Question:
Okay so here's the deal. I'm 24 and my wife just divorced me. We had sex before we got married since we were so sure we'd get married (bad idea). We were each other's first and onlys. Basically we got married because we felt obligated to since we had lost our virginity to each other. We both had lived with our parents up to the point where we got married and moved in our house. It was okay for a while, but we had problems with neither one of us doing chores because we just weren't used to doing them at home. I treated her badly and didn't respect her that much because she was a teacher and had the summer off, but never did anything. I would mention that we were both getting fatter and that we needed to diet or excercise or something. Stuff like that was pushing her further and further away from me, understandably. She started hanging out more and more with a friend of mine (best friends for a while, played in the band with me, and used to date my wife). They would go on nightly walks to which I was not invited because that was her time to destress from the fighting that we always had. Weekends were always spent with our friends over really late and no time for us. We had a big arguement over that where it basically came out that we basically felt obligated to marry each other. She told me (finally) how she felt about the way I treated her and I vowed to fix it. I would go out of town every month for a few days, and my wife and that guy would hang out together. Well one time I was out of town and I had a talk with that guy, about how my wife and I fought a lot because I was trying to fix our relationship and she was never around. he said he understood. Well the next day, I called my wife and she was swimming with that guy at his parent's house. i talked to her for about 15 minutes and she said she would call me later that night before she went to bed. So at 1:30am, she hadn't called yet...I called her. She said that they were watching a movie so she'll just call me the next day. I said, that's okay, I'll stay up, but she insisted that I wait until the next day. So I sent that guy a text message saying "remember that talk we had the night before, well here is exactly what i meant...you some common sense, you were with my wife the entire day and you saw her talk to me for 15 minutes. go home at a reasonable time and at least give her the chance to talk to her husband". My wife had apparently grabbed the phone from him and she saw the message and sent me one back saying "how dare you talk to my best friend like that" and wouldn't call answer my phone until the next night. I told her that she was putting their friendship before our marriage and that it wasn't right...she refused to see that. Well I flew back the next day and went to talk to my pastor. he said that her friendship with that guy was not right and that i had every right to have those feelings about them. My wife had classes until 10pm that night, so when she got home, i was very nice and loving to her, I drew her a bath with bubbles and candles because she had a long day. Well she was nice to me, but then we got in bed and she told me that she wanted the divorce for sure. I cried and begged her not to and I told her that I could fix everything and how I had vowed to do whatever it took for us to fix things. I couldn't talk her out of it. I couldn't sleep so I went to take a muscle-relaxer to put me out. She caught me and was worried that I was going to do something irrational like hurt myself or her (I've never been violent to her in any way) so she said she was going to go to her parents or drive around. She left after hiding my keys and the medicine. Well I didn't know what to do so I walked out of the house towards her parents house. The church was on the way, and that guy lives across the street from the church. I see her car in the parking lot and I go sit in the backseat and beg her to come home. She's on the phone with that guy, surprise. She tells me she'll come home and I just needed to go so I started walking back to the house. I look back and I see him come out of his house and they meet in the middle of the street. I just take off running and sobbing at this point. When I get home I find the keys and i drive back over to his house. They are standing on his porch and I again ask her to come home. She says no and tells the guy to go in the house. She follows him, and I put my hand on the door and squeeze myself in. She tells me she is going to call the cops if I don't leave and I snatch the phone out of her hands and throw it. That guy's roommate calls the police. That guy said to me "dude, you should just go" and at that I point I start screaming at him "f--- you! f--- you! are you happy? you didn't even give us a chance to fix things! is this what you wanted!?!" and i started coming after him. my wife was between us and she blocked me, and I turned around and left.
At this point I am defeated. There's no way of fixing things now, not with the way I yelled at her friend like that.
