Question:
I am really frustrated and tired right now. I'm a full time college student and I just got a part time job, today was my first day. I worked a 6 hour shift as a security guard, which is not a big deal (but it's my first "real" job). I don't have a girlfriend, never have, I have a few friends and pretty much keep in line with continuing my education while living at home with my parents. Extenuating backstory: My dad is a pastor, I was homeschooled most of my life, I go to community college. I'm 21 years old. I don't "do" anything like go out and party. Not to be egotistical, but I believe I have a good spirit. I'm obedient to my ideals of integrity and character, to the point where I get frustrated because I don't have any fun most of the time.
(For instance, another point beside the theme of the thread, there is a pretty nice girl in my spanish class whose number I have and whose number I'd like to call and ask her if she'd like to have lunch, but I don't because it would probably just create too many problems with my life and my dad, who is, once again, the focus of this rant. Be ye not unequaly yoked together, right? Well I just want to talk to her. She's nice and how am I supposed to be a witness if I don't make relations with people? I just want to be friends, but everything so complicated. Once you get over being nervous about it you have to struggle with whether or not it's all right.)
Anyway, I go to work and Dad has a weird additude. I don't answer my phone because I don't want to fight with him on it. I do pick up just before I go into work, and he says "Just so you know if you drive your car in an agressive manner it will result in problems with the car and legal problems" or something like that. I speed down the driveway on my way out. He sounds mad, so I tell him I'm going into work and I'm sorry, then I don't answer the phone until I get home. He's mad when I get in because not answering my phone is a sign of disrespect. He yells for an hour about it and the disrespectful additude I put on by not being honest and sincere. Basicly when I got in I could tell he was mad right away (and I never know why, because he's mad so often), so I went ahead and tried to be as apologetic or polite as possible. This doesn't suit him. During our argument, nothing is really solved, but it never is. He eventualy accepts my apology, and I remain in control though I wanted to beat the crap out of him while he was being a jerk, and then wanted to just sob when it all got to be too much.
Another recent incident that didn't make much sense either: yesterday he gave me $10 to go get some lunch for us, he asked for a 6 inch cold cut combo from subway. So I got that, and then I got myself a quiznos turkey sandwich because I like them better than subway. There was no change left, and Dad was mad because his sandwich was only 3.50 and my sandwich and drink was 6.50. His argument was that I spent too much money, and I thought that if I even did have change for him, it would have been 2 or 3 dollars (maybe). He didn't ask for change, and I didn't know I was going to have just enough for my sandwich and drink.
Anyway, basicly my dad's way of thinking is "I pay for everything you use, and you don't ever measure up to my standards/satisfaction". I don't understand how I can ever make him happy, and I'm sure I won't. I can't support myself right now while I'm in school and don't have any substantial income, and even though I'm going away to bible school in the fall, the frustrations with my father and my own inability to get satisfaction make me very out of sorts.
I don't know if anyone can really help, so I suppose I'm just getting these thoughts out. I pray, and I understand that God will not change things. I do think that God will give me the stregnth to carry through, but I often doubt if things will really be any better. I remember going to California for a weekend with my brother in law last year, and feeling so free and independent there. I wonder how long it will be before I feel that feeling again. I remember friends I knew who could never be anything more than distant friends no matter how much I would have liked things to be different, and I wonder how long it will be before I trust and share things with some safely. It's hard to either bottle it all up or vent it out slowly on my own all the time
Answer:
I have something to share with you, but I'll have to do it a little later.
Answer:
I can completely understand how you feel about your Dad. Though my Dad is not like that my girlfriends Dad is. I think you are probably doing the best you can without disrespecting your him, but I wouldn't let his overbaringness interfer with relationships you want to pursue.
Sounds to me that your Dad is a firm "Pastors kid = Perfect Kid" attitude. You will most likely never please him, but you must do the best you can to respect him but not let it interfer with your ministry to others and God's plan. Seek God first, and pray that your Dad will see you are doing your best. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you right now.
Answer:
He gives me no privacy. I'm in my room in my underwear, changing for work, and he comes in and starts talking to me about an outline he made for me. Earlier he was telling me how God spoke to him while he was praying and that he thought I should do a little more public speaking before I go out to bible school in the fall (IE speaking at church). I don't have a problem with this, but I hate doing anything for him because there's just so many problems and critisims I have to face about it.
Answer:
I read what you wrote in this thread. I believe you when you say that you are venting. You have made it this far, the end is in sight.
I think it is nifty how children are able to practice public speaking in church. It's too bad that they do not know how indulgent their audience really is, with the exception of your father, of course.