Question:
I am a twenty year old college sophomore male from Oklahoma. I dated a little in high school, knowing that any relationship I was involved in was very unlikely to lead anywhere. I also made a promise to myself not to date my freshman year of college in order to set a good pace for myself academically. Looking back in hindsight, this was a good choice for me. Freshman year was over and even thought I was “free” from my self-placed restrictions, I still didn’t plan on actively seeking a relationship. There were a couple of girls who were interested in me so it wasn’t due to lack of availability, but I could see myself as being happily single for the rest of my life. And since I was happy emotionally and spiritually, I just saw it as being unnecessary to be in a relationship.
This all changed one night at a local coffee shop in late November. I’m involved in one of the campus ministries at school, and there are surprisingly a lot more guys than girls active. Out of the few girls that attend worship, I never saw myself as being in a relationship with any of them. A lot of this was due to the complexity it would bring to the ministry, and out of all the couples that have gotten together and broken up within the group, somebody always leaves. This is partially due to the fact that the ministry only has about twenty to twenty-five members, and one person’s drama is everybody’s drama. As a general advertisement, I asked everybody that was hanging around the UCM if they wanted to go get coffee. A group of five or six agreed, including a girl I’ll just refer to as L. L and I have never really talked, save for the generic hello’s and how-is-your-day’s. The coffee shop was busy, and it took less than ten minutes for everybody who went to join a group of people and start talking. Surprisingly, L and I started talking and went on and on for a few hours.
Within the next few days, we immediately became good friends. I have usually never had a problem being able to be just close friends with a girl. I didn’t question her motivations either. We did some random things together, both in a group and exclusively. Two week after our coffee shop adventure, however, I asked her out. It was a Sunday night, and we went to go see a movie because it had been a while since I had done this, and I was stalling for time. We got to an empty UCM, and I asked her. She said no and yes. It was bad timing, but she did like me. She had gotten out of a relationship that ended badly a few months prior, and she was still feeling the effects of it.
Christmas break happened, and she lived about an hour and a half away from me. This didn’t stop us, however. We saw each other a few times, and things continued to go well. After the break, it didn’t take long for us to get together. Things were going well.
Bleh, I’m going to skip through the rest of the back story and just say we broke up at beginning of March and I’m absolutely heartbroken. Our “breakup” was due to me having an incredibly bad week when a close friend died, and I was misdiagnosed with cancer (before I knew it was a misdiagnosis). This ended up with us yelling at each other. She tried to fire up her old fling, and that ended worse than the first time just weeks after they got back together. So now she is single and devastated. What hurts the most right now is that it feels like I lost my best friend. She has her guard up all the time, and right now I just want to be friends with her. This all sounds like junior high bull crap. I don’t know if I should try to just be friends with her, or stay completely the hell away. We only have four months of history, I know, but even after the fuzzy feelings of a new relationship and friendship went away, things were great. Things weren’t perfect; we had to work on stuff so it is not like things went bad and we decided to end it because it was too difficult. Are there feelings still there? Yes, but right now she’s not ready for a relationship, and I’m not too sure I am either.
I’ve changed a little bit since knowing her; some for the good, some for the bad. I was not very emotional before I knew her, but that is not to say I was cold. She is very emotional, and it is something I can handle even if it is foreign to me. I was just very careful with my feelings and who I opened up to. This goes along with me being an INTJ for those familiar Myers-Briggs personality types. Especially since the breakup, this has changed a lot---I am far more emotional than I ever have been, almost to the point of being unstable in my opinion. I cry now, something I hardly ever did. I don’t think crying is weak, but it is just something I hardly ever did. I am not, and was not while we were together, as diligent in my pursuit for God. It’s tough that it takes me not being as close to God for me to realize how much closer I was to him before. This was obviously a change for the bad, and it’s something I’m trying to resolve. I prayed just as much and read my bible just as much, but I didn’t care as much. It was almost to the point of an idolatrous relationship---on both our parts actually. We were way too attached, and I think that was one of the downfalls of our relationship and friendship.
So now I’m stuck on what to do. To be honest, I like her a lot. I’ve never told a girl I loved her, and I don’t know if I would interpret my feelings now as love or not so I’m going to refrain from using the word. I want to be so selfish just by being her friend because we were great friends, but we both know that feelings are going to be there so we’ve been a little bit distant lately. She also hates men right now, which is almost understandable after what she’s been through, another reason why she’s distant. I wish I could just get “fixed” right now. I’m tired of having that feeling of emptiness in my stomach. I’m twenty years old, and this is the first time I’ve had that feeling last for more than a day. I’m trying to be very sensitive to her feelings and mine at the same time. She just broke up with this guy last week, and while they were on their three week relationship, she would call me and do something after she had a bad day with him, but it’s not a time of fun; it’s a time of her crying and me feeling like there’s nothing I can do. And now, things are just awkward between us. We both want to be friends, and possibly more, but maybe we just need time? Maybe this is God’s way of *****-slapping me and telling me I have things I need to work on that I thought were ok.
Ask questions if I wasn’t clear enough of certain things.
Answer:
you were quite clear and did a good job of telling the situation....ok man I'll try to help...but I'm going to warn you I'm not in college so I don't know if I can totally relate......but I think it's worth a shot....
you both seem to be heart-broken....now is the perfect time to reach out to her....and show her you messed up and you will be there for her despite the pain...show her you want to be great friends again (I wouldn't go for the gf thing yet, give it a little time).....when she cries offer your shoulder and offer to talk....you and her should not have to go through this alone.....
do what any great friend would do even if the girl doesn't want you to comfort her do it....because you care...not because you just want to have a girlfriend again...but show her you truly care.....
let this situation make your friendship stronger...
if you guys get back together....make sure your relationship with God isn't dampened....heck if you can make it stronger through your relationship..
hey man I hope this works out for you two....
Answer:
I know how you feel. I had a bad heartbreak in November and I still havent gotten over it. It felt like the worst pain ever and all I looked for was a way to get rid of the pain but nothing helped. I had to wait. even worse for me, the guy absolutely refused to talk to me or communicate with me leaving me to deal with my feelings without closure. It was cruel and I still have no answers, and I still hurt.
One thing about your situation though that I consider a red flag is that your ex walked away from you when you were grieving over the death of a friend and struggling with a diagnosis of cancer. Have you thought about that?
I know when you love someone its easy to overlook their faults but if you give your heart to someone to that extent, it is important to know the character of the person you are dealing with.