Question:
Hello,
I don't know where to start. My mother tells me I was saved when I was very young, too young for me to remember. I have never been what anyone could describe as a good kid, I broke into my first house when I was 14, and was stealing long before that. When I was 16 I got involved in a gang and was a part of many bad things. By the time I was 17 I had been shot at, and had a loaded gun held to my head in two different instances. My best friend at the time was 14 years old, had 4 felonies, and had been stabbed when he was 12..
I partook in many different drugs (In excess), which has left my short term memory almost nonexistant, and my long term memory impaired. Anyway, when I hit 18 I sobered up and moved away, but I still dealt with the darker side of life, I have struggled with depression since I was too young to know what 'suicide' was, and to this day it cripples me at times. I have developed, over the years, a strong misanthropy (Hatred of mankind) as well as becoming a misogynist (Hater of women), and bread an underlying anger-I know how cliched this is-at how unfair life is, etc.
I won't mention the 'sexual exploration' I had a go at, that haunts and taunts me to this day. When I turned 20, I was burned out, at my end, I had nothing left to try, and nowhere to go. My mother had told me she wanted me to come to her church to talk to the pastor, and at this point I couldn't have cared less. I was willing to try anything, there was nothing left for me in life.
So I went down there and sat through the service (I have never liked Church, if I am not ready to pass out of boredom, I am being made to feel like a piece of ****, which, admittedly, I am) and then met the pastor and some elders in a room. I basically told them some of the things I have done, and beings as bad off as I was, I just gave myself to God. It was odd, I had an involuntary 'twitching' of my muscles as they prayed and laid hands on me (Annointed with oil, etc).
I was given the Holy Spirit, a euphoria, and the peace that surpasses all understanding. I was renewed. This lasted for about 3 years, I made my best effort to abstain from immoral thought, immoral acts, etc. I even swore off the internet as it had become a sort of addiction for me, for a year. It lasted 7 months before I was doing the same old crap I used to do. It has been a steady decline since then, I have even gotten to the point where I am scared for my salvation, although I have not touched any drugs or committed any 'immoral acts' other than re-adopting the mouth of a sailor, and getting drunk daily.
I have made a re-acquaintance with an old friend, who is one of the most decent and honest people I have ever met (I can count on one hand the number of decent people I have met), but is addicted to pot and was addicted to heroin and meth. He can't seem to keep both feet out of the crime aspect of society, although this is something I have been able to do.
Obviously, I like to play the guitar, and have been since I was 18, and my friend also enjoys the instrument. We have been talking about starting a band for so long, and it looks like we may just do it. My friend can 'freestyle', but in a heavy metal style, the lyrics are far from good or Christian, but, at the same time, I just can't let my angst out with pure and nice lyrics, and at this point I really need to let some angst out.
There is a lot going on right now, I am losing the love of my life, my dream, and truth be told, even though I have a job, I might become homeless soon, although it's not likely. It seems to me that I am going down that path again, although I can honestly say drugs nor a criminal lifestyle no longer interest me in the least.
(For the drugs, I had got done smoking wayyyyy too much meth, when me and some friends were driving around shoplifting, when my chest sort of 'thumped', it felt like someone took a 20lb sledge hammer to my chest. I told my friends that if I passed out to dump me on the sidewalk [because I knew if I passed out in that car and didn't say anything I would be found dead in that car]. We reached our destination, and I had to walk around a whole lot before I could catch my breath, and when I felt the anxiety finally go away, all I wanted was more meth. I knew I had to go sober at that point. As far as the criminal aspect goes, I have spent time in jail and I do not care for it at all. The food really sucks.)
I know my best bet is to turn back to God like I did before, but I am always overcome with the probability that I will just end up doing what I am doing now, backsliding-I have backslidden twice, and every time it helps me understand that there is less and less hope for me. At the same time it also makes me a little wise, I guess, in the fact that I realize there can be no happiness on this earth without God.
I don't know. I find myself putting things in His hands, but I still feel distant, I have never, ever, really had a 'personal relationship' with God. I have tried, but it never works out. I am thankful for what little I have, and for my dog, who has kept me alive in some of my more darker times, as stupid as that may sound to some of you. Truth be told I can't wait to leave this planet, I have been a smoker since 14, (I was at 3 packs a day, a carton a week when I was 19) and I can't light up a cigarette without feeling some sort of pain in my chest or lung(s) anymore, and deep down, that's a comfort for me. Thoughts on my situation are appreciated.
Dave
Answer:
Sorry to hear about it. Sounds like a tough situation you are in. The best advice I could offer is to talk with a respectable Christian. To the point that you feel better.
