Question:
I know this belongs in dating/relationships, but anonymous posting is not allowed there... and I don't want to reveal myself since a simple google search will yield all of my internet activity.
So here's the deal. I've liked my current girlfriend since last july. I did the whole "getting to know you" thing for about 2 months. She really liked another guy, but I thought I was making progress. Eventually she asked me out. Weird, but I accepted. We went out for about 3 weeks, and it was ok. My first relationship. I was a constant nervous wreck. I was afraid of screwing it up, or not living up to her expectations. Then she dumped me, and I later found out that she didn't like me, she just liked that I liked her.
Understandable, I guess. So I attepmted to move on. Eventually she decided that she really did like me, and she got back together with me.
I care about this girl. She has been my first girlfriend, my first kiss... And we've been together for 4 months now.
That being said, she doesn't treat me very well. She constantly jokes around about other guys, and getting together with them. I know that they are just jokes, but it hurts to imagine her with other people. She likes me, but she isn't very external about it like I see other girls about their boyfriends. Like other girls will always talk about their boyfriends and brag about them, but mine never really talks about me. She makes me pick up everything she drops. I mean, I am the kind of guy that holds doors open for girls, but this is getting ridiculous. She'll purposely drop something and make me get it. Whenever I call her on something, she makes it into my fault and I have to grovel for forgiveness.
So this is the sticky situation. She has this friend that is really cool. She's a lot nicer, and she likes me. I could easily "transfer" over to her... but I'm sure all hell would break loose. My current girlfriend would probably be completely depressed. Her parents always joke and say that if they were me they'd dump their daughter for this other girl. It's no secret that I'm not treated very well.
Ugh. So what do I do. Stick with the way things are, and hope she continues the slight path towards improvement that she has embarked on very recently? Or do I cause a social upheaval, and go to the girl who will treat me better?
Thanks.
Answer:
Well...to dump your current girlfriend and immediately go for the new girl would be rather stupid. But I don't think I'd stick with this girlfriend. She says she really likes you, she says she wants to be your girlfriend, but does she really? If she can express her love for you in the private, then she should be able to express it in the public. If her public appearance and social reputation matters more than her love for you, I don't think you should be staying with her. This is obviously not a healthy relationship; there is no equal balance. You are bending over backwards for her, and what does she do? Takes advantage of you and hurts your feelings all the time. I used to have a best friend who was just like this; we weren't in a romantic relationship (thank God) but she would do things to the point where it seemed like she was using me. I didn't know what her ends were or why she was doing it. She seemed to be my honest-to-goodness friend and other times, she'd just seem to renege on what she said. Sort of like what your girl is doing with you. And that grovel for forgiveness thing? My friend did the exact same thing. Fortunately I found a much, much better best friend who I've known for the last 8 years or so.
As for the future; I doubt shes' going to get better. If you don't understand her now, I doubt she's going to bare herself to you and share what she's thinking.
As for the other girl? It depends on how much she is like the girl you're dating. But like I said, don't date her right away, give it a few weeks time. I mean...well I guess it won't REALLY matter since everyone knows that you're dumping one girl for the other?
And when you dump this girl, explain to her why you did it. Not just because you like her friend (i don't think you should say that at all) but because she's not honest and hasn't been treating you well.
