Question:
I'm posting this thread for a couple of reasons. On one hand, I'm sincerely seeking advice, and on the other hand it's a way for me to just get all my feelings out. So please bear with me.
I'm a CGR regular. A lot of you probably know me by name. However, I'll let you know a little about me for the sake of this thread. I'm 18 and am about to head off to Texas A&M on Saturday. I've never had a girlfriend in my life, and I honestly can't say I've ever cared about a girl enough to merit a real dating relationship. That is, until recently.
I've always been kind of shy around girls, and because of that, I've never had any really close girl friends. However, for some reason, I've become extremely close to a girl this summer. She was a mutual friend of four or five good friends of mine, so we started hanging out together in that group. For some reason, we developed a very strong relationship after two months and recently have been doing a lot of things together. We've just gotten along so well.. and in three months I've shared as much with her as I've ever shared with any of my closest guy friends. There's just an outstanding level of trust between us and we regularly talk about our lives and our feelings, or spiritual things or just whatever.
I just feel like there's a real potential for a relationship because I've started out with the right priorities - we just started as friends. As we've grown closer I've started to develop feelings for her. She is one of the Godliest women I know and thus far we've had a very edifying relationship as far as our spiritual walk is concerned. To make the situation even more interesting, I've been told by many of my friends that we seem to get along incredibly well, and one has even told me that she has feelings for me.
So what is the problem? Well, a couple of things. I first off want to make sure that a relationship is what is best for us. I don't want to date just for the sake of dating. So far, I feel pretty confident that dating is the logical next step for the two of us. However, while I may feel ready to share my feelings now, I don't know if it is the right timing. We're both going to be freshmen at Texas A&M, but with the stress and change and time it takes to get settled at a new place, I feel like it would be a mistake to ask her right now. The third problem is my demon, the thing I've always struggled with, and that's my own self-confidence. I've never really thought of myself as attractive (or unattractive for that matter, though), I don't have any prior experience with dating relationships, and I'm cynical and skeptical by nature. I mean, even when my inclination tells me that she has feelings for me, and even when one of my closest friends told me what he knew about her feelings towards me, I'm still hesitant. I don't want to share my feelings and try to initiate a relationshp and end up hurting our friendship.
Is this normal?
Should I wait it out a bit?
Thank you for your patience, and at the very least letting me get all of that out of my head for now.
Answer:
You sound quite normal in your self assessment. Don't let that part bother you. Keep in mind that women are only secondarily attracted to men by looks. They're interested in the character of a man more than the looks thing and it sounds to me like you've invested quite a bit of time there already.
Let me ask you a couple of questions:
Have you prayed about it?
If so, what does God have to say?
Are you secretly hoping that she will make the first move?
What are you waiting for? No, really, what are you waiting for. This is a valid question.
Keep in mind that this young woman may never know how you feel if you don't talk to her about it. The two of you can still maintain a close relationship without actually dating even if both of you know that there is an attraction there. You've established rapport with this person. Talk to her.
Bob
Spearfish, SD
Answer:
I started going out with Catherine after a very similar situation; she was sort of a mutual friend / church friend, who I grew closer to in the span of a few months, and eventually started dating right before entering college. We didn't go to the same schools, and there were plenty of other difficulties. I have grown, however, to find the "You're going to go through so many changes" rationale for not dating 'til after high-school, after college, after whatever else to be rather silly. Reba sings "Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same," and she's spot on; if your relationship has as its only adversary the fact that things are going to change, go right ahead and try it. A relationship that can't cope with change is doomed to fail eventually anyway; you might as well find out how well it can cope during a time of intense change, rather than wait until things are stable only to be hit by inevitable change down the road that tears up a [then revealed to be] weak relationship.
I suppose I could try to tell you that I might have been wiser to wait a few years, but things would have... you guessed it... changed. Although beginning a relationship right before a rather tumultuous undergraduate career has made for some difficulties and a rather long relationship (in comparison to most), there might have been no relationship at all if I had waited a few more years. Her feelings might have changed; mine might have; other things might have changed. Because I "went for it" four years ago, we've been able to develop and strengthen our relationship through the years of change that college represents. My relationship is certainly not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and I probably would not advise you to take the same exact path that I have taken, but I have a four-year strong relationship now with a girl whom I love and whom I will marry and spend my life with. I might have had a different girl with the same characteristics had I chosen differently four years ago concerning this relationship, but I saw in Catherine the person I wanted to be with and I chose to pursue that.
That was a long post for nothing. Ha.
Answer:
Originally Posted by BRBob Have you prayed about it?
Yes.
If so, what does God have to say?
