Question:
In a way I am venting here as well as requesting advice ... but here is the sticky situation, very watered down.
My girlfriend and I of a few months have a good relationship. The problem is that she is good friends with her ex-boyfriend. Last weekend her ex-boyfriends brother called her to come calm him down from getting in a fight for some reason or another, and she saw some old friends and ended up staying the night at his place on the couch. She sweared up and down that nothing happened, and came right out and told me the story without me even asking about her night. I was a bit upset, and I took the day off away from her to collect my thoughts.
The following week (this past week) we went on vacation together with two other friends to her cabin. She text messaged him fairly regularly, and they spoke on the phone once in a while. Usually done in a semi-discreet manner. Not so much that I wouldn't find out (because she knows that I know she talks to him) ... but moreso in an effort not to make me upset by seeing her on the phone with him, I think.
Tonight I happened to drive by (shame on me) and I noticed his car was in the driveway very late at night.
She claims he has some messed up family problems, and she is the only one he can really talk to. Why does he have to spend the night? Especially after she knew how upset it made me the first time?
I've confronted her about it and told her I didn't like it, but I really feel like she is ditching me (usually making an excuse about being tired or hurt and wanting to relax and go to sleep) in favor of him.
I'm to the point that I'm considering just cutting everything off and nipping it in the bud ... which hurts because when she is with me she seems genuinely caring and I feel the same way, even though it is hard to show it sometimes because of what I think of the current situation.
I just don't know what to do ....
Answer:
So the way I'm seeing the situation is it could either be two things:
1) That it's only been a few months you two have been together, and it really hasn't been enough time for her to adjust to having you be her boyfriend, where she is not a constant supporter for her ex. In this case you'll probably need to give it a lot of prayer and try to get her to see how much contact withher ex that you both can agree on. I'm sure she still care a lot about her ex still, and she should, and she could be feeling obligated to help him in anyway with his problems, but you should take the steps to establish where you both are on this issue.
2) She really is making excuses to be with her ex, and she hasn't yet really broken off that relationship, and unfortunately, you get somewhat stuck in that by being her current boyfriend. In which case your relationship really is built on false pretenses, and should probably not exist.
I'd advise that you find out which of the two is most relavent (preferably by straight out asking her), and then taking the due course of action. Prayer is also good, as always.
Answer:
To some degree, I've been that ex, and the reason she and I stayed good friends was because I'm really bad at letting a relationship drop suddenly. When she finally told me that we shouldn't talk anymore (because she was upset), it hurt quite a bit. What I wanted to do was support her in her new relationship, but apparently I couldn't.
Talk to her about it once more, tell her honestly that you're jealous, and that it's straining how you feel. Talk it out, and don't unilaterally decide. she has a stake in your relationship too, and she should be a part of how it proceeds or ends.
Answer:
Oooh yeah, I wouldn't be a big fan of that if it happened to me. There's no reason for a guy to go over to a girls house late at night, especially if it's not his girlfriend, ESPECIALLY if it's his ex. There is nothing that could be so important that couldn't have been handled on a phone call or could have waited until the next day.
Talk to your girlfriend about it...
And I'd even consider talking to the ex about it. Don't be mean about it, but be clear and firm that you don't really want him spending the night at your girlfriend's house.
Answer:
if that was happening to me.. i think i would beat the guy senseless... but i have an anger problem. that is BAD. dont do anything like that man.
going behind your back and letting him stay the night like that is low. but i would have to agree with the others on this one and say that you should talk to her again. maybe talking more about her reasons for seeing him like this will get you a better understanding of the situation?
in the end, none of us can make the decision for you buddy. so if you really like this girl, pray about it. God knows more about this than any of us do and He will have the best piece of advice for you.
God bless man
Answer:
Originally Posted by Kevin071586 In a way I am venting here as well as requesting advice ... but here is the sticky situation, very watered down.
My girlfriend and I of a few months have a good relationship. The problem is that she is good friends with her ex-boyfriend. Last weekend her ex-boyfriends brother called her to come calm him down from getting in a fight for some reason or another, and she saw some old friends and ended up staying the night at his place on the couch. She sweared up and down that nothing happened, and came right out and told me the story without me even asking about her night. I was a bit upset, and I took the day off away from her to collect my thoughts.
The following week (this past week) we went on vacation together with two other friends to her cabin. She text messaged him fairly regularly, and they spoke on the phone once in a while. Usually done in a semi-discreet manner. Not so much that I wouldn't find out (because she knows that I know she talks to him) ... but moreso in an effort not to make me upset by seeing her on the phone with him, I think.
Tonight I happened to drive by (shame on me) and I noticed his car was in the driveway very late at night.
She claims he has some messed up family problems, and she is the only one he can really talk to. Why does he have to spend the night? Especially after she knew how upset it made me the first time?
I've confronted her about it and told her I didn't like it, but I really feel like she is ditching me (usually making an excuse about being tired or hurt and wanting to relax and go to sleep) in favor of him.
I'm to the point that I'm considering just cutting everything off and nipping it in the bud ... which hurts because when she is with me she seems genuinely caring and I feel the same way, even though it is hard to show it sometimes because of what I think of the current situation.
I just don't know what to do ....
A few questions before I give my opinion:
1.) Were your girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend sexually active while they were together?
2.) Do you have any female friends/ex girlfriends that you speak with or hang out with quite a bit?
3.)How long ago did they break up? Why did they break up?
4.) Did you drive by her house to check and see if he was there? did you have a feeling he would be before you went?
5.) How old are you, your girl, and her ex?
I can give you some pretty good advice if you answer these questions.
Thanks.
Answer:
Thanks for the advice guys, in the end I decided to just nip it in the bud. We talked, and I brought everything out into the open and just layed it on the table and simply stated that once was enough and twice was a deal breaker. She had some issues of her own to deal with, so we called it quits.
Thanks,
Kevin
P.S. SeekerOfLight: very good questions. I can see where you'd be going with them, all very relevant. Thanks for the insight.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Kevin071586 Thanks for the advice guys, in the end I decided to just nip it in the bud. We talked, and I brought everything out into the open and just layed it on the table and simply stated that once was enough and twice was a deal breaker. She had some issues of her own to deal with, so we called it quits.
Thanks,
Kevin
P.S. SeekerOfLight: very good questions. I can see where you'd be going with them, all very relevant. Thanks for the insight.
Best of Luck.
Answer:
well....
that is a sad story...
I ma sad now
Answer:
Originally Posted by Kevin071586 Thanks for the advice guys, in the end I decided to just nip it in the bud. We talked, and I brought everything out into the open and just layed it on the table and simply stated that once was enough and twice was a deal breaker. She had some issues of her own to deal with, so we called it quits.
Thanks,
Kevin
P.S. SeekerOfLight: very good questions. I can see where you'd be going with them, all very relevant. Thanks for the insight.
I would say that was a wise decision... just to encourage you, bro.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Crandell if that was happening to me.. i think i would beat the guy senseless... but i have an anger problem. that is BAD. dont do anything like that man.
Me too.
In a similar situation, someone on this site told me this.
"fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."
I trust you made the right decision.
Answer:
I'm sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend aren't together anymore, but it would appear you did the right thing. I wish you the best of luck.