropriate movies that my mom doesn't want him to watch. Shall I stand by and allow him to fill his mind with things my mother doesn't want in there? He really doesn't value my opinion. As far as he is concerned I am just another adult.
With counseling, if your brother has stupid parties, say: "This is stupid, I think you should stop this." That is it...say that, then walk away. Do not give him time to say anything. It will be in his head that his big brother thinks he is making a bad decision. It might not be for the first few times, but it will stick with him.
It's been happening for years and he thinks I'm a loser for not thinking it's a good idea. I doubt it has stuck with him.
Do not snitch.
So you're with my brother's in thinking I am a snitch? I am just curious. Is this what I am? My parents have asked me to keep an eye out and let them know when they do certain things. I don't want to be a snitch but I'd like to help my parents out since they're certainly justified.
How are they suppose to grow if they do not do stupid actions?
Well, I think it is kind of ridiculous to think that you have to make bad decisions to become a well rounded adult.
Answer:
Josh my only concern is why you have to play the gestapo role? I'm certainly not trying to insult your parents, but isn't it a parental role to coach and discipline children? That being said, I don't think you're being a snitch so to speak because you're acting in accordance with a request from your parents. On the other hand, I think there are more effective ways that you could deal with the individual situations than simply spying for your parents. I'm the oldest sibbling as well and I can tell you from experience (as I'm sure you've already figured out) that younger sibblings can quickly grow to resent an older sibbling playing a parental role. I think leading by example and having calm, non-judgemental and objective conversation is the best way for you to help your younger brothers.
Answer:
Originally Posted by ChrisHarbison Josh my only concern is why you have to play the gestapo role?
I don't have to. I just have been since they've asked me to keep an eye out. I've made this thread to see if I should refuse.
isn't it a parental role to coach and discipline children?
Well, I haven't coached or diciplined either of them. I've shown my disapproval but nothing very overt.
I think leading by example and having calm, non-judgemental and objective conversation is the best way for you to help your younger brothers.
I can do the example part at least.
Answer:
Originally Posted by slap_j I don't have to. I just have been since they've asked me to keep an eye out. I've made this thread to see if I should refuse.
Well, I haven't coached or diciplined either of them. I've shown my disapproval but nothing very overt.
I can do the example part at least.
Have you made stupid mistakes(like all of us), and learned from them? I am pretty sure everyone in the Bible has, especially David.
You cannot stop them from making stupid mistakes. That is how we grow. When we try to walk, we know to look out infront of ourselves. If we do not, we will run into walls.
Once your brother is caught by his parents(not you), he will be in trouble. While he is in trouble, be there for him. Spend time with him.
Is your little brother watching pornography? If he is, how is he obtaining that pornography? If it is stupid cartoons, such as South Park, or other idiotic ones, allow your parents to catch him.
I have a older brother, he was an excellent example for me. He did not tell on me, he helped me in my times of need. When I made a stupid mistake, he was there to lift me up, and counsel me on why my actions were stupid.
You are a good older brother. You care for your siblings. Telling on them is not the answer though, being an example is.
Answer:
Originally Posted by slap_j I don't have to. I just have been since they've asked me to keep an eye out. I've made this thread to see if I should refuse.
Ah, well in that case, yes, I think you should seek more effective ways of keeping an eye out. However, there are certainly times when intervention by telling someone else is necessary.
I can do the example part at least.
Fo shizzle.
Answer:
Well guys, I'll see how I can better handle the spot I'm in. Thanks.