Oh well, best of luck
~Jen
Answer:
Do you even like this other girl? Or are you just interested because she likes you and would treat you better? I think you gotta talk to your current girlfriend. Tell her how you feel about the way she treats you. If she really cares about you, and is willing to work for the relationship, and you care about her, you can't just "transfer" over to some other girl. If its obvious that the relationship is not going to work out in the long run, then get out of it. What you do with the other girl is up to you, but like you said, all hell would likely break loose. If she is friends with your current girlfriend, that would put a ton of stress on their friendship, to put it mildly. I would have a hard time forgiving a friend that stole my girlfriend. I get upset when a friend tries to get with my ex, over a year after I broke up with her. I'd be very hesitant about coming between them like that. If your only reason to do it is because the other girl likes you and would treat you well, forget it. You'd have to be pretty serious about her to even consider it.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Dr. Worm Do you even like this other girl? Or are you just interested because she likes you and would treat you better? I think you gotta talk to your current girlfriend. Tell her how you feel about the way she treats you. If she really cares about you, and is willing to work for the relationship, and you care about her, you can't just "transfer" over to some other girl. If its obvious that the relationship is not going to work out in the long run, then get out of it. What you do with the other girl is up to you, but like you said, all hell would likely break loose. If she is friends with your current girlfriend, that would put a ton of stress on their friendship, to put it mildly. I would have a hard time forgiving a friend that stole my girlfriend. I get upset when a friend tries to get with my ex, over a year after I broke up with her. I'd be very hesitant about coming between them like that. If your only reason to do it is because the other girl likes you and would treat you well, forget it. You'd have to be pretty serious about her to even consider it. Thanks a lot. That's what I needed to hear. It's defintely a different perspective than I have been hearing. Me entertaining the notion at all was pretty bad of me. I really love her, and I'm going to do my best to work things out. I am pretty sure that she is bipolar. A single wrong word on my part will send her into spiraling depression, and it takes me days to get her out of it. Her mom doesn't believe in doctors except for emergency, so she won't let her see a psychiatrist or anything. Her parents always tell her how much of a failure she is (she's actually pretty successful...) So we're both the firm foundation in the other's life. I'm a pretty darn successful guy, and we just both operate better when we're in a relationship.
Our relationship is deeper than I've made it sound... but I'm bad at conveying this stuff.
Thanks again.
Oh, and for further info, neither of us are christians. You'll probably be able to narrow me down from the CGR members now, but I don't care about that... I just didn't want her to find this thread if she googled my screen name.
Answer:
So you are wondering about this girl and you aren't even a Christian. You have your priorities wrong. This may sound harsh, but you need to give up your desires right now. Jesus Christ wants to be your friend and you may not even need advice if you had Jesus' guidence in your life. He will lead you wherever you go and your life WILL be fuller and you won't even need a girlfriend to make you happy. You'll have Jesus Christ, and he will guide you to the point in your life where it is time to find a girlfriend, and you will not have any of these problems if you seek the girl God wants in your life.
Also it sounds like she has problems you can never fix, but problems that can only be fixed by Jesus Christ. If you go at this alone I garuntee you WILL destroy yourself, and I cannot stess this enough. In John it says that without Jesus you can do NOTHING. That means what it says. If you go at this alone you are already doomed to fail. You may even find yourself depressed(a lot). Christian or not you should never have been in this relationship in the first place. She has no aparent respect for you, and it seems like she is just using you to take out stress on. You CANNOT fix this problem, even if you were a Christian. You need to get out of this relationship and go seek God. Get in a church, get Christian friends and go as God leads. Date no one that is not a Christian if you become one. Date no Christian while you are not one. If you do either of the above the Bible says you are like two dogs tied to each other trying to get away. If you keep going the opposite direction you will rip in half. I had a very similar experience with a girlfriend too, I tryed to correct the problems on my own but I only found pain, depression, and false hope. I found only through Jesus she could fix her problems. But become a Christian for God not for yourself because you are no better off than before.Become a Chirtian for God. Find a pastor you trust or a Christian friend you trust and ask them any questions you have. Reply in the forum if you want further info from me.
I will pray you seek God's guidence in your troubles.
I don't want to come across as judgemental, I want to come across with a hope that you will not die and be doomed to eternity in Hell, and that will find hope and fullfillment in God.
I recommend: The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. And the Bible.(start in Romans.)
Answer:
Wow, Freek, that was sort of... leap-down-their-throat-with-the-Gospel. Would it be possible to tone it down?
I share Freek's concern about you, Beat, but I'm not going to preach at you. Instead, I've give you a little bit of my own experience and then follow up on what Worm said.
For starts, what is your stance on Christianity? Hate it? Don't give a crap? Never read the bible, have read the bible? If you're on CGR as a registered member but are not a Christian, odds are that you're apostate, I should say. If that is the case, then I would say get out of the relationship and would proceed to encourage you. However, I can say this- happiness and fulfillment cannot be found in a girl. Ever. It sucks, yeah, but it's the truth. Your dependence on her and her dependence on you will all amount to nothing. You can't solve her problems with her parents- and believe me, that is a problem that needs to get taken care of. You can't help her never be depressed again. I'll leave the solution-finding to you. Nobody on this forum can convict you about heaven or hell.