I go home and I find the muscle relaxers. I take roughly 12 of them and a whole bottle of wine. I knew that one would make me sleep good...one with a glass of wine would make me sleep really good. So whether I slept for a long time, or I got sick, or I didn't wake up at all, i was ready for the consequences...I just wanted the pain to stop. A few minutes later her dad and her came by the house and picked up some of her stuff. i just sat there. when they left, I got on the computer and I had instant messenger up. Her brother was online. I was rambling on to him about how sorry I was and that I ruined our marriage and he asked me what I did. I told him about the episode over at that guys house and he told me that lots of people were talking about how much time they spent together and how inappropriate it was...including him (thanks for saying something to her lol). He asked where she was. I told him that she left to go to her parents because she was afraid I'd do something irrational. He asked me if I hurt her...I said no way. He asked me if I hurt myself...I told him what I did. Minutes later her dad comes by and calls poison control. They said to take me to the emergency room...that dosage could stop my heart. The gave me a huge jug of charcoal to drink. I got it all down, but as I took the last drink I threw it up. They had to force a tube down my nose into my stomach. All I remember was screaming and passing out. The next morning the doctor was there asking me how I felt. then he said that I would either have to admit myself for mental care for 2-3 days or they would get a court order which could make me stay for 2-3 weeks. i tried to change his mind, but I ended up taking the 2-3 days.
The first night, my wife and her parents came to visit me. She was sweet to me, winking at me and holding my hand. I was really happy and thought there might be a chance for reconcilliation. I told my roommate the story and he said he'd pray for us. He had his bible and was reading it constantly. I asked my wife to bring me a bible. The next night she wasn't as sweet, and after her parents left she told me that she didn't want to give me false hope; she wanted the divorce for sure and I couldn't change her mind. I promised her the world and it didn't change her mind. I went back to my room and into the bathroom to take a shower. i was overwhelmed with hopelessness and fell to my knees crying out to God. It was at that moment my eyes were opened. The only one who could fix this was God...I gave it up to him entirely and promised to be obidient and live for Him from this moment on. I figured out that we never ever had a God-centered relationship...we never prayed together, never read the bible together...nothing. No wonder God wasn't going to bless us. It was at this point that I began to read my bible...hard. I knew that if I were obidient and steadfast in my faith, that God would bless me, whether it was bringing my wife back to me or bringing me a Godly woman down the road. Either way, I knew that I would have God as the head of our marriage and I'd love my wife the way Jesus loved the church. I prayed hard too. The next morning I had a renewed spirit, and then my wife called. I was happy that she called until I found out why she did/ She took off work to pack my stuff and she had already been to the lawyer and filed the divorce papers. She was getting the locks changed later that day. I was in shock.
I'll leave out the legal stuff, but it wasn't right for her to keep me out of the house.
So I get out and we talk on the phone about everything...she is strictly business. I tell her my revelation and how all those promises I made to her were nothing without God at the head of our marriage. She didn't care. People at the church were siding up with me, hoping that we could reconcile. after weeks of dragging out the divorce stuff and being difficult while she was trying to take care of business, i realised that she wasn't going to change her mind and I needed to just go along with the divorce to save any kind of friendship between us. All this time, I would drive byt the house and that guys truck was in her driveway, even late at night (like 1am...the house is down the street from my parents, where I stay now...I'm not a stalker!). It hurt so much. Me and that guy were going to go to OU football games together because we had season tickets. My wife said, "you want the dog right? can I have the tickets?" so now she is going to all the games with him and showing up to church the next morning, both of them sporting sunburns.
So here I am...after seeing them together so much, I realise that I'm not going to be with her, I'm not going to change her mind, and she is no longer hearing God.
I know what I want now - I want a Godly girl that wants what the Bible says for a marriage. i want to be the spiritual leader and I want to focus on God for making our marriage wonderful. I know my next realtionship will be wonderful and I will be the best husband ever. But...are there Godly girls that will be able to date me knowing all of this? She doesn't have to be a virgin, but is that too much for me to ask since I have had sex (only with one person, whom i married)? Right now I am in no rush to get into a new relationship, God is working on me right now on so many levels...making me the Christian I should've been from the start.
opinions please!!!
Answer:
Since no one has responded yet, I'll say something. I'm not a girl, but with my experience with girls, many times they care as much about the past as the present. So if you do something wrong and you corrected that, they wouldn't care as much if you did something wrong and still are doing it.
Godly girls understand these things.
Answer:
there may be... some girls... I'm not really in a position to answer this either as I'm already married. I guess my advice would be to give it a good long time before really thinking about another relationship--I'm pretty sure I'd want to.
Answer:
I really don't know what to say to that. I am a girl, so I can answer, that honestly I wouldn't say I would never date or marry someone who is divorced. You've obviously been hurt by your marriage and your wife. I would be wary of, jumping into a situation like that, because of everything that happened, and the underlying circumstances of your wife and her "friend". I'm sure that if you give it time, you will find someone who will love you and marry you for the right reasons, and it won't be out of guilt or obligation. Remmeber that God loves you without any of that. I'll pray for you.
