Question:
I need to know if I am being unreasonable. Please tell the truth.
Before I get started, I want to acknowledge the fact that I was very wrong for flying off the handle and saying a curse word when I was provoked by my wifes aunt. So I already know...that was wrong. I just want to know, if you guys think I was really being provoked or not. Or if it was just my imagination.
Ok, it was 10:30 pm when we get the phone call from my sister-in-law saying that my wifes aunt, rhonda, was in town and wanted to see us. This was our absolute FIRST NOTICE OF HER EVEN COMING. I told my wife "since you have to work until 5 tommorow, and I really need help with the Algebra test I am going to be having on thursday...we should go over tonight, just make sure and tell them we are booked up until thursday morning after my test"
So my wife calls them and tells them what I said, and also that we are on our way. The first thing that my wife's aunt does when we get there is ask what 'we (not my wife and I, but US and THEM) are going to be doing tommorow" So I once again remind her and my wife that I need help with my algebra since I am completely lost and dont understand most of this section. Then about 10 minutes later, her aunt asks if we want to go eat dinner with them tommorow. I said "sure, but I would rather EAT OUT than cook dinner at home and EAT IN...because the latter takes longer". And her aunt, in a really condecending manner, roles her eyes, exhales loudly and says 'i want to spend time with my niece'. I said, "i understand but we didnt know you were even coming until half an hour ago...and I need her help in order to pass this test". He keeps up with her smart attitude and repeats her comment about 'coming to visit her neice'....and this is when i get angry (which was very wrong) and stood up and said "F*&k this S%*t, I am not going to take this crap".
Then she goes off on me. And tells me that its my own fault that I don't understand algebra. That I am stupid and its my own fault, and my wife shouldnt have to help me with my class. And that 'from the moment you got here, have been trying to keep her away from me'.
In reality, my wife is very forgetfull.So I kept reminding her, so that she wouldnt make plans for the time she was going to help me with this chapter. Otherwise, she would have made plans.
If I really cared, and didnt want her to see her aunt. I would have never volunteered to take her to see her aunt at 10:30 at night. I would have just told her to wait. The issue, was that her aunt wants to control our lives. Right before she went off, she had been 'telling us' how to fix our lives. The crap that really annoying family members tell you...when they think they have it all figured out.
anyways. I know I was wrong to get yell and cuss. But was I wrong to get angry?
Answer:
nonot at all. ya the cussing etc isn't the righteous way to hanfle the anger but the anger was righteous. you were wronged and its understandable. i dont know what to say except pray that #1 your aunt in law will give yall a break and #2 if she doesn't that you can learn to somehow deal with it.
Answer:
Given the fact that you're married, what your wife thinks of the situation seems to be the most important issue at hand here... and you haven't given allusion to her feelings at all. What does she think?
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate Given the fact that you're married, what your wife thinks of the situation seems to be the most important issue at hand here... and you haven't given allusion to her feelings at all. What does she think?
She is angry at me for going off. She would prefer that I just sit and 'take it' like the rest of her family does when it comes to this one aunt in particular. But she is also angry at her aunt for calling me stupid...and she understands that I need help with my tests....and that I wasnt trying to keep her away from her aunt.
And once I explained.... my reasoning for wanting to eat out instead...she agreed with me.
(#1) It wont take as long in terms of time spent (#2) Although its less time, its more quality time. Because eating at home would involve having to serve everyone, pickup and cleanup...and this is a really big family. maybe 10-12 people would be there (#3) Her aunt is very sneaky and would try to keep us later and later if we went to the house....being OUT would allow us to leave when everyone else did and not cause a big commotion.
Answer:
Perhaps the simplest solution in the future would be to make plans with the aunt yourself (meaning you and your wife) before she has time to concoct any ideas that would not fit into your schedules. Just say, "We're surprised that you are in town; you didn't tell us you were coming. We have other obligations [no need to defend this claim, by the way; when you start to defend yourself, it's almost a surefire way to start a debate, since it signals an argument] this week, but we would love to take you out to dinner at Joe's over on Main at 6:00 on Tuesday. When should we pick you up?" I think you going over at 10:30 at night to see the aunt was definitely a bad move; that just told her that she was in control of the situation, which probably just fed her desire for control even more. It seems like you should have called her up, explained that you would discuss with your wife a time to meet her, and told her you would call her tomorrow morning with a more definite plan. The more control you claim for yourself at the onset, the easier it should be to retain that control. You're not required to defend your schedule to anyone; if you really can't do something (i.e. don't make up excuses in your mind just to "get off the hook"), just tell them a time that will work for you, leave it at that, and let them decide whether they want control or whether they actually want to spend time with you.
