Question:
Well, I need some help, that's for sure.
Here's the dealiO. I have a boyfriend, and we've been on-off for the past year this February 3. I'm non-denominational, and by that I mean I believe the Bible. Every bit of it. Including about the gifts of the Holy Spirit...speaking in tongues, yes. He's Baptist, and eighteen. He used to be really freaked out by it, and that was the main reason that we broke up the first three times. We're together for the fourth time, I think, and I'm coming up on this issue. He's grown some in God since we've been together the past month, and reads his Bible daily, which is a huge step up from what he used to be...now he comes to our church every time he's back from college and time allows he can come. Anyway, he's really warmed up to our church, and is pretty used to us all speaking in tongues...but he has no desire to. From what he tells me, he's "Trying". To hear him tell it, something is going on in his heart, but the only way he can describe it is that he's "trying". I don't really know what to do. This conflict is not about whether or not he is ever going to speak in tongues. This conflict is more about the fact that I have problems with the relationship in the fact that he doesn't seem to thirst after God in the way that I used to. Notice I said used to? That's the other part of the problem. As time progresses, I'm getting a little colder each day. Is it a good thing that I recognize that? Maybe, but that's not the point. I need to know what to do, because it seems that my coldness comes in the spells that we are together, and his reluctancy to really live for God (by seeking after Him with everything) has a huge emotional effect on me.
I am not above believing in the supernatural or that a spirit is tormenting me and trying to get me to fall completely from God. My relationship with my parents that has just been recently restored from the last time we were together is quickly deteriorating, and I NEED HELP!!
Please give me advice. He's not a bad guy, and I really like him, but I need to end it, and I don't know how!!
Haley
Answer:
Unfortunately, I have no other advice than the obvious, "Just do it." There is no easy way to go about this type of thing; the best thing to do would be to just sit down and explain to him how you feel. But if I may ask you a question (I'm not going to wait for your "yes" or "no", I'm just gonna say it ), are you feeling that his lack of desire to speak in tongues is a lack of desire to be closer to God?
Answer:
Here is the thing. You have not given a reason to end it.
What we have here is a situation with tongues. Paul says not all will speak in tongues. To judge people's spirituality like that is a sin, a sin of pride. 1 Corinthians 12-14 are invaluable here. Not speaking in tongues has nothing to do with thirsting after God. I have never spoken in tongues. I have no real desire to or not to. Im completely passive to it. If God wills, it is a gift of the spirit, and if you are trying to... its a fake.
Emotions fade. It sounds like you have a rough relationship with your parents. That could well be draining you emotionally. Your walk with God isn't about the emotional. Its like a marriage. Sometimes you grit your teeth, close your eyes, and love them when emotion fades. You cant expect a passionate high all the time.
Answer:
I agree with bill - I can't see a reason in your post as to why you two should break up. You can't force your passion for God - it either is or is not. When it's not, then, like Bill said, you grit your teeth and choose to love him anyway (deliberate love like that, mind you, wouldn't feel firey, but it would be genuine). But maybe I'm reading things wrong. Spell out again why you feel you should leave him for good this time.
Answer:
Yeah if you look for any relationship to always be on fire, with God or man, it will fail. The fire is a side effect, but not the main thing. My wife is more important to me than anything else on earth, but sometimes our relationship isn't firey, often it is (in the good way), but sometimes it isn't. Thats the time when love really kicks in. Not when its the most natural thing, but when it is commitment that costs.
Answer:
I am going to be bold here. Take that as a compliment, because it means that I think you can probably take it. *smile*
I think you need to back off a bit. I don't know many people that wouldn't be intimidated about a church full of people speaking in tongues on a regular basis. You are going to end up forcing something that's not genuine.
People are drawn toward God by love and grace, not requirements. Bill has pointed out that tongues is not a requirement from the Lord, but it seems to be one of yours. And that is perfectly fine for you to have that requirement if that is what you prefer, but it would be better for you to find someone who is already comfortable with that than to choose someone for other reasons and then hope that they develop the same convictions as your own. And this goes for all facets of our relationship with God. If you want a husband that loves God's Word, then you need to look for a man that already loves it.
