forgiveness or what?
Hey guys, I had this girlfriend for three years and we had a wonderful relationship. We did not have sex and did our best to concentrate on God in what we did. We read the bible together over the phone most everyday of the week, prayed together everyday, went to Church together, and really loved one another.
She was a girl that I prayed for three years to get because I just liked her that much. This started in high school and we started going together our senior year. We are now Juniors going to seperate colleges, but still loved each other even more.
She became active in this club (PBL). Well, about two months ago (15 days until our three year anniversary) she told me God wanted her to be single. I swallowed it all whole even though I could not feel God in the break up AT ALL. About two-three weeks later I find out that she is hanging out with someone new. She told me herself that she had spent all night with him watching movies until early in the morning. Guess God decided she just needed to be single for a couple of weeks eh? Of course this really bothered me and she then told me that I "loved her too much" and that our relationship was bad because I "consumed all of her time." She said these things to make herself feel better I know. Oh, and I failed to mention that this new guy is the one that she went on a trip with just four days before she broke up with me.
Now, the question is what do I do? I gave the situation to God after I found out that she was throwing herself at the new guy. I also cut off all communication with her after she told me we would never get back together again, she didnt want to be my friend, AND that she would NEVER regret doing this (along with the lies about how "bad" we were).
The only thing is that we worked together on this Christmas break. I ignored her, but she tried on mulitple occasions to talk to me. The last day that she worked, she wore one of the shirts that I got her that she liked so well. Then, I decided that I would be nice and talked to her and she thanked me for it and all. She flirted with me with smiles and stuff, but nothing major. I think (I also feel as if God is telling me) that she is regretting this. Now what do I do? Take her back if it comes to it?
During this break up, I have been reading A LOT of the Bible. About four chapters a night along with books by Christian authors (DNA of Relationships , God is in Control , and obviously the Bible. God has blessed me inside and out at my job, my friends, and me as a person. I have a peace that is inconcievable to the human mind (Phillipians 4:6-7). I look better than I ever have, and she looks worse (gaining weight, acne breaking out). I feel that because of these things, it shows that God was blessing me inspite of the lust that killed us. This is why I believe that God is turning this all around even though it is a terrible situation (Romans 8:28) because I put my faith in Him.
I guess I want to know what to do if she comes back. I have already forgiven her (I told her this) and have let her go, but it is hard to do so when she acts like she wants to get back together. She turns me every which way but loose! What do I do? I had so much faith about us for so long and we had such a wonderful thing. We also have the potential to have something great IF we do get back together, but should I take her back? She is obviously having doubts, but she acted totally different from a Christian during this and that worries me. Could I trust her again? Should I? What would you guys/gals do? If the person you were crazy about and loved always did this too you, would you take them back. One more bit of info. Four days before she did this, I told my mom that we were getting married because we had both decided that was what we wanted (I prayed about it). Talk about feeling like an idiot...
What do you mean by: "take her back"? Does that mean go out with her again, or does that mean accept her as a friend again?
Hey there, don't feel too bad, you're not alone. I was engaged my friend and things happened similarly to what you describe, minus the other guy thing.
I went to Korea for a month to teach English and when I got back she thought God wanted her to be single too.
Well she broke it off and then we got back together, it lasted three more weeks before I relized that her heart wasn't in it at all. We ended it for sure, well she did three months ago, it hurt.
But rigth now things are going pretty well, it does take a lot of time to really get over it.
I don't know if taking her back will help, how do you go back to the way it was or better after what you've already been through? Its really tough.
I hope things work out better for you than they did for me.
I'm assuming take her back means into a relationship, and I would be against it initially. Obviously, jumping back into a relationship immediately could lead to definate problems. I speak from experience. In my experiences whenever a girl does a thing such as this, she is confused...(this applies to men as well)... I would reccommend nothing more than a friendship for a while. Because, if things are truly as you say (only hearing one side of the story, but I have been in your shoes), then it sounds like there are a lot of excuses in her, as well as a lot of immaturity. Obviously, talking about marriage would cause one to re-evaluate a relationship, and very possibly get scared to death. I'm just throwing out possible causes.