I sound like Dear Abby.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate Perhaps the simplest solution in the future would be to make plans with the aunt yourself (meaning you and your wife) before she has time to concoct any ideas that would not fit into your schedules. Just say, "We're surprised that you are in town; you didn't tell us you were coming. We have other obligations [no need to defend this claim, by the way; when you start to defend yourself, it's almost a surefire way to start a debate, since it signals an argument] this week, but we would love to take you out to dinner at Joe's over on Main at 6:00 on Tuesday. When should we pick you up?" I think you going over at 10:30 at night to see the aunt was definitely a bad move; that just told her that she was in control of the situation, which probably just fed her desire for control even more. It seems like you should have called her up, explained that you would discuss with your wife a time to meet her, and told her you would call her tomorrow morning with a more definite plan. The more control you claim for yourself at the onset, the easier it should be to retain that control. You're not required to defend your schedule to anyone; if you really can't do something (i.e. don't make up excuses in your mind just to "get off the hook"), just tell them a time that will work for you, leave it at that, and let them decide whether they want control or whether they actually want to spend time with you.
I sound like Dear Abby.
Def Good advice. You might sound like Dear Abby, but that isnt a bad thing. I totally agree with you on not letting her have the 'power position'. She is a control freak and a half, and after your advice it is really obvious that I let her bring me onto unstable ground on HER terms. And without any control of my own, it was much easier of me to lose control of my emotions and have an outburst. I appreciate your unput. Now 'back to the books'.
Answer:
I actually deal with this sort of thing on a semi-regular basis. Case in point: Got a call Sunday night at 10:30p from the in-laws saying they wanted to take the kids to a 'water park' on Monday an hour away from where we were. Anyway, what I/we do is basically what Nate suggested: we tell them that we already have prior committments and try and make alternate plans that fit ours and their schedule.
This blew up in our face one time, though just to warn you. It was an important event and we were told on short notice about it (about 5 days before), but were unable to reschedule our previously made plans. We were accussed of being selfish, self-centered, and a myriad of other things. What's funny is that the important event could have easily been rescheduled (wasn't a wedding or funeral) while our committment was immovable. It also showed the true colors of a particular segment of the family and so it was useful in that way (we know how to deal with them in certain respects now).
The difference for me is that my in-laws are not trying to be controlling... they are just... spontaneous, but it's still the same circumstance regardless I think. They do generally react well when we tell them that we can't make it to something so maybe there is a difference there.
Answer:
Originally Posted by exo I actually deal with this sort of thing on a semi-regular basis. Case in point: Got a call Sunday night at 10:30p from the in-laws saying they wanted to take the kids to a 'water park' on Monday an hour away from where we were. Anyway, what I/we do is basically what Nate suggested: we tell them that we already have prior committments and try and make alternate plans that fit ours and their schedule.
This blew up in our face one time, though just to warn you. It was an important event and we were told on short notice about it (about 5 days before), but were unable to reschedule our previously made plans. We were accussed of being selfish, self-centered, and a myriad of other things. What's funny is that the important event could have easily been rescheduled (wasn't a wedding or funeral) while our committment was immovable. It also showed the true colors of a particular segment of the family and so it was useful in that way (we know how to deal with them in certain respects now).
The difference for me is that my in-laws are not trying to be controlling... they are just... spontaneous, but it's still the same circumstance regardless I think. They do generally react well when we tell them that we can't make it to something so maybe there is a difference there.
My wifes aunt, is stuck in the mind-set that Randi (my wife) is still a little girl. We have been married for 3 years now, and they still treat me like they did when they were telling her not to marry me. They still act like I am non-existant. They are always telling us how to run our life, how to manage our finances, where we should move to after school, how we should do this and that...etc. I sit by most of the time and let them say whatever they want, but after three years I am quickly coming to the end of my rope. I am convinced that the reason my sister-in-laws 2 1/2 year marriage came to an end is because of the way in which this family treats the people that marry into it.
This women has the audacity to think that our entire schedule should be put on hold, even if it means failing a class that I have paid 1,000+ to take, if she has taken the time out of her precious schedule to come down. And the thing that really bugs me is that she never calls...so it isnt as if they are even close at all. She comes down from chicago....and assumes that the world will stop revolving...even though she makes no attempt via phone or e-mail to corrsepond with my wife ALL YEAR LONG. And when she isnt telling us how to run our life....she is talking about Kirk Camerons program "The Masters Touch...or The masters way"...which really infuriates me. If you arent living a Christ-like life..it is an abominatino IMO to go around acting as if you are.
but her whole family is like that. I have had to deal with it from day one. I just figured they would grow out of it. But the only thing that is changing, is the wearing down of my patience when it comes to taking lip from her family about how to run my life.
Answer:
Originally Posted by SeekerOLight My wifes aunt, is stuck in the mind-set that Randi (my wife) is still a little girl. We have been married for 3 years now, and they still treat me like they did when they were telling her not to marry me. They still act like I am non-existant. They are always telling us how to run our life, how to manage our finances, where we should move to after school, how we should do this and that...etc. I sit by most of the time and let them say whatever they want, but after three years I am quickly coming to the end of my rope. I am convinced that the reason my sister-in-laws 2 1/2 year marriage came to an end is because of the way in which this family treats the people that marry into it.