I think I disagree with the people saying that you haven't given a good reason to break things off with him. You certainly have. It's just more about you than him. And I mean that in the most loving way possible. I really do!!
Your relationship with a boy should not be causing emotional ups and downs like this. It either indicates that you aren't ready or that this is not the right person for you or you for him. That's okay. Better to realize it now then after several more years.
I hope you continue to share your thoughts. Life can be tricky and it's nice to have a place to let it all out.
And just for some frame of reference, I grew up in a charismatic Lutheran church. Some mainline denominations DO believe the Bible AND speaking in tongues. *smile*
Answer:
Please let me umm...explain...I wrote that post when I had gone for more than twenty hours without sleep, and now, reading it over again, I realized I didn't even say what my problem was. My boyfriend and I really are close-we happen to fight a lot though. I don't exactly require him to speak in tongues, but more than once in the past he's told me of his impassiveness toward churches and God. I guess you could characterize it as sort of a "whatever" attitude, having no connection with the tongues. It does disturb me to think of that. He has changed a lot, and a lot of the times he tells me it's because of me that he first pulled out of the slump he was in when we first met. I'm feeling confused though...I feel as if that our breaking up might result in his falling away from God, despite his claims that he didn't "do this for me". I sometimes question that a lot, though.
It's also quite an emotional strain...well, has been in the past. I think I heard someone characterize it as a destructive relationship. My heart seemed to be breaking for no apparent reason, and I quickly became irritated with the things involved in the church in general when we would be together for long periods of time. I also had problems with my parents, because I would become extremely irratable with them for no reason of their doing at all. Right now it's not like that, but I'm very afraid that it will become like that. I really like him, but I'm worried about my relationship with God and my parents. I wasn't myself. I wonder now if I'm a stronger person, which would make it easier for me to be with him and rise above all of this stuff and draw closer to God no matter what's going on between my boyfriend and I...so far I've just not been getting any sleep.
Answer:
Originally Posted by hope_4_heaven Please let me umm...explain...I wrote that post when I had gone for more than twenty hours without sleep, and now, reading it over again, I realized I didn't even say what my problem was. My boyfriend and I really are close-we happen to fight a lot though. I don't exactly require him to speak in tongues, but more than once in the past he's told me of his impassiveness toward churches and God. I guess you could characterize it as sort of a "whatever" attitude, having no connection with the tongues. It does disturb me to think of that. He has changed a lot, and a lot of the times he tells me it's because of me that he first pulled out of the slump he was in when we first met. I'm feeling confused though...I feel as if that our breaking up might result in his falling away from God, despite his claims that he didn't "do this for me". I sometimes question that a lot, though. What does that mean? I mean seriously, do you expect him to? Do you want him too? impassiveness means he doesn't express a lot. That really does not mean a thing. Some of the greatest men of our day aren't the real bounce off the walls type. They are men who quietly express their love for God through action.
It's also quite an emotional strain...well, has been in the past. I think I heard someone characterize it as a destructive relationship. Not saying it isn't but some will characterize anything as destructive. My heart seemed to be breaking for no apparent reason, and I quickly became irritated with the things involved in the church in general when we would be together for long periods of time. Now I am thinking, why would this be? The answer is that in a lot of ways this does not come back to the relationship. It goes back to you. I also had problems with my parents, because I would become extremely irratable with them for no reason of their doing at all. Right now it's not like that, but I'm very afraid that it will become like that. I really like him, but I'm worried about my relationship with God and my parents. You, not him, are responsible for these. Relationship aside, that is not his responsibility, but your own. I wasn't myself. Unless you have a personality disorder, (which would make this a tricky statement indeed) you were yourself. This is a cop out. I wonder now if I'm a stronger person, which would make it easier for me to be with him and rise above all of this stuff and draw closer to God no matter what's going on between my boyfriend and I...so far I've just not been getting any sleep. part of this seems to be worry, and part of t seems to be pawning off problems onto him, and holding yourself to an impossible perception of what you should do.
