Question:
So I used to have this youth pastor that I never knew all that well, but at church camp he and I talked (him promising to keep that which we talked about confidential) about some stuff. Then, about two months later he e-mails me, tells me that he feels like he needs to tell my parents about what we talked about. So he does (even though of course, he is technically obliged to not do so). He moves away and I haven't seen him for a couple years.
Anyway. That was about two years ago, I've forgiven, and I'm past it.However, our church is inviting him back at the end of January, and offering him an associate pastor position. I e-mailed him saying that while I've left things in the past to not expect me to be friends with him.
He e-mailed back saying about how we should talk about it since it didn't sound like I'd forgiven yet, and about how we could have this great Christian fellowship.
Eh, dude, you backstabbed me. Friends don't do that.
Am I wrong here?
Answer:
Originally Posted by A Questioner So I used to have this youth pastor that I never knew all that well, but at church camp he and I talked (him promising to keep that which we talked about confidential) about some stuff. Then, about two months later he e-mails me, tells me that he feels like he needs to tell my parents about what we talked about. So he does (even though of course, he is technically obliged to not do so). He moves away and I haven't seen him for a couple years.
Anyway. That was about two years ago, I've forgiven, and I'm past it.However, our church is inviting him back at the end of January, and offering him an associate pastor position. I e-mailed him saying that while I've left things in the past to not expect me to be friends with him.
He e-mailed back saying about how we should talk about it since it didn't sound like I'd forgiven yet, and about how we could have this great Christian fellowship.
Eh, dude, you backstabbed me. Friends don't do that.
Am I wrong here? Yeah he messed up, but remember he is still human, talk to him about it and give him a second chance.
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Well is it wrong of me to feel like I can't trust this guy even if we do become "friends"?
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well i've learned that forgiveness means letting go of a grudge you're holding back for a person and moving on with your life carrying a light heart... trusting that person again is something different. hmmm yeah its right that you forgave him but i guess its okay to choose not to be friends again (friends meaning = confiding in him) just don't spread around what he's done to you.
am i right? wrong? uhh whatever.
but its also your decision to be friends or trust in him again. just pray about it.
Answer:
If you've forgiven him, then it's not his place to say you need to forgive him. Just because you've forgiven him doesn't mean you need to be "friends".
Personaly I wouldn't have emailed him. What was the point? Just behave however you want to behave toward him, as cool or cold as possible, to send him "warning" is to give him an oportunity to be the "mature authority" in this situation and say you're wrong.
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He is not qualified for any sort of leadership position until he apologizes for wronging you the way he did. As long as he is holding his current attitude, he is very much an arrogant jerk, and is not qualified for a church leadership position at all.
Answer:
Originally Posted by A Questioner So I used to have this youth pastor that I never knew all that well, but at church camp he and I talked (him promising to keep that which we talked about confidential) about some stuff. Then, about two months later he e-mails me, tells me that he feels like he needs to tell my parents about what we talked about. So he does (even though of course, he is technically obliged to not do so). He moves away and I haven't seen him for a couple years.
I know he promised, but have you ever thought about the situation he was in? Perhaps he felt strongly he had to tell your parents to benefit you. Even in the secular system some things are not covered by the doctor-patient confidence. It is made out to be some big seal of secrecy when it is not. There are a whole heap of things and events that doctors ( pyschologists etc) are obliged to tell other people about.
What happened as a result of him telling your parents? did you world end? was it the most terrible and embarrasing thing ever? it doesn't seem like it.
Originally Posted by A Questioner Anyway. That was about two years ago, I've forgiven, and I'm past it.However, our church is inviting him back at the end of January, and offering him an associate pastor position. I e-mailed him saying that while I've left things in the past to not expect me to be friends with him.
He e-mailed back saying about how we should talk about it since it didn't sound like I'd forgiven yet, and about how we could have this great Christian fellowship.
Eh, dude, you backstabbed me. Friends don't do that.
Am I wrong here?
I don't know what that is, but it is definatelty not forgiveness. It sounds like you are still bitter about it, and like it happened yesterday.
You need to have a good hard look at forgiveness. If God's concept was the same as yours we would be stuffed. Can you imagine "Hey there Simo, i have forgiven you of all your sins, but there is absoultely no way im letting you in to heaven. Your not my friend get away from me!"
I thank God Hos forgiveness is eternal, and is complete.
Can you explain forgiveness to me, as you see it?
Answer:
Originally Posted by Simo What happened as a result of him telling your parents? did you world end? was it the most terrible and embarrasing thing ever? it doesn't seem like it.
Can you explain forgiveness to me, as you see it?
No, but it was a pretty bad situation. It's caused lots of trouble and inconvienance for me over the past two years. I mean, this was one of those things where he was definately in the wrong in violating the "code of confidentiality" ... seemingly only telling my parents so he'd have his own ass covered should they ever find out that he knew. Which of course, they wouldn't, that is, until he told them.
Forgiveness? Yeah, I've said it's OK. He asked me to, I said it was fine, and I meant it.
But it's like your girlfriend/boyfriend cheating on you. Yeah you can forgive them, but can you really ever trust them? Sure, people make mistakes, and you can forgive those mistakes, but sometimes forgiveness does not change the impact that those mistakes had.
I've pretty much got my mind made now, so it's really a moot point, but I appreciate the responses.
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Forgiveness is seperate from trust. I may forgive my sister for stealing from me. But, I will not trust her around my money. She has to regain my trust. Same with a pedophile, you may 'forgive' them and be open to them. But, you won't let them take your daughter to dance lessons will you?
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You ever think that maybe he felt convicted to tell something? School counselors are told things in "confidence", yet if it is certain things they must tell an authorty.
2 months later says he realy didn't want to yet felt convicted, anmd at least he emailed you.
Maybe we could understand better if you told us what he told...
but if yu can't, we understand, it is totally up to you.
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Forgiveness is one thing, and rebuilding mutual trust is another. Others have already said it well enough: you've forgiven him, and you don't have to prove that by trusting him as a friend. We don't have to like everybody, as long as we're careful not to dislike people or harbor malcontent towards them. So while we say you don't have to be his friend, your forgiveness should still extend into a semblance of respect for his fallibility and the fact that he's truly sorry for his actions.

