Question:
okay. I have a problem (obviously) and I'd like to get some ideas on how to deal with it.
there's this girl at my school, and I'm not exactly friends with her, but we're more than just acquaintances. I think I started out just being nice, and then I became more friend-like because I felt sorry for her. now that I've known her for a while, I'm feeling more sorry for me, as bad as that sounds.
I guess she was made fun of throughout school, and I know that causes insecurity, but really...does it cause immaturity? she doesn't act like the 20 year old woman she is...rather, there's more of a jr. highish mentality going on when it comes to certain things. she makes comments that are either unnecessary, shocking, or even offensive (though I know she probably doesn't realize they're offensive) and people are pulling away from her more and more. she also tends to be very clingy with guys, and she really recklessly pursues whomever it is she likes and she doesn't care who knows about it. she blows me off when it comes to guys as well, and I think that may be one of the biggest reasons we're not friends.
she's very knowledgeable when it comes to music and such, and she's a fairly intelligent person from what I can tell, but it seems like she has to prove her intelligence. I know that she's probably just commenting on the music, but to others it may seem like she's trying to prove she knows it all, or something. where I might say, "oh...Beethoven" she says "Beethoven, x symphony, x movement" or something along those lines.
I don't want to go through a whole list of everything she does, so I'll stop it there and move on to the next part of my problem.
we are very very different in personality, in mentality, in beliefs, etc. I really don't know how to act around her, and I don't know what kind of a reputation I'm getting because of being around her. I don't want to "drop" her, because I've seen that I'm the only girl she consistently hangs out with...and I have a bunch of other people I hang out with at school, so I feel like I may be her only friend, but I'm not sure.
I just don't know how to let her know that some of the really tactless things she says make me uncomfortable, how her shameless pursuit of this guy makes me uncomfortable, and how her know-it-all attitude makes me uncomfortable. I guess I should also ask you guys to pray for me, because my attitude about this is not as good as it could be.
if you guys have any suggestions whatsoever, they are very welcome.
*edit* if some of the things seem really jumpy or out of place, I'm sorry. I kept writing and editing out, so something that made sense before might not be quite as clear now. please let me know if clarification is needed.
Answer:
Y'know, I went through the exact same thing except the girl had a huge crush on me and I had too let her down and she was very hurt. I think thats what you have to do, you have to tell her. Someone's going to get hurt no matter what happens, just do it sooner rather than later.
Answer:
Originally Posted by beanbag I guess she was made fun of throughout school, and I know that causes insecurity, but really...does it cause immaturity? she doesn't act like the 20 year old woman she is...rather, there's more of a jr. highish mentality going on when it comes to certain things. she makes comments that are either unnecessary, shocking, or even offensive (though I know she probably doesn't realize they're offensive) and people are pulling away from her more and more. she also tends to be very clingy with guys, and she really recklessly pursues whomever it is she likes and she doesn't care who knows about it. she blows me off when it comes to guys as well, and I think that may be one of the biggest reasons we're not friends. Reading this makes me wonder what happened to her specifically in jr. high. If you feel comfortable, it mgith be worth trying to find out what happened then as it sounds like, possibly, she shut down in maturity etc at that age, that happens with really traumatic experiences.
If you dont feel comfortable helping her deal with that (or simply finding out what happened, which would give you a bit more of an understanding as to why she acts the way she does) then suggest she gets help for that, it fully depends how bad you think that is.
she's very knowledgeable when it comes to music and such, and she's a fairly intelligent person from what I can tell, but it seems like she has to prove her intelligence. I know that she's probably just commenting on the music, but to others it may seem like she's trying to prove she knows it all, or something. where I might say, "oh...Beethoven" she says "Beethoven, x symphony, x movement" or something along those lines. This sounds very much like she feels the need to prove herself, the only suggestion I have for this is make her realise she doesn't have to say/know all that stuff to make friends and that she can be a good friends without knowing it.
we are very very different in personality, in mentality, in beliefs, etc. Can you eloborate on this statement? What personalities do you two have? Beliefs, are you both Christian or what?