Gwen
Answer:
Hmmm, well I know that 1 Cor 7:11 says that a dicorced wife should definately not re-marry... not sure if that counts for guys. IF it doesn't I dont think you have too much to worry about. You sound like you've got your ideas about marriage pretty much sorted out now - marriage should DEFINATELY all be for the glorification of our amazing God... so fret not, and pray about it
P.S.
Whether you've been married or not really shouldn't matter to a girl as long as you really love eachother.
Answer:
The question here should not be, in any way, whether or not a girl should date a divorced man. This issue will come in time. What I am seeing right here and now is an immediate need to figure out if you should date again at all, if you are ready to date, and if your motives to date are really the correct sort. So. Bearing this in mind, I am going to give you what you asked for- opinions.
[quote]
I know what I want now - I want a Godly girl that wants what the Bible says for a marriage. This sets off bells in my head. You prioritize things in this order in your post: [Godly] Girl, Marriage, God.
This may not be how it is in your head and heart, I realize, but it is how you seem to be expressing yourself. This worries me, because quite frankly, you are nowhere near ready to even think about having another relationship. Regardless of whether or not it is God-centered. Period. Get girls out of your head, man, or you will screw the pooch on this one again.
i want to be the spiritual leader and I want to focus on God for making our marriage wonderful. Focus on God first. Like. Right now. You need God more than you need another, better marriage, so work on being intimate with God for a long while before you bring another woman into the picture.
When I read this thread, here are my thoughts. First I read a sob story that, while genuinely horrible (and I am sorry that things went that way. Truly.), doesn't meet up with your question. You just told this forum how your first marriage died because you were not focused on God. And now you want a relationship before you have time to ground yourself again and genuinely figure out where you stand? No. That is a bad idea.
I'm being incredibly blunt with you. Not because I dislike you, but because you need it, and I am not seeing anyone else saying what needs to be said. And what needs to be said is that it appears that grounding yourself in God is secondary to having another relationship with a woman, and whether or not said relationship is centered on God or not is irrelevant if you are not centered on Him to begin with. So. Bearing this in mind, think about your motives. Why do you seem so all-fired excited to get into another relationship before you take time out to get your head back on straight? Why do you think it should matter if a girl will care that you are divorced? Are you worried that you have traits that will scare them away that contributed to the divorce? The list goes on. Consider the situation. I don't think this is an issue that should need advising, really. So. Reply if you want. But I encourage you to read more in your bible about the disciplining that God gives his children, and of how to draw close to Him and become what He wants you to be. Then and only then will he bless you with the marriage that you seem to desire so very badly.
Answer:
actaully. h.m. murdoch, you may not be quite so howling mad after all... i take back anything i said and back up what you just said 100%.
Answer:
Wow! What a story. Unless she was commiting adultry with this guy, she had no reason to file for divorce with you.

But thats a differant story.

I don't know how long ago this happened, but Murdock is right.

"seek first the kingdom of God and all things will be add to you.

Seek God above all else.
Answer:
Yeah, it's a pretty terrible thing. I'm sorry to hear about that. Biblically, I'm not quite sure what you should do. But from a 17 year old girl: I believe that it depends on the situation whether i would date a man who had been divorced (I mean this in the future tense, there aren't too many divorced 17 year olds). It seems like you're getting things together now, which is really good, but it wasn't quite a biblical divorce (through no fault of your own it seems). But, if he were a Godly man who had challenged and fixed his mistakes, I might date him, but there would be a lot of prayer and bible studying for me first. Good luck with all this, I will pray for you.
Answer:
"And this time, I really mean it!!!!" That's something I used to say when I thought I wa going to change my life. I thought God gave such and such gifts, and that he put the instructions for what to do with life in my heart, so all I had to do was go do my best and that was it. I thought it was all up to me, and I could have what I wanted as long as I didn't sin.
My life wasn't centered on God, I didn't know that I should check in with him and live in his presence 24/7. I didn't know that his will was more important than my wants, and that all my wants would be fulfilled by following his will.
Be centered on God, as the person above said. Renew your attention on God as often as possible. Always be swimming upstream spiritually, so that you will not fall for long if/when you do fall.
That's not very specific, but you need a general attitude overall, all of us do at one time or another.
You are so heartbroken over your ex that you can't see you are stumbling into making another relationship mistake. Take time to heal somewhat.