I'd even move to a house of christians. God-fearing people, who will be responsible for you. Who will watch over you, give you the freedom of a 7 year old.
I would pray. Read your bible alot. Become busy with somthing (school at a christian University, Somthing you like to do with your sober, crime free, Christian friends. Really Commit your life to christ, Go to chruch to be in fellowship with other christians. Get a full time job, donate most of the money to charity (so you dont wind up getting addicted to drugs and alchohol) and, just try your hardest... with God's help
(play the guitar more )
Answer:
Hi, Dave.
I don't think you're going to find the help you want or the help you need here on these boards. You really need to get hooked up with a group of strong and caring fellow believers (in person; not just online) who will be able and willing to give you the support and encouragement you need... and that does not entail slaying you in the Spirit or anointing you with oil or making you feel convulsions. You really need a church (yes, a church... if you want to find God, go to where His people are gathered, because that is where He promised to be) that will preach the word of God at you, display the love of God to you, and teach the grace of God to you. If you find yourself in a church where all they want to do is either "heal" you or condemn you, you're not in the right place. What you need is long-term commitment, not short-term fixes or condemnations. Maybe a trusted Christian friend could introduce you to a small group Bible study and that could be a springboard for getting involved in a sound, loving, Biblical church.
That all said, the most important thing to know is that God has not given up on you. He will never leave you or forsake you no matter how many times you leave Him or forsake Him. His promise of salvation to you still stands and He will be faithful to complete the work that He began in you.
In His love,
Nate
Answer:
Hey Dave:
I feel your pain, dude. Of course the last posts were(are)good advice, and I couldn't say much other than what was posted-but just to tell you-our prayers and hearts are with you.







(Note: I've been with CGR since 2001 and haven't noticed this sub-forum until this week-I should have sooner, since God has given me a Pastor's heart and I really love to help people-so I'll be on this more than over at Bass. God bless and Jesus name be exalted now and forevermore!)
Answer:
Originally Posted by WolfmanGK Hello,
I don't know where to start. My mother tells me I was saved when I was very young, too young for me to remember. I have never been what anyone could describe as a good kid, I broke into my first house when I was 14, and was stealing long before that. When I was 16 I got involved in a gang and was a part of many bad things. By the time I was 17 I had been shot at, and had a loaded gun held to my head in two different instances. My best friend at the time was 14 years old, had 4 felonies, and had been stabbed when he was 12..
I partook in many different drugs (In excess), which has left my short term memory almost nonexistant, and my long term memory impaired. Anyway, when I hit 18 I sobered up and moved away, but I still dealt with the darker side of life, I have struggled with depression since I was too young to know what 'suicide' was, and to this day it cripples me at times. I have developed, over the years, a strong misanthropy (Hatred of mankind) as well as becoming a misogynist (Hater of women), and bread an underlying anger-I know how cliched this is-at how unfair life is, etc.
I won't mention the 'sexual exploration' I had a go at, that haunts and taunts me to this day. When I turned 20, I was burned out, at my end, I had nothing left to try, and nowhere to go. My mother had told me she wanted me to come to her church to talk to the pastor, and at this point I couldn't have cared less. I was willing to try anything, there was nothing left for me in life.
So I went down there and sat through the service (I have never liked Church, if I am not ready to pass out of boredom, I am being made to feel like a piece of ****, which, admittedly, I am) and then met the pastor and some elders in a room. I basically told them some of the things I have done, and beings as bad off as I was, I just gave myself to God. It was odd, I had an involuntary 'twitching' of my muscles as they prayed and laid hands on me (Annointed with oil, etc).
I was given the Holy Spirit, a euphoria, and the peace that surpasses all understanding. I was renewed. This lasted for about 3 years, I made my best effort to abstain from immoral thought, immoral acts, etc. I even swore off the internet as it had become a sort of addiction for me, for a year. It lasted 7 months before I was doing the same old crap I used to do. It has been a steady decline since then, I have even gotten to the point where I am scared for my salvation, although I have not touched any drugs or committed any 'immoral acts' other than re-adopting the mouth of a sailor, and getting drunk daily.
I have made a re-acquaintance with an old friend, who is one of the most decent and honest people I have ever met (I can count on one hand the number of decent people I have met), but is addicted to pot and was addicted to heroin and meth. He can't seem to keep both feet out of the crime aspect of society, although this is something I have been able to do.
Obviously, I like to play the guitar, and have been since I was 18, and my friend also enjoys the instrument. We have been talking about starting a band for so long, and it looks like we may just do it. My friend can 'freestyle', but in a heavy metal style, the lyrics are far from good or Christian, but, at the same time, I just can't let my angst out with pure and nice lyrics, and at this point I really need to let some angst out.
