Question:
Hey,.. I'm almost 16, and I have a friend who's is 22. I've known this friend for almost four years. He taught me how to play guitar when I was 12. Any way, down to some substance:
He's my friend, and we hang out a lot.. like at church and youth group,(he's my youth leader) and tonight we're going with my other friend, Crystal, who's 17, to see a movie. I don't think I should go.... not just because he's an older guy and I'm still just a girl, but because for the past two or three years, I just haven't been able to stop thinking about him. Like,.. I always wonder how he's doing and what he's up to. Like we're dating or something,.. but we're not. Do you understand me or am I speaking nonsense here???
I just feel like I'm infatuated with him to the point of always thinking about him. He really is a great friend, and I look up to him in a lot of ways. It's just that I spend more time talking to him, hanging out with him, than I do with my other friends.
I really don't want to like him. It's not that I'm physically attracted to this guy, it's just that I respect his ambitions and his thoughts on everything! Like, I could almost never disagree with him on anything serious.
Please give me some input on this.. I don't really want to hear "You should stay away from him.." because that would mean a whole new lifestyle, youth group, and giving up a cool friendship. I want to keep the friendship, but I want the emotional attachment level to go waaay down.
SnapShot
Answer:
I want to keep the friendship, but I want the emotional attachment level to go waaay down. Sorry, but that's just how it goes. The greater the investment, the greater your attatchment and care for a person will be. If you want the emotion level to go down, you're going to have to tone it down. Don't hang out quite as much, but if that's not possible at least definitely tone down the conversations. If you spend hours on end talking, or not even that but just sharing the most personal stuff about yourself, you're going to grow attatched to that person because you have attatched yourself to them.
I'd say this is especially true of girls. I mean with these types of situations I've noticed a guy will be going along and one day realize that he's either very attracted to or very protective of (or both) the girl, but his mind will probably still be set on his goals. Girls however tend to become consumed in thinking about the guy, not that girls are more obsessive than guys or anything, but their care manifests more socially/personally than a guys does. From what you say, I would guess this guy either sees you as his little sister and is protective of you, or he is fighting off feelings he isn't looking for between you two.
Either way, it's good for guys and girls to be friends, and you can share a lot, but when you start hanging out all the time and talking about your deepest most personal things there is going to be a natural pull that draws you to where you may not want to go. You want friends/mentors of the same-sex to be your biggest supports and helping you deal with the issues of life and/or your accountability, friendships of the opposite sex shouldn't become too exclusive and should always direct each other to Christ (as in reminding the other to seek Him, not being a mentor to them).
Now if you do that you may still have a deep appreciation of the person, and they may really brighten your day, or even your whole week. There is nothing wrong with that, I'll often remember my friends with a deep admiration. But most often I don't just sit around and dream of them, rather I am reminded of what led them to being great people and the God I should be seeking and delighting in.
But yeah, opposite-sex friendships with no intention of exploring romance need to be kept in moderation, because intimacy will always draw you to further intimacy, and if you have passive rules (friendship) rather than intentional rules (dating) about where that is taking you it can lead to heartbreak and bad mistakes. I'm telling you this not as a hard rule but wisdom I have learned from my own experience as well as wisdom passed on to me that many friends and mentors learned from their experiences.
Relationships need healthy boundries suited to the type of relationship it is, our actions do often dictate what direction our hearts go in, and what direction our hearts are going in tends to direct the actions we do without thinking. Be smart about this, and if you can find an older, wiser, godly woman to help guide you and help you keep your heart in check.
Answer:
I would say, stop thinking about it. Just try to be a friend. Seriously, it shouldn't be too much more complicated than that (though I know it is).
Answer:
Don't worry about it. Just go on with how it is now if you can't control it. It's not that big of a deal.
Have fun at the movies.