Originally Posted by Simo I don't know what that is, but it is definatelty not forgiveness. It sounds like you are still bitter about it, and like it happened yesterday.
I'm going to have to disagree with you here, Simo. While I don't believe it's too responsible to judge intent and heart by the words on a computer screen, I don't think the poster was bitter about it, and I certainly can't draw the conclusion that he has not forgiven his pastor!

You need to have a good hard look at forgiveness. If God's concept was the same as yours we would be stuffed. Can you imagine "Hey there Simo, i have forgiven you of all your sins, but there is absoultely no way im letting you in to heaven. Your not my friend get away from me!"
I'm not convinced that your analogy accurately describes the relationship between forgiveness and the fruits of that forgiveness, though. After all, we can't "let anyone into heaven" when we forgive them. So what does forgiveness really mean? Does it mean that we have to buddy up to a person and offer them a reward, just as God has done for us. I don't believe so, I believe that fundamentally forgiveness and the reward of heaven are unconnected. God's relationship with man has much greater complications than a relationship between two human beings. They don't operate on the same protocol.

God never requires in the first place that we put our trust in everybody as our friend, so why should he require that we restore that trust (that may or may not have existed in the first place) in someone who has sinned against us?
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Originally Posted by Andrew He is not qualified for any sort of leadership position until he apologizes for wronging you the way he did. As long as he is holding his current attitude, he is very much an arrogant jerk, and is not qualified for a church leadership position at all. I have to agree (only I wouldn't go quite so far as to call him an arrogant jerk ).
The only exception I could see would be if what you told to him in confidence was something such as you being suicidal and this man honestly thought your life was in danger. Other than that, he had no right to go back on his word to you. Forgive him, but I would recommend you not talk to him about anyting you wish to be held in confidence. It may not be a bad idea to go speak to the senior pastor. You don't need to give details, but you could express your concern and ask the senior pastor if the church has a position on the confidentiality of what is said to those in leadership.