There is a lot going on right now, I am losing the love of my life, my dream, and truth be told, even though I have a job, I might become homeless soon, although it's not likely. It seems to me that I am going down that path again, although I can honestly say drugs nor a criminal lifestyle no longer interest me in the least.
(For the drugs, I had got done smoking wayyyyy too much meth, when me and some friends were driving around shoplifting, when my chest sort of 'thumped', it felt like someone took a 20lb sledge hammer to my chest. I told my friends that if I passed out to dump me on the sidewalk [because I knew if I passed out in that car and didn't say anything I would be found dead in that car]. We reached our destination, and I had to walk around a whole lot before I could catch my breath, and when I felt the anxiety finally go away, all I wanted was more meth. I knew I had to go sober at that point. As far as the criminal aspect goes, I have spent time in jail and I do not care for it at all. The food really sucks.)
I know my best bet is to turn back to God like I did before, but I am always overcome with the probability that I will just end up doing what I am doing now, backsliding-I have backslidden twice, and every time it helps me understand that there is less and less hope for me. At the same time it also makes me a little wise, I guess, in the fact that I realize there can be no happiness on this earth without God.
I don't know. I find myself putting things in His hands, but I still feel distant, I have never, ever, really had a 'personal relationship' with God. I have tried, but it never works out. I am thankful for what little I have, and for my dog, who has kept me alive in some of my more darker times, as stupid as that may sound to some of you. Truth be told I can't wait to leave this planet, I have been a smoker since 14, (I was at 3 packs a day, a carton a week when I was 19) and I can't light up a cigarette without feeling some sort of pain in my chest or lung(s) anymore, and deep down, that's a comfort for me. Thoughts on my situation are appreciated.
Dave
Some of the things that you shared, I can relate to but not all. For instance I was a homosexual, but not a gang member, a thief, or drug addict. (I was never fond of drugs anyway. Just didnt like that scene at all.) I got heavy into alcahol though. What personally helped me from backsliding was making a comple 360* turn after I found Jesus. This meant to give it up to God the do a complete change in me. This meant walking away from old friends that only influenced me into doing bad things like premaritial (sp) sex, alcahol, and a lot of "living life on the edge" type of things that put God to the test. As much as I HATE saying this but I had ditch my old buddies in order to embrace Christ and join in the relationship that I have w/ Him right now. This meant for me to start hanging out w/ fellow Christians, getting into an intensive Bible study group and even practice reaching out to others who dont know Christ. Backsliding will happen, I know that I've slipped more than once and just because I am a Christian dont mean that I'm never going to sin, that I'm never going to backslide and all. In fact it means that when I fall I get back up, grab on to that thing called "GRACE" and I continue to follow and serve my Lord. Once again these are just some things that helped me stay away from backsliding. Once you become a believer in Christ, you have to know where to set your boudries. Im currently not dating any guys because of the kind of dirty past I had w/ guys back in high school. Im still obstaining from getting into physical relationships because I don't know where my boundries are, I don't know "how far is TOO far" when It comes to being a new believer. But that is something that Im letting God deal w/ and shape that side of me. It takes time to get these boundries in place especially if you were a former drug addict. Its gonna take A LOT of time, just dont lose faith. Remember that whenever you do mess up or backslide, just get back on your feet and continue to follow the Lord. You know you are a sinner that is saved by grace, and just like all of us here, none of us deserve grace. That is something that you get that you dont deserve, but God gave this grace to us through His only son because He loves us and want to see us spend eternity w/ Him. As far as your chest pains, buddy I can REALLY relate to that and I'll be praying for you cuz I have to live the fact that I'm immune to chronic illnesses. I've had Viral Pneumonia in the past and a really bad case of it too, (it nearly killed me) and that did a gread deal of damage to my lungs. Now I have to live w/ the fact that I'm prone to something like Pneumonia or Bronkitis, Influenza virus, allergies and all that for probably the rest of my life. I used to smoke too, not as much as you did in a day but a pretty good half a pack every day and I used to get some pretty insanely painful chest pains that a lot of time I almost would want to grab onto my chest. I had a much more harder time breathing and I dont even have asthma. Eventually I quit smoking because of that. Lung Cancer is the one thing that I pray not to get diagnosed w/ in the future.
Answer:
Hello Dave.
The best advice I can give you is to find a Christian that is struggling with the same things or is in a similar situation as you and you can hold eachother accountable and agree to withhold nothing from eachother, and to find a strong Christian friend who can mentor you and you can learn from them. The latter could be a pastor or just a good friend who can help you. I will be praying for you.
-Jesse