I've got personal experience in this because dependence on people has very nearly killed me in the past. Your case may not be so drastic, but the point I am making is that being the "firm foundation" in each other's lives is not necessarily good.
Now, moving on to Dr. Worm's post. Talk to her. The biggest mistake you can ever make in any relationship is to let a problem fester. If this relationship isn't going to work, then end it before it gets too melodramatic/more melodramatic.
When you talk to her, however, make sure she knows you don't want to leave her, and that you want things to continue. Because you do, don't you? Approach this with the mindset that you want things to last.
If she is unwilling to doctor up her actions, then I wouldn't say to abandon her completely. Give it a few tries before you bail out. But when or if you do get out of this relationship, take some time and try to figure out what it is you want in a relationship, and go from there.
But it pretty much all boils down to talking to her about it. Not arguing, not yelling, not accusing, but talking. Tell her you have a problem. Let her know you would love to help her with the things that are dragging you both down. Try to figure out what causes her actions towards you. Explore the problem completely. It's got to be a two-way exchange to do that, though, so keep it cool, calm and collected.
Answer:
Yeah, I didn't really want to be preached at. I've chosen to leave christianity... I'm an apostate. I don't have any interests to read the evangelizing sections of either of the last two posts...
There have been PLENTY of successful non-christian couples. Don't act like Christianity somehow grants unwavering stability to a relationship.
But as for the second section of Murdock's post... yeah. I think her recent turn for the better will continue. And hopefully things will work out.
Answer:
Christian or Non Christian, each relationship faces tests and trials. That being said, have you talked to your current girlfriend and tell her how you feel? Sometimes people do things, and not realize the affect their words or actions have on other people. Someone joking around may offend someone, or hurt their feelings. If you have not already talk to her, and tell her how it makes you feel when she does those things.
Now if you do talk to her, and she continues to treat you this way, it would probably be in your best interest to move on from the relationship. I'm not saying you should jump into another relationship with the new girl who likes you, but you could start by being the other girls friend. I have found that a relationship built off a friendship can be an awesome thing. You know a lot about the person going in, and you still want to date them. Try being the new girls friend, and see what happens from there.
I have no other advice, but I have prayed for you about this, and I will keep praying.
Answer:
Originally Posted by beatdoinmein Thanks a lot. That's what I needed to hear. It's defintely a different perspective than I have been hearing. Me entertaining the notion at all was pretty bad of me. I really love her, and I'm going to do my best to work things out. I am pretty sure that she is bipolar. A single wrong word on my part will send her into spiraling depression, and it takes me days to get her out of it. Her mom doesn't believe in doctors except for emergency, so she won't let her see a psychiatrist or anything. Her parents always tell her how much of a failure she is (she's actually pretty successful...) So we're both the firm foundation in the other's life. I'm a pretty darn successful guy, and we just both operate better when we're in a relationship.
Our relationship is deeper than I've made it sound... but I'm bad at conveying this stuff.
Thanks again.
Oh, and for further info, neither of us are christians. You'll probably be able to narrow me down from the CGR members now, but I don't care about that... I just didn't want her to find this thread if she googled my screen name.
What you said is nothing like bipolar...
Answer:
I don’t know how old you are, but to me this all sounds very immature maybe it would be best for both of you to wait for any kind of serious relationship? Anyway take that for what it’s worth I wish you both the best God bless
Peace
Answer:
Heya,
Originally Posted by Freek4Jesus13 So you are wondering about this girl and you aren't even a Christian. You have your priorities wrong. Sheesh. This is one of the least logical things I've heard in a good long while. Maybe I'm just not much of a fan for "selling" faith-in-Christ as a instant-fix pill though.
Answer:
Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq What you said is nothing like bipolar...
Just echoing this.
If there is a mental disorder involved at all, my speculation based on the information would be something along the lines of a personality disorder, possibly borderline personality disorder (often confused with bipolar).
But to be honest, it sounds like she's simply a teenage girl who needs to grow up.