Like I said though, make a friendship out of it. If you get back together with her before ya'll have built back up to a very trusting friendship without any physical contact and playing the b/f g/f game, you're likely to lead yourself down a disastrous road...
I speak with experience in a situation such as yours....
Originally Posted by DreamChaser Heya,
What do you mean by: "take her back"? Does that mean go out with her again, or does that mean accept her as a friend again?
Yeah, I mean a relationship. It is just so strange how all of this could happen. One minute you are walking on the mountain top and the next minute you are in the valley. I just wish I could have seen it coming. The big, bad thing about this all is that she would not tell me about this other guy, I had to find out through the grapevine. Even after she told me that they watched movies together till the morn came, she would not admit to liking him. She made me hold on to hope. I just do not understand how she could play the "God wants me to be single card" and then do something like this.
Pray for me peoples, because heartache is bound to be the worst type of ache there is! I feel for Jesus, with people everywhere causing his heart to ache in the worst possible way. I can not fathom it.
Anyway, thanks for the input guys. I just wish that the devil did not have so much power in using lust and stuff, but I know that my Savior will bring all those who trust in him through the valley and back to the mountain top once they learn their lesson and they are ready.
Edit: I wanted to add this thought. Her older brother walked in on his then girlfriend "procreating" with someone else. He took her back and they are now married with her expecting their first child in June . They both go to church. When thinking about that and how happy they are, it makes you wonder about my predicament a little more...
My brother and his wife broke up twice before they got married. You cannot base "what ifs" on someone elses situation.
I was broken up with right before Christmas, and I'll admit, I was absolutely crazy about the girl. I am leaving her alone and doing my own deal. If me and her are supposed to get back together, she'll come around, because she's the one who decided about the relationship. I'm not going to sit here and wait on her for anything.
Dude, your girl has said so many things that don't line up, so let her go.
I don't think that a "relationship" is in order, for two reasons.
The first reason is that she was pretty juvenile about the first breakup. That isn't to say that she isn't mature, but that she had completely mixed up motives that she needs to get back in order before she is with any other guy.
The second reason is that it sounds like she needs God right now, now you. And it seems to my mind that you have the perfect opportunity to help her. It would, I think, be foolish to throw away the opportunity to give her what you have just because she seems indecisive.
Talk to her about her and God. And support her. There is no ability for a genuine relationship in her right now, from what I see, but there may be in the future.
When I say talk to her about her and God, I don't mean do what you did before- it seems (as harsh at this is to say) like what you did before was pretty ineffectual for her. Instead, talk to her about applying things. Her and God. Not God, religion and saved people. Specifically her and God.
Originally Posted by Gains238 She became active in this club (PBL). Well, about two months ago (15 days until our three year anniversary) she told me God wanted her to be single. I swallowed it all whole even though I could not feel God in the break up AT ALL. About two-three weeks later I find out that she is hanging out with someone new. She told me herself that she had spent all night with him watching movies until early in the morning. Guess God decided she just needed to be single for a couple of weeks eh? Love does not envy.
Of course this really bothered me and she then told me that I "loved her too much" and that our relationship was bad because I "consumed all of her time." She said these things to make herself feel better I know. Love thinks no evil.
Love believes all things.
I look better than I ever have, and she looks worse (gaining weight, acne breaking out). Love does not parade itself.
She is obviously having doubts, but she acted totally different from a Christian during this and that worries me. Could I trust her again? Should I? Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
I just do not understand how she could play the "God wants me to be single card" and then do something like this. Love is not provoked, thinks no evil.
Anyway, thanks for the input guys. I just wish that the devil did not have so much power in using lust and stuff James 4:7
Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
Originally Posted by bobthecockroach Daniel'swholepost Try not to judge on a surface level. True, love is a bit different from what she demonstrated, but how we act out or acknowledge love is dependent on our understanding of it. Love could very well exist there. She could be scared. She could not understand what is going on. She could be resisting. She could just not have noticed thus far that it's serious.