Answer:
Well now I think I really messed things up. He had to give me a ride to the movies, because my other friend had to be somewhere.. so it was the two of us for four hours.. because it was an hour drive to the movies, when we got there, the only thing playing was Princess Diaries 2 (cheap, $3 theater ).. so we decided to go eat, because neither of us had had dinner yet. So we talked a lot while we were waiting for our food. And the discussion of dating came up.. like about how if you really believe God has picked your future spouse, you shouldn't be looking for someone.. and how you'll know it when you seem them. And I guess I kind of agreed with that.
When our food came, I really started thinking about our relationship.. and then I guess I kind of broke down. I started saying things like, "I wish it wasn't just the two of us sitting here, because it's really awkward.." and "maybe we should go.." I could tell he was wondering what was up with me so he's sets down his fork and food and says, "ok.. what's wrong?" So I told him,.. I told him just about everything I put in my first post here. And he just kind of nodded, like he understood,.. even though he probably doesn't. And then we were completely silent on the way home. An hour of silence is really, really awkward, especially when you're with someone you've known for - what seems like forever.
I guess I probably said too much. I mean, I feel better now that he knows how I feel, but.. I feel like I cut a few strings between us too.
I guess I'm a little lost. I'll see him again tomorrow at church,.. and I'm supposed to lead worship with him. So it will definitely be interesting.
But something weird happened. Last night, before I fell asleep,.. I prayed to God that if he really had someone picked out for me,.. tell me now. And my bed sits next to a somewhat tall dresser, which has framed pictures sitting on it.. all of a sudden, a picture frame falls off and hits me on the head. It was a picture of my friend.. (the one I've been talking about) and it completely freaked me out. I hadn't touched the dresser.. I don't know why it fell. But I don't want to take it as an answer to my prayer. I don't want to jump to any conclusions about anything.. I'm a little hesitant to do anything with my friend anymore. I don't know what to do at all. Any prayer and/or advice would be great.
Snapshot
Answer:
Everything I have to say about the picture, either seems illogical or contradictory to the Bible, so I'm not gonna say anything about that.
Tomorrow is definitely gonna be awkward for you, but if I were you, I would force a few conversations with him, just so you can get through the awkwardness, and everything will be good by Wednesday.
Answer:
I don't think what happened yesterday, or whenever it was, was bad at all. I think although it was very awkward for you, at least you're almost through it now, and the hardest part is over. It's all gonna get better from here.
Answer:
Originally Posted by ammamunia Everything I have to say about the picture, either seems illogical or contradictory to the Bible, so I'm not gonna say anything about that.
Tomorrow is definitely gonna be awkward for you, but if I were you, I would force a few conversations with him, just so you can get through the awkwardness, and everything will be good by Wednesday.
But I don't know if I want to hang on to this any more.. I just explained to him last night that I'm too attached to him. I really feel like I need to let go. But I can't do that if I'm still talking to him all the time. Tomorrow I'll have to talk to him.. obviously,.. but I've decided that after that, I should probably keep the conversation minimal. Like, only talk to him when I need to talk to him. I'll probably still hang out with him.. but not one on one.
If you guys could shoot up a couple prayers, that would be great.
Thanks a lot.. if anyone else has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.
Snapshot
Answer:
The picture thing...well, I'm going to say that it's pretty much completely irrelevant.
As far as your relationship with this guy and everything, I'll give it my best shot. I'm 25, so I'm in the same age group as your friend.
First, he's your youth leader. It's a psychological fact that an attractive quality in a man is his leadership abilities and position. I think this is part of why you like him.
Second, I think you're getting respect and infatuation confused with sincere feelings here. You're 16, you still have 2 years of highschool left and ALOT of growing up to do. Don't take that as an insult, it's a fact, all 16 year olds have alot of growing up left to do. Point being, when you're 22 you're going to be a COMPLETELY different person than your are now.
Third, I think you freaked him out. If I was a youth leader and a 16 year old girl in my group told me the same thing you told me, I'd be a little uneasy about that. Personally, I would never spend time with you alone again.
I hope everything works out. Keep us updated on what happens tomorrow at church.
