Question:
The idea of asking advice from near strangers to my situation doesn't thrill me, as it's often difficult to explain everything in much detail, and just as hard to give proper advice for each individual situation, though an outside perspective at this time is probably best, so I suppose I'll begin somewhere.
I am, by definition, single. I never previously had any plans for that to change, as I really didn't need a relationship and found no one suitable. Or perhaps no one found me suitable, but whatever the case, it's how things were.
It must have been nearly half a year ago that I came upon a fellow, and we talked and were friendly, and that's how things were. At that time, he was in a relationship himself, and I suppose I came along as it began falling apart, for a few weeks, maybe a month, afterwards, they were apart, and the poor thing was hurting, and I blame it on chance that I was there at the time to help in any way. Even so, feelings might have developed beforehand, not on my part. I'm not sure.
I'm likely going to quit making sense soon, so I'll only say that it has become one such friendship where things are much more than friendly. Not on the outside, but rather, between only him and myself. And for quite awhile now, that's how things have been.
I'll mention for a moment that I've grown very used to that sort of friendship, and so far, nothing's come of it except for once, and I'll not get into that.
In any case, I won't deny that he loves me very, very much. He has for quite some time, and it's pleasant to know.
Things between us now are more like that of a relationship than ever before. Yet, one doesn't exist. And that's fine, it doesn't necessarily need to, I understand.
But the fact remains that we are so close. Things are indeed more than friendly, and there is much affection exchanged (in words, mind you, nothing physical). Much more though than in even a very close friendship.
I won't lie, it's very nice.
In essence, in everything we do, it's as if there is a relationship there. The only thing missing (besides meetings with families and dates and all) is commitment.
Several times now I've attempted to do away with a lot of the affection shared, and turn it into what it truly is at this time - a platonic friendship. Several times now I've failed, but that's beside the point. I surely would want more than what currently exists, but it isn't going to happen. I've heard many reasons for why there isn't yet a relationship, and I believe it comes down to the fact that he doesn't want one at this time. And then he'll be in college, and so on...
That, I understand. However, things are still as they are. We still act very much as if we're committed, and everything else but commitment is exchanged (again, within reason).
This upsets me, and he realizes it. I would be alright with a mere friendship, and I'd like a serious relationship as well. But this... this is right in the middle, and it nearly hurts to give as if I were with him, and to receive as if I were with him, and to hear over and over again that I am not with him.
It does wear me out, and it's more difficult to step back than to step forward, which is perhaps why I've failed all these times.
After all of this, I suppose I wonder if I've good reason to be upset and bothered with things as they are. A relationship will not happen soon, and it's a maybe as to if it will in the future. I still don't need one. I also don't need this, this silly fooling around.
So yes, I am asking if it's foolish of me to be upset over something that seems so minor. Everything else goes well, we get along, and it is, for the most part, kept between us. Is it just silly of me to want all of it rather than part of it?
As this is in the advice section, anyone at all is free to advise what to do, though I'm not necessarily asking for that. I'll be open to suggestions.
Answer:
Sorry it's so long. But does anyone have a thing to say?
Answer:
Have you talked about it with him?
Answer:
I have. Many times.
Answer:
Assuming you are alright with "dating" him (or whatever you want to call it):
Question: "I am interested in dating you, are you interested in dating me?"
His reply: "Yes, I am interested in dating you" (yay) or "No, I am not", then...
Your reply: "In that case, we need to stop acting as if we were" and you do so.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate Assuming you are alright with "dating" him (or whatever you want to call it):
Question: "I am interested in dating you, are you interested in dating me?"
His reply: "Yes, I am interested in dating you" (yay) or "No, I am not", then...
Your reply: "In that case, we need to stop acting as if we were" and you do so.
If only it were that easy.
I'm not certain what it would be exactly, but he does want it, very much, from what I understand.
He's interested.
He doesn't want it at this time for whatever reason.
I've realized many times that we ought to quit acting as we do under the given circumstances. And several times, I think I've said so. But carrying out those plans isn't so simple when I've been used to this sort of relationship for some time, and when there's not anyone else to intervene, not anyone else that knows much about it.
Perhaps that's what I need. I'm not certain. I'm probably closer to him than anyone else at this moment, which also makes it difficult to step back a bit.
Answer:
Originally Posted by *claw* If only it were that easy.
It can be easy, but you have to want it to be.
You have to make up your mind before you can act.
I'm not certain what it would be exactly, but he does want it, very much, from what I understand.
He's interested.
He doesn't want it at this time for whatever reason.
Well, then your two choices are as follows:
a) Live with what you have right now with him;
b) Stop acting "at this time" like you are dating.
I've realized many times that we ought to quit acting as we do under the given circumstances. And several times, I think I've said so. But carrying out those plans isn't so simple when I've been used to this sort of relationship for some time, and when there's not anyone else to intervene, not anyone else that knows much about it.
Perhaps that's what I need. I'm not certain. I'm probably closer to him than anyone else at this moment, which also makes it difficult to step back a bit.
What you need to do is decide what you want out of the relationship and accept only that.
If you want to be in the situation you are in right now, that's fine, and you can continue in it.
If you want to have a commitment, you need to ask him for one and only settle for "yes, ok."
As long as you keep settling for what you have now, you'll have it and nothing else. Decide.
Answer:
I am assuming that the absence of anything physical (not meaning sexual) is because this relationship is online. Is this the case? Or am I reading incorrectly?
This is your heart we're talking about, Kayla. And heart's are easily wounded. I think it would be quite lovely of this young man to take into account that he needs to be protecting it for the gentleman that eventually will want to make a commitment to you. Obviously, the affection being exchanged is delightful enough that you keep sharing it despite the fact that it sounds like you really don't want to in present circumstances. That is completely understandable. I would be uncomfortable in the same situation.
Verbal affection can be just as potent as physical. You are very wise, Kayla, to consider it carefully.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mara's Mom I am assuming that the absence of anything physical (not meaning sexual) is because this relationship is online. Is this the case? Or am I reading incorrectly?
This is your heart we're talking about, Kayla. And heart's are easily wounded. I think it would be quite lovely of this young man to take into account that he needs to be protecting it for the gentleman that eventually will want to make a commitment to you. Obviously, the affection being exchanged is delightful enough that you keep sharing it despite the fact that it sounds like you really don't want to in present circumstances. That is completely understandable. I would be uncomfortable in the same situation.
Verbal affection can be just as potent as physical. You are very wise, Kayla, to consider it carefully.
You are indeed reading it incorrectly.
Ms, you needn't worry so much of my heart. If I may say so, this isn't quite the situation you've seen yourself. But I thank you anyway.
Nate, you're very much correct, and I know that. Heh, very blunt, but right. Thank you.
I've talked with the fellow once more, and we're going to step back. I need to do so. In a way, I would like to. And so, we'll try this again, and perhaps hard enough that it will work this time.