I really don't know how to act around her, and I don't know what kind of a reputation I'm getting because of being around her. I don't want to "drop" her, because I've seen that I'm the only girl she consistently hangs out with...and I have a bunch of other people I hang out with at school, so I feel like I may be her only friend, but I'm not sure. Treat her exactly the same as your other friends, act the same around her.
If you feel comfortable, ask her who her other friends are.
I just don't know how to let her know that some of the really tactless things she says make me uncomfortable, how her shameless pursuit of this guy makes me uncomfortable, and how her know-it-all attitude makes me uncomfortable. I guess I should also ask you guys to pray for me, because my attitude about this is not as good as it could be. When she says something that's not tactful, or makes you feel uncomfortable, just tell her straight up. It would be easier to do that just after she's said something than trying to explain what she does that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Hope this helps
Answer:
Originally Posted by nards Reading this makes me wonder what happened to her specifically in jr. high. If you feel comfortable, it mgith be worth trying to find out what happened then as it sounds like, possibly, she shut down in maturity etc at that age, that happens with really traumatic experiences.
If you dont feel comfortable helping her deal with that (or simply finding out what happened, which would give you a bit more of an understanding as to why she acts the way she does) then suggest she gets help for that, it fully depends how bad you think that is.
the only thing I'm worried about is offending her. like, I'm not sure how I could go up to her and ask about that. like, I know that she's a younger sibling, and her older sister is very talented. she's fairly pretty, too (I saw her on thursday) and she was an accomplished dancer and stuff. I also know that she struggles with her weight, and I think that makes her feel uncomfortable. we're similar in our views on clothing and stuff, and I think that helps me click with her somewhat, but yeah.
we were talking about ourselves in elementary school, and another girl and I were discussing how we were the "bad" kids or whatever...like, she was a bully of sorts and I was just a very tall girl so that somehow intimidated all the boys, and she mentioned that she was the one made fun of in school...like, the children would pull her chair out from under her and would tease her and call her names.
I also know that she has a rather embarrassing and seemingly incurable medical condition that comes and goes, and as I was present when it happened one time pretty recently, I am the only one who knows about this outside of her family. I would never tell anyone about it, and she knows that, but I don't think that it's cause for her to be insecure around me, because although I was sympathetic, I also played it down enough that I think she realized that while I care, I didn't want to make a big deal about it as to not embarrass her.
my mom asked me if she'd ever had a boyfriend, to which I said I doubted it, and my mom then said she didn't seem like she'd ever had a boyfriend. I think that may account for a little bit of the shyness (to some extent) and immaturity, but then again, I've never had a boyfriend either and I don't act the same way around guys.
This sounds very much like she feels the need to prove herself, the only suggestion I have for this is make her realise she doesn't have to say/know all that stuff to make friends and that she can be a good friends without knowing it.
yeah. I know. how would you suggest I approach her about it? should I sit down with her? write her a letter?
Can you eloborate on this statement? What personalities do you two have? Beliefs, are you both Christian or what?
umm. personality-wise...like I said, she's pretty shameless about pursuing this guy, and it's kind of sad..he's not interested in her that I can tell. honestly, I think she makes him uncomfortable. anyways, the reason I mentioned this is because she seems to want to change to fit different people's expectations or desires. like...I got my hopes up several months ago because she started asking me about christianity and my faith and beliefs and stuff, and as it turned out, she was only asking because he's a christian as well (he actually attends my former church. my brother sees him there all the time) and because he won't even consider dating a girl who's not a christian. so, she thought if she "converted" he would consider her. also...she's not afraid to make "shocking" statements as I mentioned.
as for beliefs...she's not christian, as mentioned above. it doesn't make that much of a difference in our every-day conversations, beyond the fact that I pray for her and am still hopeful that God will win her over, and she's very accepting of other peoples' opinions and beliefs. I think the thing that worries me the most is her willingness to adapt to how she feels people want her to be.
When she says something that's not tactful, or makes you feel uncomfortable, just tell her straight up. It would be easier to do that just after she's said something than trying to explain what she does that makes you feel uncomfortable.
that sounds like a good idea. I can't do it in the classroom, but I'll try to start doing it when it's just us.
thanks to both of you. if you have any more ideas, either after reading this response or just a random revelation in the middle of the night, please let me know.