Question:
OK I'm just going to rant and rave and cry because I really just need to do it; I'm basically shaking and in tears right now as I do this. If you don't want to read it, it's fine by me; I think it's just helping me to get it out here. Key word: rant. No joke. But there is a prayer request at the end of this. Maybe I should post this in advice...well whatever.
Continuing: My father has got all these high expectations of me, always has; he came from an immigrant famliy with no money, and people called him fat and somehow, he learned to have a drive for school and he can't understand procrastinating teenagers, and everything has to be done by his will his way or else you're a effoff, a total arsehole (I'm kinda censoring here) etc etc. He just shouts and screams when I don't do things his way or do them immediately. He's always given me negative criticism, more like negative verbal abuse. I respond by resisting him, I don't know why I do it. I guess you could say I'm adding fuel to the fire right. There are times when I have worked this past year, and it has been SO so hard. I wish I hadn't taken the classes I'd taken. Precalculus GT is driving me up a wall, and so is AP computer Science and chemistry (if you couldn't tell, I am an English/social studies person BY FAR). And unfortunately for me those three classes are the hardest in our school; the teachers say they're the hardest, etc etc. Everyone has been pushing me into those classes, including myself; there's constant peer pressure at my school, unless you get more than a 3.4 you're considered lame. We must discuss our GPAs more than our social lives; at least some of my friends do, and most of my acquaintances (thank God my closest friends aren't like that). So I'm going to this hugely competitive high school and then my darned dad who made it into Columbia (the ivy), was top of his class doesn't understand why I can't do well, even though my scores and rankings on standardized tests are unusually high (at least for verbal). He speaks in an unnaturally loud voice so I can hear EVERYthing he says. So whenever he's psychoanalyzing me in these...well I'll call it cruel, ways to my mom downstairs over dinner, while he's doing checks, even when I'm supposedly in bed with the lights off, in the morning, I can hear every hateful thing he says. And then when he says this stuff to me in person he shouts and screams and spits and curses at me, and he tells my mom it's all her fault I'm this way, she was a B- student in her school, got a lot of C's aand B's (just for the sake of knowledge, or whatever, my parents are both rather old; my mom's 60 and my dad's 55. They might be your grandparents...yeah that's my attempted humor So in my mom's day it was perfectly acceptable to get c's or even b's. heck she tried hard. and he constantly berates her every single day for being stupid, for passing down stupid genes or whatever to me.) And when I come home with less than acceptable report cards, he just says "you're disgusting. get out of my sight. i don't want to see this. get out. why am I even wasting my money on college. why the hell do I want to waste my money on an investment that won't return anything. Hell we should just send you to HCC. Or maybe you shouldn't go to college. Some people aren't meant for that." To me that's like, the most crushing thing you could say (HCC is the community college, by the way). I mean at our school it's a JOKE to go to howard community college. no one goes there unless you're actually a total loser who can't get ANY grades. I mean up till this point I had a 3.4 GPA, weighted it would be 4.11, so that makes me 99 in my class of 403 (which, to him, is lame, pathetic and disgusting). And this is junior year, so my grades have sunk considerably; well, mostly in my science/math classes; the ones I listed above. I feel awful when I get a C or two, which I've never done before, and then he just exacerbates the situation and makes me feel ten times worse. And then he has the gall to tell me that he loves me and he's positively pushing me towards a good goal, and that he's giving me sound advice and heck I should listen to him because DARNED if I know what I'm talking about! Whenver we go to college visits, he immediately discounts my opinion about what I want to do to the person we're talking to( just last week we were talking to some dean of admissions or whatever and he's like "no, she has no clue what she wants to do" and I say excuse me, I'd like to be an English major.). Or if we're with his friends, or just random acquaintances, he will be like "Yeah, guess what (in front of me, by the way), she just got a C last quarter, so dissappointing, horrible, etc etc." I mean I understand that this may be a weird expression of love and most likely is; but it's not helping me any. Tonight he heard that I wouldn't be able to play in some piano competition next week, because my piano teacher had given me a few incredibly difficult pieces outside of my current ability in order to stretch myself and build up some new technique; she said it would be a gamble, and that it would be difficult to get all those pieces learned in time. And then he goes off on this whole rant again, the contents of which could be discerned from everything I've said up above. I am really considering telling him to just go jump off a cliff. Tonight I just stood up for myself (for once) and he gets all upset and starts telling me to go eff off, because I'm not accepting his advice and he's the one that got all the jobs and he's the one who made it into every darn school he applied to, and he's the one who actually amounted to anything.
OK I'm sorry for all this, and I know that was probably totally unexpected from me, seeing as none of you know me very well. Now that I've calmed down a bit and I look back at it and it seems very...angry. I just ask that you pray that my dad will be less--forceful, or whatever, and that things will work out (I mean I'm certain I'll go to college; if he doesn't want to send me to St. Mary's I am SENDING myself there, no matter how much debt I incur), and that I'll be able to last at least through my next couple years with him without running away or something, and that we'll definitely be able to last through the week without me being rash and swearing or cursing or hitting him or something. I am an inch from doing it; he has hurt me for so long, practically abused me my entire life. After talking to my friends I guess I finally realized it, they told me for what it was. Just...I just feel awful Sometimes I almost take his words to heart before I realize that I shouldn't be doing that, that I'll almost hurt myself more. Anyway...I hope y'all have a better night than me.
~Jen
Answer:
My Dad is like that with me. He's lived on his own since he was 17, and he's worked very hard to attain what we have right now, which is basically store brand food items (I hate store brand mountain dew... ), but I wont get into that right now. He thinks I'm an idiot for not going to college, and he thinks I wont get anywhere with my music. He has a hard time accepting that I chose something different for my life, and he keeps pushing me to work hard and that my career choice wont work out and I'll be screwed (which, in turn, makes me want to prove him wrong even more... I'm a rebel). Before my mom gave in and cleaned my room for me recently, they did little but fight because I can't keep my room up to their standards of cleanliness. I just recently got back on talking terms with him myself. Its certainly not a very fun way to spend your time at home .
I'll be praying for you, Jen. I hope things go better.
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Thanks, I appreciate the prayer a lot. My dad and I had a discussion tonight and I don't think he listened to anything I said...oh well. Maybe if I get a 5 on my AP exams he'll shaddup; something to work towards, definitely.
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i also can relate to how you feel.
praying.
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A good friend of mine (whose life is falling apart in front of his eyes) told me that satans PRIMARY goal was to destroy the bond between us and our parents (destroy the family). I believe that is why all of us (me included) have these problems. All we can do or at least TRY to do is send love back to our parents even if they dont seem like they are sending it in the first place. ill be praying for you tonite as well as myself and the rest of you while im at it. God Bless