I don't really know how to respond to this. I mean, I'm not going to tell you that I hear the audible voice of God telling me to do anything, but what I have prayed for is wisdom and discernment, and basically that His will be done. If I were to be honest with myself and the situation I'd say that there is no reason why we shouldn't be in a relationship. We're both level-headed and honest and haven't been afraid to call each other out thus far in our friendship.
Are you secretly hoping that she will make the first move?
Haha, well of course that would make things easy. I know I'm the guy and I really should have the guts to be the initiator. I realize I need to make myself vulnerable. That's something that deep down I want to do, but I wish it were easier! If that makes any sense. Keep in mind, I'm certainly no pro at this relationship business.
What are you waiting for? No, really, what are you waiting for. This is a valid question.
Part of me wants more time to make sure, but the other part of me wants so bad to just be honest and let her know how I feel. Thing is, I don't want the feeling to not be mutual and end up ruining a good friendship.
Keep in mind that this young woman may never know how you feel if you don't talk to her about it. The two of you can still maintain a close relationship without actually dating even if both of you know that there is an attraction there. You've established rapport with this person. Talk to her.
Thanks, Bob. I just don't know what to expect, I guess. I really really want what's best for both of us, and I just pray that I'm doing the right thing.
Interestingly enough, we've actually talked about our views on dating in high school and why we haven't really done much dating. She's the same way I am: we're both self-dependent and hold strong to our own convictions. We're not the kind of people who actively seek relationships just to have a relationship; we're not overly needy. I remember being really impressed when she said something to the tune of "I hate it when people say things like 'Oh, they're my other half.' No, they're not your other half - you were and still are your own person."
I'll keep praying. Thanks for the perspective, though. I sincerely appreciate it.
Answer:
Bob asked some very good questions and i think he summed it up the best
Answer:
Originally Posted by Shredcheddar Is this normal?
Answer:
I would like to point out that the whole concept of not dating someone because you are about to enter college and there will be lots of changes is ill concieved
If you adhere to that kind of theory and believe it to be true, you will never be able to form deep relationships because you will constantly put it off 'till life settles down'.
You won't be able to date between high and college because of the changes,
You won't be able to start a relationship in college because there will be lots of changes when you finish and get a job,
You won't be able to start a relationship when you get a new job because you will need time to settle in,
But what if the company wants to transfer you? You had better not start a relationship because a transfer would mean lots of changes
Then you might like to change jobs.............
Life is all about changes: as the saying goes 'change is as a good as a holiday'.... which doesn't really apply to anything....
What i'm trying to say is don't let the fear of things changing stop you from developing this relationship further, if you believe the idea that you shouldn't start relationships until your life settles down, you are going to be by yourself for a long long time.
It sounds like you have thought it out, that the relationship is based on a good friendship and that you need to take the next step. Just talk with her, see how she feels and take it from there.
Answer:
Holy cow....if I didn't know better I'd thought that I had typed this. This sounds pretty much like me a month or so ago i'd guess. Take your whole story on meeting her, and the friends informing you of her feelings(those same friends telling her I had feelings)...and the conection you have with her...yea we're in the same boat. okay...on topic
Is it inherently a right or wrong? No. Do you need to share with her your feelings? Yes. I believe that sometimes God put situations in our lives that don't have a "right" or "wrong" answer. He just wants to see how we deal with it. If you do get in a relationship is it going to be self-serving, or God centered? Keep in mind that if you do tell her/ask her to be your gf, that she may turn you down...as happened to me. I prayed before I asked her that if she did turn me down, that God would give the strength and peace to not be shaken by it. And, guess what? We are closer friends now than we were. Just respect her descision in all cases, and keep God at the forefront of your relationship. Good luck!
Adam
Answer:
I had a similar thing happen to me this summer, too. However, we're not really at the age where we can really date, although we both know we like each other.
Answer:
I know that from my personal experience, i almost blew it b/c i wanted to wait too long to ask my current girlfriend out. I wanted to be completely assured that she truly had feelings for me (i have a self-confidence problem, too), but the whole time i was really hurting her by making her wait on me to reveal my feelings.
Anyway, it sounds like you two have a great relationship right now, and dating is the next logical step. Plus, it will probably be really nice to have a close relationship like that with someone when you are going off to college.
Just pray about it, and do what you feel God would have you do. I know my girlfriend is very Godly and has helped me grow closer to Christ than ever before, so maybe He has put her in your life for a similar reason.
Answer:
Thanks for all the help, guys. I worked myself up to it and asked her to be my date to a little thing Aggies call midnight yell, whereafter we then just sat down and talked openly about how we felt. Nothing that either of us told each other really suprised us at all; we were each in the same boat the whole time.
We are both quite pleased. So, there you have it, proof that the Dating & Relationships forum is successful. Thanks and gig 'em.