I was actually addressing the poster.
Before I myself am found to be behaving rudely, let me offer some more explanation of why I chose to post those excerpts from God's Word.
The key feature in ANY relationship is love--God's love. Once you've got that worked out, the rest will be a lot easier. I don't see it as being worked out. That's not to say it ever will be completely worked out, but it's something you need to think about. I know I can't love anyone perfectly, but if I don't keep coming back to these verses and analyzing myself according to God's standards, I'll really be in trouble. I think every time I read those verses, I think of something I need to change in myself... and those are the things that we need to work on first. If we're not working as hard we can on our relationship with God, we're not gonna have much luck in our relationships with other people.
Originally Posted by bobthecockroach TheexplanationDanielgave Oh, okay. That's much better. I think we agree, then. Er. Yeah.
Or would you disagree with me in saying that there is not only an opportunity but a very urgent need for him to help her draw closer to God?
I would reason it out, but my mind is kind of spinning around tonight, so I'll let you put the words into my mouth and then smack you down with rude smilies if they are the wrong words.
Originally Posted by H.M. Murdock Or would you disagree with me in saying that there is not only an opportunity but a very urgent need for him to help her draw closer to God? I also get very worried when people start talking about helping other people draw closer to God as if we were up on some high plane that we could pull them up to. We're all sinners saved by grace. Our goal is always to work on our relationship with God and to build others up the love and knowledge of Jesus the Christ. The Bible speaks of our actions toward other believers as service. It's hard to see ourselves up a plane if we're considering ourselves servants. The most urgent of our needs is to, "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God." (2 Timothy 2:15) One of the things we must to do be approve to God is to serve others.
I know I may be sounding nitpicky, but I think even our terminology can affect how we think about something.
This girl does sound confused, and perhaps immature, but that does not mean that she is entirely to blame for whatever went wrong in your relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship work (or fail). It sounds to me like there are a lot of issues that you two should have been talking about during the three years that you were together.
Speaking as a female who has been on the other side of a similar situation, my advise is LISTEN TO HER! If she says you will never get back together, believe her. It may be helpful to ask her to clarify her reasons for breaking up with you. Ask her exactly what she meant when she said you "loved her too much" and "consumed all her time". Ask and then LISTEN. Then accept her answer and move on.
Also, just so you know how my similar situation ended, my exboyfriend is now happily engaged. a.k.a., there is hope (just maybe not with this girl)
Originally Posted by bobthecockroach Love does not envy.
Love thinks no evil.
Love believes all things.
Love does not parade itself.
Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love is not provoked, thinks no evil.
Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Woohoo man, I never claimed to be perfect, but I did do the best that I could. I know for a fact that "the best I could" will NEVER be good enough, but I did try. I mean, she went on a trip (just her and this other guy) for a weekend so she could be his campaign manager in the PBL State Elections. When she told me she wanted to do this, I said go. I said if you want too, do it. I trust you. I mean, I told her to spend countless hours with a guy I did not know from Adam. I mean, I could debate with you all day long about things but I realize that no one on this board is going to understand the whole situation because all anyone has to go off from is my side of the story and even that is jaded (as it is with any story). Yet, it does seem as if your remarks were similar to a personal attack of how I view/think love is.
When I made the comment that "I look better than ever" I was just simply stating that I felt as if God blessed me in that area of my life. I was simply pointing out that it seems as if God has blessed me in multiple areas of my life because of the new found dependence upon Him throughout this entire situation.
Forgive me if I am taking your whole post wrong, but I find it hard to believe that you could lecture me about love from just a single post. If I am wrong, then forgive me. Thanks for all of the comments.
I posted those verses because true love is a prerequisite for any good relationship. It's never a bad thing to think about (actually, no part of God's Word is ever a bad thing to think about). Actually, I posted another post clarifying why I posted those verse just a few posts up.
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