This women has the audacity to think that our entire schedule should be put on hold, even if it means failing a class that I have paid 1,000+ to take, if she has taken the time out of her precious schedule to come down. And the thing that really bugs me is that she never calls...so it isnt as if they are even close at all. She comes down from chicago....and assumes that the world will stop revolving...even though she makes no attempt via phone or e-mail to corrsepond with my wife ALL YEAR LONG. And when she isnt telling us how to run our life....she is talking about Kirk Camerons program "The Masters Touch...or The masters way"...which really infuriates me. If you arent living a Christ-like life..it is an abominatino IMO to go around acting as if you are.
but her whole family is like that. I have had to deal with it from day one. I just figured they would grow out of it. But the only thing that is changing, is the wearing down of my patience when it comes to taking lip from her family about how to run my life.
Yeah, you marry into a family don't ya. I feel your pain for sure (and so does my wife! Haha.).
I think the advice above still stands. This (you and your wife) is your family now and when the kids come, this becomes even vitally more important to recognize. I mean, are you going to miss out on your kid's game because auntie comes to town? I think not.
It also sounds like your wife maybe needs to grow a stronger back bone towards her family (no offense intended towards your wife, of course). Since she is used to this behaviour, it probably seems like par for the course for her and she finds it easier to just play along (since it has been easier to do that with just herself).
BTW, they will never change. You have to at least assume that barring a miracle of Christ. I think accepting that fact is important in dealing with them because instead of appeasing them time and time again hoping that that will somehow change them into wonderful human beings, you can deal with reality. It kinda goes like this:
The reality is that (some of) my in-laws are disrespectful to this marriage/family (my wife and I). The reality is that I am married, committed, in for the long haul and this is my family (my wife and I) now. As such, this family and its functioning take priority over ALL (and I do mean all) other things (save The Lord of course). I should now make decisions according to this reality and not a reality that I hope will be.
It may seem a little harsh from time to time and you DO need to NOT use it as an excuse to not be with her family, because another reality is that they are a part of your extended family which is important. Basically, I ask myself the question: What's the right thing to do? And I use my priority model to make a good decision with God coming first, my immediate family second (wife and I and kids), and then extended family, etc.
This has made it a heck of a lot easier for me in my dealings with the in-laws. It also has made me more relaxed, because I know I'm making the right decision for the right priorities in my life.
If you want Bible verses, I can supply some, but to put it simply, you are now the head of this particular family to which God has called you. Also, you two are now one flesh with one another and have been separated from your previous family (mom and dad). You aren't one flesh with her aunt or her sister or her dog, but with her, and you guys are starting your own family unit now. It's important for your wife to realize these realities as well lest she continues to allow her family to do what they are doing.
Answer:
Originally Posted by exo Yeah, you marry into a family don't ya. I feel your pain for sure (and so does my wife! Haha.).
I think the advice above still stands. This (you and your wife) is your family now and when the kids come, this becomes even vitally more important to recognize. I mean, are you going to miss out on your kid's game because auntie comes to town? I think not.
It also sounds like your wife maybe needs to grow a stronger back bone towards her family (no offense intended towards your wife, of course). Since she is used to this behaviour, it probably seems like par for the course for her and she finds it easier to just play along (since it has been easier to do that with just herself).
BTW, they will never change. You have to at least assume that barring a miracle of Christ. I think accepting that fact is important in dealing with them because instead of appeasing them time and time again hoping that that will somehow change them into wonderful human beings, you can deal with reality. It kinda goes like this:
The reality is that (some of) my in-laws are disrespectful to this marriage/family (my wife and I). The reality is that I am married, committed, in for the long haul and this is my family (my wife and I) now. As such, this family and its functioning take priority over ALL (and I do mean all) other things (save The Lord of course). I should now make decisions according to this reality and not a reality that I hope will be.
It may seem a little harsh from time to time and you DO need to NOT use it as an excuse to not be with her family, because another reality is that they are a part of your extended family which is important. Basically, I ask myself the question: What's the right thing to do? And I use my priority model to make a good decision with God coming first, my immediate family second (wife and I and kids), and then extended family, etc.
This has made it a heck of a lot easier for me in my dealings with the in-laws. It also has made me more relaxed, because I know I'm making the right decision for the right priorities in my life.
If you want Bible verses, I can supply some, but to put it simply, you are now the head of this particular family to which God has called you. Also, you two are now one flesh with one another and have been separated from your previous family (mom and dad). You aren't one flesh with her aunt or her sister or her dog, but with her, and you guys are starting your own family unit now. It's important for your wife to realize these realities as well lest she continues to allow her family to do what they are doing.
I would appreciate those verses. It would have been alot more productive to respond with scripture instead of ignorant, hot-headed lunacy. Thanks for your kind words...you have helped me make alot of sense out of a sticky situation.
Answer:
One other thought is that you might not want to bend your schedule. My family is notorious for this sort of thing. After a couple times of showing up without warning and nobody was home, they kinda got the picture, a little bit.
One thing you have to do that I have found is as politely as possible be vague about prior commitments they will not understand.
I also refuse to let them set my agenda. (My family are the control freaks, hers are not too bad.)