Answer:
Originally Posted by hope_4_heaven This conflict is more about the fact that I have problems with the relationship in the fact that he doesn't seem to thirst after God in the way that I used to. it seems that my coldness comes in the spells that we are together, and his reluctancy to really live for God (by seeking after Him with everything) has a huge emotional effect on me. I guess you could characterize it as sort of a "whatever" attitude, having no connection with the tongues. I'm feeling confused though...I feel as if that our breaking up might result in his falling away from God, despite his claims that he didn't "do this for me". I sometimes question that a lot, though. From these quotes, I can see only two scenarios:
1. He in simply not a good Christian, and you probably shouldn't be with him.
2. You are simply being critical and--dare I say it?--prideful by saying that he isn't really thirsting after God and assuming that without you he would completely fall away.
Neither of those seems very good, so if I'm wrong, PLEASE correct me.
Of course, it could also be a combination of the two. It could be that he isn't a strong Christian, but you're admit that you're growing colder too, so it could be that you need to be more accepting of where he is now.
I don't mean to offend you, but I always get worried when someone starts comparing another Christian to themselves or making themselves vital to someone else's relationship with God.
Answer:
Originally Posted by hope_4_heaven Please let me umm...explain...I wrote that post when I had gone for more than twenty hours without sleep, and now, reading it over again, I realized I didn't even say what my problem was. My boyfriend and I really are close-we happen to fight a lot though. I don't exactly require him to speak in tongues, but more than once in the past he's told me of his impassiveness toward churches and God. I guess you could characterize it as sort of a "whatever" attitude, having no connection with the tongues. It does disturb me to think of that. He has changed a lot, and a lot of the times he tells me it's because of me that he first pulled out of the slump he was in when we first met. I'm feeling confused though...I feel as if that our breaking up might result in his falling away from God, despite his claims that he didn't "do this for me". I sometimes question that a lot, though.
It's also quite an emotional strain...well, has been in the past. I think I heard someone characterize it as a destructive relationship. My heart seemed to be breaking for no apparent reason, and I quickly became irritated with the things involved in the church in general when we would be together for long periods of time. I also had problems with my parents, because I would become extremely irratable with them for no reason of their doing at all. Right now it's not like that, but I'm very afraid that it will become like that. I really like him, but I'm worried about my relationship with God and my parents. I wasn't myself. I wonder now if I'm a stronger person, which would make it easier for me to be with him and rise above all of this stuff and draw closer to God no matter what's going on between my boyfriend and I...so far I've just not been getting any sleep. It is possible that maybe he doesn't totally understand the speaking in toungues thing yet, from what you said it sounds like he's growing in God, and I would try not to push him. But for me I wouldn't have a problem dating someone who doesn't speak in tongues, because they could still be an amazing person, and while God can show us some things through that, he might speak to other people through different ways.
God might speak to someone through the Bible, someone else prayer, someone else tongues, someone else through a friend, God speaks to different people in different ways. And I would personally not bug him about that, but if he is interested then he will, but he might not be at that point right now. But it sounds like you guys could have a great relationship and try not to hurt it because of him not totally being into speaking in toungues. This is what I would do about it, I would pray to God and talk to another friend maybe even a pastor about it, but personally I don't think this should be a major issue, if it really matters to you, then it should be, but I would try to learn a little more first before deciding anything and try to talk with a friend or pastor or someone you can trust.
Answer:
Having different views on religious issues can be a boost to a relationship, as long as both parties can come together on the important stuff (that is, John 3:16). You said your faith is feeling colder; as long as you don't feel that he is what's bringing you down (and, of course, as long as you still have feelings for him), I'd advise you to stick it out. I find that faith and serious relatioships have a lot in common, and help one another grow, since the key to both is the capacity to sacrifice a part of oneself in order to become part of something greater than onerself.