Answer:
Originally Posted by ChrisHarbison The picture thing...well, I'm going to say that it's pretty much completely irrelevant.
As far as your relationship with this guy and everything, I'll give it my best shot. I'm 25, so I'm in the same age group as your friend.
First, he's your youth leader. It's a psychological fact that an attractive quality in a man is his leadership abilities and position. I think this is part of why you like him.
Second, I think you're getting respect and infatuation confused with sincere feelings here. You're 16, you still have 2 years of highschool left and ALOT of growing up to do. Don't take that as an insult, it's a fact, all 16 year olds have alot of growing up left to do. Point being, when you're 22 you're going to be a COMPLETELY different person than your are now.
Third, I think you freaked him out. If I was a youth leader and a 16 year old girl in my group told me the same thing you told me, I'd be a little uneasy about that. Personally, I would never spend time with you alone again.
I hope everything works out. Keep us updated on what happens tomorrow at church.
I just called him to ask him a question about a song we're doing tomorrow, and after he answered the question he started talking about what I said last night. You're right.. he was a little uneasy about what I had said,.. but he also said that he sort of felt the same way. He feels like I'm family. Like he has to protect me,.. like I'm his little sister. (He's the youngest in his family, and he thinks that's part of the reason) But he said that if I feel uncomfortable about it, that he understands.. he said he doesn't want to give up on the friendship because of what was said last night, but rather to learn from it and try and do better. Then I asked him why he didn't say anything the rest of the night, and he goes, "Honestly, I couldn't think of any way to change your mind about not hanging out anymore, and that's all I wanted to do."
I told him that I want to keep a little more distance between us emotionally, just because I don't feel like it's healthy for me to think about him so much.
That's what's cool about him though.. he totally understands. Way more than I thought he would. He's almost like... a girl. And I'm not saying that to be mean.. but I can talk to him like I'm talking to a female friend. Like the fact that he is a male doesn't cross my mind.
I'm trying to let go of the picture thing. I guess it just really freaked me out,.. because I honestly don't know how it happened. I've decided that God was just trying to get me to forget about him, and concentrate on Him... even if it means getting a picture dropped on my head.
I'll talk to him again tomorrow.. and I'll be back with an update.
Answer:
Originally Posted by snapshot I told him that I want to keep a little more distance between us emotionally, just because I don't feel like it's healthy for me to think about him so much.
This is a very mature and wise decision. I'm very proud of you. Girls like you restore my hope that young people still think...I wish there were more girls like you.
Originally Posted by snapshot I've decided that God was just trying to get me to forget about him, and concentrate on Him... even if it means getting a picture dropped on my head.
Funny how God does things to remind us that He's actually the more important one. Again, I'm proud of you. You've shown wisdom and maturity. You're in my prayers. Let us know how it goes tomorrow. I'm interested to hear the outcome.
Answer:
Originally Posted by ChrisHarbison This is a very mature and wise decision. I'm very proud of you. Girls like you restore my hope that young people still think...I wish there were more girls like you.
Funny how God does things to remind us that He's actually the more important one. Again, I'm proud of you. You've shown wisdom and maturity. You're in my prayers. Let us know how it goes tomorrow. I'm interested to hear the outcome.
Well.. today wasn't anything out of the ordinary,.. at least I don't think that it was. It was just the two of us leading worship today, so I couldn't exactly avoid the one-one-oneness.. but, we showed up for practice at 7:30, and as soon as we made eye contact, we both smiled and laughed. It was nice.. I mean, I feel really relieved. I think he did too. So we just kind of kept it cool,.. like, there was no awkwardness at all.
So.. thanks so much for your prayer and support.. you guys are great.
Snapshot
Answer:
Excellent! I'm glad to hear that everything went well.
Answer:
Well, if its meant to be then it will happen, but i think it should happen later. I know 16-22 isnt that much age differnce, but at this stage in life it really is. You are still becoming who you are and will be and different experiances will vary that somewhat. Keep your friendship but maybe regulate how much time is spent together, esspecially alone.